Obama’s Citizenship Challenged (By A Fleet Of Human Enemas)

The Supreme Court of the United States (SCOTUS) may decide as early as Monday if they will hear arguments challenging the citizenship of President-elect Barack Obama. A vocal group of conspiracy theorists who can best be described as “borderline personalities” and “sore losers” have spent months trying to ship Obama back to Africa, where they think he came from. So far, no luck.

Undaunted by facts or clear-headedness, the nutters have asked the SCOTUS to get involved. Common sense has been tossed into a blender because raging enema-people like the sound of grinding things.

By law, only natural born US citizens are permitted to become president. Barack Obama was born in Hawaii and has posted a file of his birth certificate on-line, but the crazy people don't believe a word of it. They think Obama is from Kenya or Indonesia, or Kendonesia. Something like that. Let’s make quick work of their claims in IM format, shall we?

HUMAN ENEMA: hawaiian officials will not confirm that obama was born in their state!!!!!!!!! :-P
THE TRUTH: Wrong. Hawaii’s health director and head of vital statistics reviewed Obama's birth certificate in the department's vault (where it is protected from your dirty hands) and vouched for its authenticated certifiedableness. No citizen has his or her original birth certificate. We all get copies. Period. Please stop calling those poor government clerks in Hawaii. You’re crowding their landlines.

HUMAN ENEMA: hey! obammy's paternal grandmother is on TAPE saying she attended his birth in KENYA. i am twisting my moustache while rotflmao at you… BWAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
THE TRUTH: A group of pinheads called We The People posted a transcript of a long-distance phone conversation that never happened, and said it was between a questioner in the US and Sarah Hussein Obama (Barack’s granny). The group says their dog ate the original taped recording, which is why they can’t cough it up for inspection. Human Enema, you are noise to me.

HUMAN ENEMA: my peeps on world of warcraft said theres a US LAW in effect as of 1961 (the year NOBAMA was born) that denied citizenship to babies from kenya, if the father was kenyan and the mother was not 19 yrs old. HA HA. goodbye unicorn-riding messiah!
THE TRUTH: Not applicable, no matter the nationalities of either parent. And again - Obama was born in Hawaii. US law provides citizenship to babies born in the US. Hawaii has vouched for Obama’s birth certificate until they were blue in the face, and please PLEASE stop bothering them.

HUMAN ENEMA: his mother gave up whatever KENYAN or US citizenship she and BABY BAMA had when she left her african baby daddy and married some INDONESIAN guy… obama is KENYAN and INDONESIAN!!!!!!!… neither of those places is America!!!!!!!!! screw u you OBAMANATION! wheeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
THE TRUTH: There is a long list of things people have to do before they can ditch their US citizenship. For example, one must be 18 years old. A stepfather’s citizenship cannot change anything, ever, and Obama never relinquished his citizenship. What about this is so hard to understand?

Human enemas are not looking for the truth. They are looking for evidence of an impossibility. It’s a quest without end - a reason for some people to wake up every morning.

The circle-jerk nature of these arguments will never go away. This non-conspiracy is the New Grassy Knoll. It’s an unmarked helicopter. It’s Bigfoot and liver-stealing Las Vegas whores getting alien implants during lunch-hour. If our SCOTUS even dignifies this buffoonery for five whole minutes, Imma fight somebody.

The document in question:

Obama To Meet Dubya Today - "WTF Were You Thinking?"

President Elect Obama will meet with Dubya on Monday for a tour of the White House. This is a time-honored tradition in the US, but this is not the first time our new leader has met the worst president in the history of ever. Obama met Bush in 2006, and it didn’t exactly go very well. Below are excepts from a recent Fox News article by Bill Sammon:

“Four years ago, Obama and other newly elected members of the Senate were invited to the White House for a breakfast meeting with Bush, who pulled the young Chicagoan aside.

"Obama!" Bush exclaimed, according to Obama's account of the meeting in his second memoir, "The Audacity of Hope." "Come here and meet Laura. Laura, you remember Obama. We saw him on TV during election night. Beautiful family. And that wife of yours -- that's one impressive lady."

The two men shook hands and then, according to Obama, Bush turned to an aide, "who squirted a big dollop of hand sanitizer in the president's hand."

Bush then offered some to Obama, who recalled: "Not wanting to seem unhygienic, I took a squirt."

The president then led Obama off to one side of the room, where Bush said: "I hope you don't mind me giving you a piece of advice."

"Not at all, Mr. President," Obama told the commander-in-chief.

"You've got a bright future," Bush said presciently. "Very bright. But I've been in this town awhile and, let me tell you, it can be tough. When you get a lot of attention like you've been getting, people start gunnin' for ya. And it won't necessarily just be coming from my side, you understand. From yours, too. Everybody'll be waiting for you to slip, know what I mean? So watch yourself."

(snip)

Obama laughed and even "put my arm around his shoulder as we talked," he recalled, although he added the gesture "might have made many of my friends, not to mention the Secret Service agents in the room, more than a little uneasy."

Despite this display of bonhomie, Obama said the president's demeanor turned downright frightening when he laid out his agenda to the freshly minted lawmakers.

"Suddenly it felt as if somebody in a back room had flipped a switch," Obama wrote. "The president's eyes became fixed; his voice took on the agitated, rapid tone of someone neither accustomed to nor welcoming interruption; his easy affability was replaced by an almost messianic certainty. As I watched my mostly Republican Senate colleagues hang on his every word, I was reminded of the dangerous isolation that power can bring, and appreciated the Founders' wisdom in designating a system to keep power in check."

When I quoted from this passage to Bush during an Oval Office interview, the president seemed irritated to learn he had been taken to task by the senator he once counseled.

I thought I was actually showing some kindness," Bush said indignantly. "And out of that he came with this belief?"

The president added with a bit of a scowl: "He doesn't know me very well."

Hand sanitizer? I never pegged Dubya as a clean freak. Is this some kind of Howard Hughes tick? Does Dubya collect jars of his pee, too?