Saturday, January 24, 2009

Goat Fingered In Nigerian Crime Spree

Nigerian police have fingered a goat as the suspected mastermind behind an attempted carjacking. As police closed in on would-be Mazda thieves one of the men transformed into a goat, a creature prized for it’s delicious cheese-making abilities and tin can-eating hijinks.

It is not yet clear why the suspected thief transformed into a goat, rather than a wolf or a bat. No matter. The goat has been arrested and will face trial.

Shape shifting was a popular skill practiced in most nations for thousands of years, but it has become less common in the modern age. The reasons for this are varied. Of the many factors considered, water flouridation and mega-churches rank high on the list.

I was not stealing anything at the time, but I distinctly remember turning into a giant wooden block in 1994 (A B C and D, plus 1 and 2). It was at a disco in Manhattan. I became aware of my predicament after a co-worker informed me that I had accidentally ingested her boyfriend’s Special K. Very much not recommended, but with some assistance I eventually changed into a cab ride home.

I don’t think I would have chosen to be a goat, but that’s just me. How about you? When you’re out stealing compact cars, which cloaking device do you prefer?

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Friday, January 23, 2009

Obama From An Indian Point of View

(President Obama's Hanuman lucky charm)

Yesterday I spoke with a woman we will call Harshada, who manages the gas station near my condo. Harshada is from India and she sells me my cigarettes. If there are no lines of customers Harshada and I gossip about life and the news – her behind the bulletproof booth and me in my parka. In spite of these barriers and thermal padding we have some good conversations.

Last night I dropped in on the gas station for some smokes, as a ruse to discuss the Obama thing with Harshada. “You never come this late for things, my friend,” she said, “You are bored, yes?” Yes. So I told her I have been reading international news sites and wanted to know how she felt about the Obama presidency and Hillary’s new appointment as Secretary of State. We discuss these kinds of things.

Harshada immediately focused on Pakistan, because she is eager to find out how Obama will tackle their messes. Also, it is very important to her is that the US has renounced torture. She was impressed with Obama’s reliance on the Army Field Manual guidelines for intelligence gathering. As she was speaking, I tried to think of one US citizen I know who has ever thought about the Army manual. Not even one, is what I came up with. Me either. I felt so stupid.

I double-checked some Indian news sources later, to be sure about a few things, and found a story mentioning Gitmo and the Army manual. Two complete paragraphs about the importance of the Army manual versus waterboarding and torture, which is more than I’ve read in popular US media sources. Perhaps I missed the coverage? It could happen. Regardless, Harshada had more information than I do about the manual. Which might mean that US news sites are lazy about details, or that our pro-troops posturing and righteous indignation is a wee bit under-informed. There seems to be room for a smarter discussion about these bad things Dubya has done.

My friend is enthusiastic about Secretary of State Hillary Clinton. Me too. The Department of State has been serving as Dubya’s beleaguered waterboy under the direction of former Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice. Dubya and Condi sent unarmed diplomats and aid workers into Iraq and Afghanistan, despite security conditions (war) that made their jobs an impossible hell.

On Thursday cheering new co-workers – masses of them pressing in, to try and shake hands - met Hillary at the door. “Hillary is going to get some things accomplished. A new era,” my friend said. No doubt.

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Thursday, January 22, 2009

President Obama Hits the Reset Button

President Barack Obama peed on the smoldering ruins of George Bush's presidency yesterday. Specifically, the new president arrested last-minute regulations set in motion by the Bush administration. The US House and Senate will aid his endeavor by preparing legislation that makes it easier for Pres. Obama to knock that crap off right now.

From ProPublica:
Of the 65 rules we listed on our Midnight Regulations chart [1], 23 have gone into effect; about a third of those have gone live, so to speak, since Sunday.
Obama’s gay watersports trick will easily squelch the regulations not yet in effect. The hard part is finding a way to drown the bad ideas once they have become a reality.

Rahm Emanuel, Obama’s Chief of Staff, is all over this like Daniel Plainview with a bowling pin for Eli Sunday.

In addition to undoing some damage, Pres. Obama spent his first full day in office pitching diplomacy to the Middle East. Then he had a press conference to tell us he would never slip his manhood into our special place without us knowing it (unlike some people). Obama finished the day re-doing his oath of office with Chief Justice John Roberts, to shut-up the conspiracy theorists and social outcasts who fixate on inconsequential absurdities.

