The Daily Beast Cheat Sheet Condensed - Vol. 2

At last, the Daily Beast Cheat Sheet condensed, for your busy schedule. It’s quicker, that’s why.

Al Qaeda Warns Obama
Ayman al-Zawahiri, the grand poobah of Al Qaeda, sent a mix-tape to Al Jazeera and guess what? He made a gangsta rap about President Elect Obama. A sample: “Bitches and ho’s/And House Negroes/F*ck Obama and the rest/Got my suicide vest!” See, Republicans? I told you he wasn’t rolling with A-Q. Whatever man, whatever.

Dow Plummets Below 8,000
We don’t need an economic wizard anymore. We need a diving bell!

Who Started The California Wildfires?
Ten 18 to 22-year-olds started the damn fire. They thought they put out their bong, but NO. Yes, they are going to jail. Do not pass Go, do not collect $200. Stupid, stupid, stupid.

Down With The Auto Bailout!
Word to the coddled rich and oblivious CEO’s: Never, ever land in DC on a private jet when you’re trying to shake down some moist, delicious corporate welfare dollars. May I get you a warm towel and salty nuts to shove up yourself sideways, sir?

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Also, The Beast passed by something very gay and very important today. Again. Why? No on Prop 8 is the new black, Tina. For some weird reason, Stonewall doesn’t seem that long ago anymore either. Dream it, be it.

Top Court in California Will Review Proposition 8
What is it about civil rights and love that Prop 8 hates so much? Is all of that freedom and compassion on your last nerve, 8? In any case, a mobilized, committed and fiercely proud group is ready to kick some hater ass. Go California!

The Daily Beast Cheat Sheet Condensed

Now you know why all blogs sound the same - The Cheat Sheet rules. Tina Brown will homogenize you all, and laugh and laugh and laugh… On the other hand, I can make it shorter and cut to the chase.

* Ted Stevens, an elderly felon from Alaska, failed to win his long-winded senate seat. Ted is famous for calling the Internet “The Tubes” and soliciting a bridge to nowhere. He got popped for taking bad donations. I would never do that.

* Eric Holder, a veteran Washington lawyer, is going to be Obama’s attorney general. Holder is the anti-Gonzales, in that he actually believes in the rule of law and read The Constitution more than twice. Girl – it’s like Christmas, but early.

* Texas Grand Jury Indicts Cheney, Gonzales
Dick (“Darth”) Cheney and former Attorney General Alberto (“Igor”) Gonzales have been indicted on separate charges stemming from alleged prisoner abuse in federal detention centers, CNN reports. Did I say early Christmas? I meant Christmas, Halloween and Memorial Day all wrapped up in one package. Savor it like Parmesan cheese. Nothing may come of this, per usual, but it will be fun to watch.

* Iran’s Nuclear Plant Set for 2009 Launch
Talk about truth in advertising. Iran is launching a nuclear plant, all right. A plant with GPS, aerodynamic tailfins and an American flag painted on the side, with a big red slash through it.

* Dems Spare Lieberman
In an unprecedented display of testicle-free decision-making processes, US Democrats spared turncoat Sen. Joe Lieberman from having his penis smacked with a ruler in the public square. Even though Joe called Obama a terrorist-loving Socialist pinko while campaigning for Grampy McCain! Can you smell my outrage?

* Sarah Palin’s $7 Million Book Deal
Here I am asking for donations in a slightly coherent manner, while that nitwit Sarah Palin is going to rake in millions for her coveted pop-up book for mouth breathers and douchebags. Oh yeah, I’m bitter. Who’s going to be her ghostwriter? Tina Fey, I hope. HAHAHA.