Friday, May 08, 2009

G-Nome Paradoxus Mystifies TV Land

According to Mojopost apparatchik, Anony Tu, hidden episodes of M*A*S*H can be viewed while watching local TV commercials backwards. I spent the evening researching this theory (called G-Nome Paradoxus) and can easily confirm the validity of his or her report. However, GNP is not strictly delegated to M*A*S*H reruns. A Petri dish full of nanobots working at my Southside rocket lab found clips from Quincy and Divorce Court on public access programs, too. Public access TV is literally swarming with backward paradoxes.

Remember to tilt your head and look:

It’s uncanny, isn’t it?

Scrotch and Combos Alert: Anony and I will be on C-SPAN tomorrow, testifying before Congress about GNP. Don’t forget to set the DVR! Pull up a recliner – enjoy your snack and beverage.

Thank you, Dr. B. Pony at Classical Gas Emissions for the video. This site has been added to the Best Links section, where it will be given an education, clothes and nourishing meals for less than .33 cents a day.

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Thursday, May 07, 2009

We Got Scooters! - Local Commercial Outtakes

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If It Is Not On The Fridge, It Is Not Important

I’ve been trying to find "something good" to put on my fridge, because this phrase alone racks up 223,000,000 Google hits. With more than two hundred million pieces of evidence on hand for something good, as compared to 117,000,000 “something bad” links, odds are in my favor that I can hit pay dirt.

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There is absolutely no question that I started out looking for good somethings because I was feeling bad and needed an attractive mental escape hatch. Did you know that every dark tunnel has a few skylights, so that we can stop and recharge before we keep walking towards the light at the end? Without those, every day would feel like a drive through Ohio.

As I get older it seems like the tunnel exit sign is always further away than what I remember, and I wish that I had worn better shoes. Does that ever happen to you?

I still haven’t found anything to tack onto the fridge. Which is a shame because I located a spare magnet under the fridge when I was vacuuming. Next to the dry erase board and photographs of my family, I have a place for something good. Perhaps it will turn up soon.

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Wednesday, May 06, 2009

Tuesday, May 05, 2009

Olcott Beach Update

Tired of Milan? Sick of DC? Mojopost can provide you with the latest news about Olcott Beach, NY, from her Mom and other noted sources.

Playground Flasher Nabbed!
Local pedo finally busted, ending two months of terror at local playgrounds.

Coyote Update
Displaced coyotes continue to bite the living crap out of slow-moving victims.

Mom Said
Stupid bird builds a nest on widow’s porch light. “You should see the mess,” Mom said. “Mud, string, straw, condom wrappers… I’m going to get up at 3:00 in the morning and turn on the porch lights, and I will burn their bottoms!” You go, girl. Don’t take that nonsense sitting down!

Bill Hilt’s Weekly Fish Locator
“Kyle Stabler of Sanborn caught a 32 pound carp this week while he was fishing Olcott Harbor for perch. He was using minnows for his impressive catch. While there aren’t as many steelhead in the 18 Mile Creek system, some of the warm water fish species have started to turn on.”

  • Weather – Looks just about right.
  • Dining – Bye’s Popcorn is open for business! OMFG!
If you have news about Olcott Beach, please contact Mojopost. Right now! Thank you much.

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Monday, May 04, 2009

Human Toileting

No, Michael, I was not aware that human toileters were suffering in the Third World. When you sent me that note about modern-day slave labor it was the first time I’ve ever heard about human toileters. I could see something like this happening in Germany, though.

Michael, this has to be stopped immediately. I don’t care what I have to sign, I’ll do anything to make human toileting stop! Every time a human is used as a toilet a part of me dies! WHAT CAN I DO TO WIPE OUT HUMAN TOILETING?

I was angry but I caught myself. As I was about to head out the door and demonstrate, I realized that I’m not going to help anyone by dressing as a toilet and sitting on Michigan Avenue. If there’s one thing I’ve learned in life, it is that performance art sucks a bag of dicks and nobody gets it. People like the Internet! Everybody gets that (except for my mother). Count me in for any (and all!) on-line polls.

I'll be all around in the dark. I'll be everywhere – at all hours of the night. Wherever there's a flame war, I'll be there. Wherever there's a forum moderator beating up a guy, I'll be there. I'll be in the way people Tweet when they're mad. And when the people are sitting on their own john, because they won’t be human toileters anymore, I’ll be there in spirit.

Light a candle for them, won’t you?

Bishop Paul Morten & the Greater St. Stephens Choir - We Shall Overcome (rawks!)

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