Saturday, January 31, 2009

2009 Field Guide For Shameless Wall Street Types

1. If the US government gives you $20 billion dollars to keep your business solvent, do not spend it on jets, office furnishings, parties or bonuses for your butt buddies. This is your first and final warning.

2. The days of wine and roses are officially over. Welcome to the Value Menu Years! FYI – the menu selections rarely change. Memorize them all to save time when placing an order (Jr. hamburger, parfait, 3 chicken nuggets, fried hair or a small orange soda). Easy!

3. If you have been ripped-off by Bernie Madoff it means that you can probably afford to take a hit, because he didn’t play pissant, rinky-dink, Little People games. Surely you must have been somebody once! Still upset? My mother is available to give you something to really cry about. By all means – ask for a demo with her tomato stick. I dare you.

4. If you are a CEO of a company that did not receive as much TARP money as your peers, it is because your peers screwed it up for everyone. If you were to look up your peers in the phone book, knock on their doors and punch them all in the neck, who am I to judge? Have at it.

5. While your wife is recovering from her last Botox injection for a long time, have her snip supermarket coupons from the Sunday newspaper. These coupons can be traded for a discount on food items or used as a trendy alternative for expensive toilet tissue. It’s the latest thing.

NEXT WEEK: Sign up for my latest seminar, STFU And Make Me Some Money. We will discuss the ways you will earn money without abusing your secretary and staff. Yes, it can be done! Get tips on downsizing your estate without looking like you're from Alabama or New Jersey. Also, learn how to bake a Humble Pie. Mmmm!

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anony tu said...

Apple Dippers are a healthy alternative to potatoes fried in tallow and a great way to avoid mad cow prions!

My Christ! Ms Mojo, what a coincidence! Here I am lobbying for eat the rich on the thread below while YOU, you hunka-hunka-a-burnin love, are up here on this thread making an even better argument for eating the rich. No wait! You're not! To the contrary, you are trying to help the rich / newly poor! Bless your heart! That's because you're a better person than me, and don't think I can't appreciate the fact. I want to reform.

May I add a few pointers for the newly poor? Oh, thanks!

1. The peanut butter that says "crunchy" on the label may confuse you. How can butter be crunchy, right? Don't worry, it's the same thing as "creamy" but the little bits of peanuts that rolled off the conveyor belt have been swept up and added to it. It doesn't change the taste, it just adds an interesting texture. You may like texture.
2. Warning! Some of the places where poor people eat may advertise "have it your way." Never, NEVER, ask to have it "your way." (Unless you'd like to have spit with your burger.)
3. Be careful of everything edible. There's a bastard in Poorville named Sam. O. Nilla who loves to fuck with peoples' food. If you can manage to not eat at all, that'd be the safest thing.
3A. When you read "FDA Approved" on a label just laugh and laugh and laugh. You'll get the joke someday.
3B. At times, it is best to splurge on Charmin Ultra-Soft instead of the store brand.

How am I doing, Mojo? Am I reformed, yet?

a.tu said...

Um,um,um. THIS is a tasty treaty Mojopost! It gets a 10 because mostly it's about food. Did you notice? Yes. That's because food is what we want most. Then sex. Then shelter. Then, tickets to anything good.

Welcome to POORSVILLE!

atuu said...

Welp, since I seem to be the only one not passed out from a night of hard drinking, I'll just post and post and post til somebody's up, okay? What day is it?

J9 said...

"My mother is available to give you something to really cry about."

Beautiful sentiment!

And did you see that a bunch of snotty trust fund teens (think some dippy "reality" show) toilet papered Madoff"s FLA residence. AND his MAID did not press charges. wow, there are so very many things wrong with the tragically out of touch, oh, I mean, rich.

Mojopo said...

J9, I didn't know about the TP. Do you think anyone explained to the kids that Bernie's wasn't home and his poor maid got stuck with the mess? She should have made those rotten kids clean it up. With their teeth!

atuu said...

Oo, oo, Mojopo is aroused! I mean not passed out anymore. Great! That means it'll only be a few more hours and she'll be slapping another grand post right on us! YAY!

If Madoff's maid needs a hand picking up all that toilet paper, I'll help as long as I can bring it home with me. My peeples is a poopsful lot. I can use a few dozen extra rolls.

Minnie-sota said...

They should also know to order the small fries. ;-)

Mojopo said...

Have you seen Speedy today? I hope she got to see Mall Cop. Hit me back with a review, girl.

Anony - I'm sorry, but I'm busy trying to buy chicken wings. Did you know there has been a wing shortage?

And yup - I am writing about food all the time. I should be 500 lbs by now, because if I'm not eating food then I'm thinking about making it. I joined Weight Watchers once, just for new recipes.

Yes, I'm a real person. Minnie has met me! Too cool. We had cheeseburgers at the Billy Goat.

If you're ever in Chicago, I think you should invite me and a friend to Alinea. Just a thought.