Obama's Infomercial Will Liberate You

He had me at the amber waves of grain...

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Part Two:


Part Three:


Part Four (I recommend this):

Republicans for Obama: Thank You Much!

With Election Day just around the corner, shamed Republicans have been eager to jump John McCain’s sinking ship to endorse Barack Obama. The movement began post-Palin and hit a peak when retired General Colin Powell offered his sound endorsement to the senator from Illinois last weekend. Even Scotty McClellan, former White House Press Secretary under Gee Dubya, is voting for the Big O.

Republicans are, therefore, desperate for social acceptance. In fact, the National Black Republican Association really wants you to believe that Rev. Martin Luther King, Jr. was a Republican. Beyond the pandering tone of this proclamation is a stink so fierce that it makes my eyebrows melt.

What am I to think? Oh wait, I know: Republicans are willing to affirm a posthumous endorsement from MLK for Obama. Unfortunately, it feels like Republicans have rewritten history on a bathroom stall, as they squeeze John McCain through their puckered butt-cheeks. “For a Good Time Call Sarah Palin” is on the wall, too.

I’m going to go vote today – want to come? I’ll give you a ride.

Register To Vote

Time slips away and sometimes we put off things. We love to put off things so much that we invented Snooze Buttons and In-Boxes with unlimited space. Be that as it may, voter registration deadlines are drawing near. OMAIGAHD HURRY.

Don't know if you can vote? Visit this national database to find out. Plug in the required info (name, location) and WAA-LAH. This site provides registration date deadlines, and tells you what kind of information to bring to get registered.

If you don’t register to vote, this is what’s going to happen:

A giant crater will open up underneath the toilet you are sitting on, as you’re making your morning poop. You, and the toilet you are sitting on, will be sucked into the crater. Firemen will have to pull you out of the crater, with a toilet attached to your business, and the video will go viral. Is that how you want to be remembered?

All of your friends will be wearing very cool “I Voted” stickers on November 4th. Everyone who votes gets a sticker. People who do not vote do not get stickers. People who do not wear the sticker may experience lightheadedness, impotence, hair growth on their tongues, female baldness, devaluation of bling, and persistent cynicism with foul-smelling vision. EEEEEIIII!

Register to vote. It's so much easier!

Visit your local Board of Elections on-line for more information. It’s FREE, FREE, and FREE!

Top 10 Presidential Debate Highlights

Sen. John McCain (R, AZ) un-suspended his presidential campaign to debate Sen. Barack Obama (D, IL) on Friday evening. This was the first of three presidential debates. The moderator was Jim Lehrer, of PBS. In case you missed anything, here are the Top 10 Presidential Debate Highlights…

10. McCain invited children from the audience to pull his finger. Unfortunately, McCain inadvertently pooped his pants during his third attempt.

9. Always the peacemaker, Obama gave McCain a new Blackberry. McCain was disappointed to find out that he couldn’t use his Blackberry to play 8-track tapes. “I really miss Dr. Hook,” he said.

8. Obama challenged McCain to make nice paella. McCain refused and said he was opposed to preparing “Socialist Rice”.

7. The crowd went wild when Obama pop-locked during “Rockit”, by Herbie Hancock.

6. McCain got a cramp in his Ahmadinejad. Thank goodness for Blue Goo.

5. Obama scored points pronouncing Ahmadinejad correctly and said, “Ahmma talk to him later.”

4. During commercial breaks, Jim Lehrer talked to the crowd about partying at Chateau Marmont, and explained the difference between doing 8-balls and rolling on E.

3. Everyone loved McCain’s war stories. Especially his anecdotes about Vietnamese hookers.

2. When asked about his health-care plan, McCain distributed vitamin C and antibiotic ointment to the audience, and encouraged Americans to, “…stop whining.”

1. The crowd went wild when Obama gave piggyback rides to the entire front row.