Saturday, January 31, 2009
2009 Field Guide For Shameless Wall Street Types
1. If the US government gives you $20 billion dollars to keep your business solvent, do not spend it on jets, office furnishings, parties or bonuses for your butt buddies. This is your first and final warning.
2. The days of wine and roses are officially over. Welcome to the Value Menu Years! FYI – the menu selections rarely change. Memorize them all to save time when placing an order (Jr. hamburger, parfait, 3 chicken nuggets, fried hair or a small orange soda). Easy!
3. If you have been ripped-off by Bernie Madoff it means that you can probably afford to take a hit, because he didn’t play pissant, rinky-dink, Little People games. Surely you must have been somebody once! Still upset? My mother is available to give you something to really cry about. By all means – ask for a demo with her tomato stick. I dare you.
4. If you are a CEO of a company that did not receive as much TARP money as your peers, it is because your peers screwed it up for everyone. If you were to look up your peers in the phone book, knock on their doors and punch them all in the neck, who am I to judge? Have at it.
5. While your wife is recovering from her last Botox injection for a long time, have her snip supermarket coupons from the Sunday newspaper. These coupons can be traded for a discount on food items or used as a trendy alternative for expensive toilet tissue. It’s the latest thing.
NEXT WEEK: Sign up for my latest seminar, STFU And Make Me Some Money. We will discuss the ways you will earn money without abusing your secretary and staff. Yes, it can be done! Get tips on downsizing your estate without looking like you're from Alabama or New Jersey. Also, learn how to bake a Humble Pie. Mmmm!