Obama Presents Package To Republicans

President Obama spent Tuesday trying to convince House Republicans to support his enormous economic stimulus package. The president has been very eager to gain Republican cooperation, while most Democrats are wondering why he even bothers. It’s not like we actually need those people. What we have here is a failure to understand the Freudian symbolism involved. Sometimes a cigar is not just a cigar.

Personally, I wouldn’t leave my purse unattended around those House Republicans. They advocate the Robin Hood In Reverse doctrine, in that giving to the rich and taking from the poor is preferred. What does Obama see in them that is not repulsive? Shouldn’t he be shaming Republicans into submission or something?

I was thinking this over while I was researching another project and stumbled across an article about Sigmund Freud, the anal theorist and phallically obsessed founder of modern psychology. Poop was important to Freud, but penises ran the show. That is when I realized Pres. Obama was exercising his (conscious or unconscious) desire to make his enemies behold his presidential penis.

Apparently, Obama’s penis is so massive that it requires more than Democratic hands to hold it aloft. He leaves his detractors with the choice to support his manhood or be deprived of it. Ah-ha! Now we are getting somewhere. Penis Politics! For some reason, I am reminded of medieval armor and those intimidating codpieces.











It might look like Obama is asking for Republicans to love his money. He really wants them to admire his package. It helps that white male Republicans are not lesbians.

Oh, don’t worry. Obama will get his package delivered.

I’m having so much fun with this new administration that I can’t stand myself.

President Obama Hits the Reset Button

President Barack Obama peed on the smoldering ruins of George Bush's presidency yesterday. Specifically, the new president arrested last-minute regulations set in motion by the Bush administration. The US House and Senate will aid his endeavor by preparing legislation that makes it easier for Pres. Obama to knock that crap off right now.

From ProPublica:

Of the 65 rules we listed on our Midnight Regulations chart [1], 23 have gone into effect; about a third of those have gone live, so to speak, since Sunday.

Obama’s gay watersports trick will easily squelch the regulations not yet in effect. The hard part is finding a way to drown the bad ideas once they have become a reality.

Rahm Emanuel, Obama’s Chief of Staff, is all over this like Daniel Plainview with a bowling pin for Eli Sunday.

In addition to undoing some damage, Pres. Obama spent his first full day in office pitching diplomacy to the Middle East. Then he had a press conference to tell us he would never slip his manhood into our special place without us knowing it (unlike some people). Obama finished the day re-doing his oath of office with Chief Justice John Roberts, to shut-up the conspiracy theorists and social outcasts who fixate on inconsequential absurdities.

Inauguration Day And Light Bulb Moments

Chief Justice John Roberts couldn’t remember 35 words. What did you expect? Bush appointed him. Dur!






This made up for that.

Later, the Obama family attended a 12 hour parade and danced at 1,000 inaugural balls. My president and First Lady can dance and they looked, well - HOT. How hot? I would have pay-per-viewed it. This kind of mutual attraction has never happened in a presidential marriage before.

When I was a kid, I remember my parents and older brothers and sisters talking about John F. Kennedy and his wife, Jacqueline. Mrs. Kennedy was clearly a big deal, but I never understood the way people fussed over first ladies because Jackie Kennedy was before my time.

My frames of reference were Betty of The Ford Clinic, boring Rosalynn, Nancy just saying NO, Barbara the bitch, Hillary the Health Care Lady done wrong and creepy, overly Botoxed Laura. Yesterday I had a light bulb moment. The First Lady whoopty-doo made sense when Michelle Obama made it official. I loved Hillary, but Michelle is different because I’m all ready fantasizing about being invited to lunch with with her and Oprah. Together we can change America (and be fabulous).

I called my father. “Dad, wasn’t the Inauguration amazing?” He’s a good old (old old old) boy from North Carolina, who loves his Jesus and worked for GM. He can’t say much because he’s sick but he told me, “I’m so glad. I like his wife. Those kids are… beautiful.” He choked up a bit. No lie. As he was saying this, I was watching TV and looking at the faces in the crowd. They were choked up, too. White faces, brown faces, painted faces – people of all color and creed. You are doing it right, people.

For most of my life Martin Luther King, Jr. was a dreamer from the vault and JFK was a Zapruder film. I have waited 41 years to understand how a leader could be revered and cherished in real time. I never expected to see what a good man looks like in the White House, but now I know. Light bulbs moments all day, is what I am saying.

If anyone asks me what January 20, 2009 was like, I would have to say that it felt like jumping out of an airplane and landing in my own bed, unscathed. “Did that just happen?” Yes!

President Obama and First Lady Michelle Dancing

Obama’s Agenda Revealed: First 100 Days

While we are waiting for President Elect Obama to officially take over the free world with Hope-ism and Changeness, now might be a good time to reflect on our coming agenda items. Let’s review:

1) Provide all citizens with overalls, berets and a little red book by January 20th, noon sharp. Encourage beard growth. Discourage deodorant.

2) Convert the home entertainment aisle at all Wal-Mart’s into mosques. Holla, Allah!

3) Replace the name Jesus in the Bible with “GOBAMA ‘08”.

4) Promote gay marriage licenses on McDonald’s Dollar Menu.

5) Make abortion a requirement for a high-school diploma.

6) Stage a coup on Rush Limbaugh’s bank account and lather his wealth on food-stamping lay-abouts in need of methamphetamines and crack cocaine.

7) Ship Lou Dobbs off to work in a Honduran sweatshop. Deny him pants.

8) Turn off the electric fence at Gitmo, turn the prisoners loose and begin building a Six Flags amusement park in it’s place.

9) Replace our entire stock of bullets with small dildos. “Go fuck yourself, radical extremists! Boo, you suck!”

10) Bring the troops home, encourage them to take up pot smoking and offer them 40 acres and a mule.

Yes, I think that covers the major points. If I’ve forgotten anything, let me know.

From Biden 3:16:
“For God so loved the world – and friends, let me tell you something. He so loved this world. He even loved Scranton, PA, which is a hell hole! But let me get back to God. God gave his one and only GOBAMA ’08, so that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal Obamaness. Amen.”