Mojopost Goes Green

It is important for a garden to enjoy a visually appealing watering can. Personally, I recommend yellow because it reflects all kinds of nutritious light. My watering can will support enough water to straighten out your back every morning, when we make three trips to the balcony to fortify precious plant matter.

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For your viewing pleasure I present my garden. First, here is what was going down in May:


After channeling my agrarian ancestors and consulting Dr. Frankenstein, I made some things happen.


Witness the same plants, two months later:





OMIGAHD! Can you believe it? Me neither! Clockwise from the left are Dad's dwarf gladiolus, impatients and what I believe to be a hydrangea, a mix of lettuce and tomato plants.





I ROOOLE!!!!


Here are the marigolds, pansies, miniature roses and impatients. This is why I get up in the morning, to see what they are doing! BIG FUN during coffee. La la la, I'm growing stuff...with my bare hands...la la laa.




Does it get any better than this? You think to yourself, "Prolly not," and yet we have not even discussed the tomato stand and herb garden. Have you ever read Stephen King's book, The Stand? I have recreated this exciting last fight of humanity, as represented by vegetables and herbs. My tomato stand used to look like this:

Once upon a time, this stand was a sparse lot of tomato plants with a small supply of natural light, and the plants were expected to grow upside down. To compensate for minimal light in the back, I handcrafted foil reflectors. They worked great until the plants took off like rockets and grew too close to the foil and started frying. I had to install a white light reflector (a/k/a "matte board"). Let's take a peek:



See how that works? I wonder how I found out about white light... Oh yes, I remember! It was on Goog, after I typed in "reflectors for plants" and came upon a golden cache of growing information supplied by pot farmers. Those people have a point, because I've already eaten the tomatoes growing on reflected light, while the tomato plants in the sun have yet to ripen real fruit. Yay for pot farmers! They knew that white relfects a full spectrum of joy!


Here is a photo to cherish, of the entire tomato stand and delicious herbs:

Look at that lusciousness! There are two tomato plants in conventional pots in the foreground, which are growing like cray-zay, but this stand is something I am proud of. It came with cheap plastic legs that bowed, and so I had to hammer in shower rods for support, to keep this thing from falling to it's death four stories below. More than one hundred pounds from that height means Mojopost would have an extreme insurance liability. Boo! We hate liabilities! But we love growing our 'maters.


If you look closely, you will witness the wonder of green tomatoes on the vine. I love the anticipation. No less than one dozen 'maters are promising delicious salads in a few weeks, to go with my lettuce. As for that herb garden I mentioned, feast your eyes on the wonder of aromatic beauty...





What you cannot see, because of the intense foliage, is that nine cilantro plants are maturing between the lavender and basil. There is salsa in my future! I love this.

Mojopoll: Life's A Beach

The results from the last Mojopoll (What is your favorite time of day?) indicate chronic insomnia. Me too! At night I can turn off my filters and contaminate the Interwebs in peace. However, I also enjoy mornings because I don’t need much sleep. Like you, I am uncommunicative until I have coffee and the resulting bowel movement, but after that we can be friends again.

The new poll (on the right) was inspired by a moron practicing Kung Phooey at the Indiana Dunes on Sunday. I’m going to call him Chi Chi the Cheetah, which may or may not mean he is directly related to this hot mess on Wikipedia.

Black belt? Are you shitting me?

Chi Chi was working on his martial arts moves at the beach with props that included his Okinawan kobud weapons (nunchucks, as they say in junior high school), some knives and daggers. If he was any good I might have tipped him a fiver, but Chi Chi was all thumbs. He was smacking himself in the head, dropping stuff and tripping. The lifeguards were not concerned but – gee – I was. I’m weird like that, when clumsy poopheads are running full-tilt-boogie with sharp objects in their hands, while little babies are trying to build sandcastles.

Obviously, I had to take a picture. Chi Chi hissed at me, but the other guy on Wikipedia says he likes audiences. On a related vanity website, you can view videos.

After the photo op, I asked a park cop if nunchucks and daggers were allowed on the beach. “Absolutely not!” she said. I pointed to Chi Chi and, eventually, a big fat park cop came by in a go-cart to shoo him away.

According to Wiki some people feel it is important to be a “...freedom fighter who fights for the freedom of expression when and where the audience exists.” If he keeps throwing freedom around like that someone is going to lose an eye!



I don’t know what is wrong with me. I never woke up one day and thought about working on my Black Mamba death squad moves on the shores of Lake Michigan. Usually I just bring snacks and tanning lotion.

A Happy Day In Americaland

Mojopost is taking a long weekend to partake of US Independence Day festivities. In my country, July 4th begins on the 3rd and ends on the 6th, so that all residents in the US will have an opportunity to celebrate our freedom from those limey Brits with poor dental hygiene. Whew - bullet dodged!

This Independence Day has value-added significance in that US citizens will, for the first time ever, lustfully worship before a golden statue of our favorite unicorn, Pres. Barack Obama. There will be Kool-Aid, hopium and Hawaiian birth certificate dispensers on every corner! Rev. Wright, say AMEN before I pop!

I will be celebrating Independence Day weekend at Taste of Chicago, checking out the 85th Army Band, and enjoying poop-your-pants-loud fireworks over Lake Michigan. After a little sleep, I’m going to the Indiana Dunes because it is one of the better places to be if one does not have an ocean handy while in the Midwest. If I see any Michael Jackson mourners in Gary, I’ll tell them you said “hi”.

Let’s get this BBQ jacked up, kids. Hit me back with some of your favorite summertime songs.

George Washington

Moby Prick

Ug. I don’t even want to bring this up in a family-oriented blog but I must. I need to vent about my neighborhood non-bathing, muttering, crazy/scary guy who was playing with his bits and pieces at the bus stop the other day. We will call him Moby Prick.

There I was, traveling in my car with goodwill ambassadors from another country. At the stoplight on the corner, Moby Prick was sitting on a bench inside of a bus shelter staring painfully, with animal longing, at a young lady seated to his left. She may have been 16 years old – maybe less. This could have been like any other day except for the fact that Moby was manipulating his region, which was fully extended inside of his filthy sweatpants. It was rather obvious that he was setting up things for display, to catch the attention of the young lady.

I don’t know how she kept her eyes fixed on the CVS sign across the street because the thing in Moby’s hand was epic. Like a monster! And what did I do? I split when the light changed.

I’ve gone over a few heroic, righteous should-have scenarios in my head because I lost an opportunity when it presented itself. I’m mad that I didn’t do anything constructive the other day to help the girl at the bus stop. Moby Prick escaped and I am Ishmael.

What would you have done differently? I’m sorry, but I just don’t see me calling 911 to report a homeless erection. If I see this guy again, and that is likely because he lives at that bus stop, is there something I can do when he Queequeg’s his harpoon?

Sorry I'm Late

I've been tardy. I spent the weekend entertaining goodwill ambassadors from Venezuela, and they gave me chocolate! These people are, perhaps, my most favorite goodwill ambassadors in the history of ever. Not only did they arrive with candy, but there was coffee, too! Wheeee, I'm all kinds of buzzed!

Therefore, this blog will be off-line until Thursday morning. Imma crash hard when the sugar wears off.

See you!