Speech Imp-p-p-p-pediment

This is an example of my dreams on Chantix, a medication I'm taking to help me quit smoking. Side effects of Chantix include unusual dreams. My dreams are more focused than the video shown, and as vivid and disturbing as advertised.

Last night's sleep had me living at cellular level, and I was receiving take-out sandwiches consisting of live kittens in mayo.

The night before? It was an all-night argument with family members. Each time I was on the cusp of delivering the best fix-your-ass statement in the history of ever, I woke up. No, worse than that. I woke up to go poop several times, plus my comeuppance denied.

I have all kinds of free space available in my lungs these days. What kind of trick is that? Anyone can breathe in and out. Back in the day I could fill my lungs with two packs of cigarettes and wrap my mouth around an exhaust pipe just to show off. Now what?

I've been adding up the do not's and no more's in my life. No smoking, don't stay up so late, don't drink too many martinis on Fridays... On my horizon is a disturbing sense of normalcy and health. What do I have left? HINT: It's the first tool I ever put in my box.

I'm not right in the head, that's what. I will cling to this one thing for the rest of my life. If you want my crazy, you're going to have to pull it out of my cold, dead head.

God bless us, and especially me!

Say It Ain't So

From The Swamp:

Get this: Michael Moore, the filmmaker, had this to say about the onslaught of Hurricane Gustav on the eve of the Republican National Convention.

"I was just thinking, this Gustav is proof that there is a God in Heaven.'' Moore said with a chuckle in a televised interview.

"That it would actually be on its way to New Orleans for Day one of the Republican convention up in the twin cities at the top of the Mississippi River,'' Moore said, in an interview with MSMBC's Keith Olbermann, on Countdown.