Bank of America Blew The Rent On A Kegger

Bank of America failed to read my Field Guide For Shameless Wall Street Types. They were too busy to pay attention because they were blowing their bail-out on a Super Bowl party for “prospective clients” while “marketing loan products”. Obvious euphemisms for “open bar” and “party ‘till you puke”.

If there is a more frat-bastard way to create a PR nightmare during an economic disaster, let me know.

For a company that was crying a torrential downpour of salty tears, teetering on the brink of a suicide cliff, BoA sure knows how to get down. They could have given people knock-off watches for opening a new account at their bank, but NO. Hmmm, considerate business gimmicks v. body shots with cougars? Cougars win!

I spent some time looking at news sites on Monday, to see how many people were as eye-bulging mad as I am about BoA. Funny thing happened at the ABC News forum. About 300 people signed up to that site yesterday, to comment in favor of BoA. First time visitors. Go ahead and click on the profiles belonging to pro-BoA monikers and see for yourself. That’s what corporate damage control looks like. How very thoughtful of those BoA employees to stink-up the Internet when they should have been preoccupied with making us some money.

I want my TARP back. Actually, I want my money plus a free pass to go hog-wild epileptic on the entire list of executives at BoA. First in line for this opportunity should be former BoA employees laid-off in 2008 (to curb expenses). Fair is fair.

Did anyone really expect corporations to take the fiscal and moral high ground when they received TARP money? Why, and who are you really? It would have taken five minutes for any elected official (or former president) to outline decent behavior, but they flaked – distracted by inhaling and exhaling into paper bags about the money problems.

If it were up to me the US government would regulate, legislate and berate the crap out of these companies, because they are incapable of making good choices on their own. Their business models keep breaking down and we deserve something else.

BlagoVision: Monday Media Blitz Scheduled

Blago has hired Drew Peterson’s PR firm (because the Hillside Strangler’s publicist was busy). Drew Peterson is an ex-cop from Illinois. His second-to-last wife “drowned” in an empty bathtub and the last one has been missing for over a year. Drew has been a popular talk show guest because of his notoriety, and that is why you will enjoy some Blago on Good Morning America, The View and Larry King Live this coming Monday.

Tampa-based firm Publicity Agency is always looking for new talent. If you or someone you know is holding the crap end of a public scandal, please contact Publicity Agency immediately for representation. First time callers will receive a complimentary 24-hour media blitz.

Expect Larry King to receive many irate callers, a Shrillfest at The View and plenty of furrowed brows sagging over important-looking glasses on Good Morning America. If this doesn’t make you want to throw up your entire face, I don’t know what will.

Oh how I miss the modest din of supermarket tabloids.