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Wednesday, January 21, 2009

Inauguration Day And Light Bulb Moments

Chief Justice John Roberts couldn’t remember 35 words. What did you expect? Bush appointed him. Dur!

This made up for that.

Later, the Obama family attended a 12 hour parade and danced at 1,000 inaugural balls. My president and First Lady can dance and they looked, well - HOT. How hot? I would have pay-per-viewed it. This kind of mutual attraction has never happened in a presidential marriage before.

When I was a kid, I remember my parents and older brothers and sisters talking about John F. Kennedy and his wife, Jacqueline. Mrs. Kennedy was clearly a big deal, but I never understood the way people fussed over first ladies because Jackie Kennedy was before my time.

My frames of reference were Betty of The Ford Clinic, boring Rosalynn, Nancy just saying NO, Barbara the bitch, Hillary the Health Care Lady done wrong and creepy, overly Botoxed Laura. Yesterday I had a light bulb moment. The First Lady whoopty-doo made sense when Michelle Obama made it official. I loved Hillary, but Michelle is different because I’m all ready fantasizing about being invited to lunch with with her and Oprah. Together we can change America (and be fabulous).

I called my father. “Dad, wasn’t the Inauguration amazing?” He’s a good old (old old old) boy from North Carolina, who loves his Jesus and worked for GM. He can’t say much because he’s sick but he told me, “I’m so glad. I like his wife. Those kids are… beautiful.” He choked up a bit. No lie. As he was saying this, I was watching TV and looking at the faces in the crowd. They were choked up, too. White faces, brown faces, painted faces – people of all color and creed. You are doing it right, people.

For most of my life Martin Luther King, Jr. was a dreamer from the vault and JFK was a Zapruder film. I have waited 41 years to understand how a leader could be revered and cherished in real time. I never expected to see what a good man looks like in the White House, but now I know. Light bulbs moments all day, is what I am saying.

If anyone asks me what January 20, 2009 was like, I would have to say that it felt like jumping out of an airplane and landing in my own bed, unscathed. “Did that just happen?” Yes!

President Obama and First Lady Michelle Dancing

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Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Happy Obama Inauguration Day!

Happy Inauguration Day! Linkage provided to enhance your pleasure.

Twitter Inauguration – Few words, big on Hopey.

TrafficLand – Street views of DC with a 2 second delay. Look for the parade on Pennsylvania Avenue around 2:30 PM, EST.

Hulu – Embed the inauguration to your blog, if you please, but the live stream is through Fox News. I’m warning you.

NPR – Live chats, ear food, blogging and cool pics. Free free free!

Me? I’M A MESS. Pacing. Making checklists.
  • Favorite underwear activated.
  • Champagne chilled.
  • Clocks and watches synchronized.
  • Cell phone OFF.
  • Case of tissues from Costco.
  • Not breathing until it happens.
It’s really happening, isn’t it? I don't have to tell cab drivers I'm from Canada anymore!

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Monday, January 19, 2009

Mojopoll - Latest Results and New Obama Poll

Last week’s poll results are in. I asked you if you got along with your neighbors. Most of you love your neighbors so much that you would provide them with an alibi. “Oh, my neighbors are SO COOL. Dude, you have no idea!” In second place was, “Those people are the most annoying people in the world. They can’t even blow their soup without getting it in their eyes!” Well fuck them anyhow. While we’re at it, fuck your cool neighbors, too. Why don’t you all just trade wives now and get it over with? I came here to see a smackdown and all I got was kumbaya at the block party. What a rip-off!

People, I don’t think you quite understand what is going on. This is the last credible day of cynicism you can enjoy for a long, long time because it is George Dubya’s last day in office. After Monday people are going to expect a little bit of dignity from your direction now and then. Adult behavior even.

For eight years we have enjoyed feeling morally and intellectually superior to this guy. After today you can kiss that shit good-bye! The first MBA president, huh? What a stroke of anti-genius that was. I'll never get his stain out of my better angels.

It's a good thing you elected Barack Obama and his unicorn. He is smarter than us all and his kids are much better looking than yours (and more well behaved). What does this mean? We are all being taken down a peg come Tuesday, that’s what. Suck it!

It’s Inauguration Week in the US and we need to butter up our handsome Obama because he is not like Dubya at all. Obama seems to like responsibility and is immune to our bloggy condescension. Call me crazy, but I like that in a president. Without a hint of cynicism in my tone, here is a new poll - 10 Things I Like About Barack Obama As President. Check your opinions on the right. Multiple choice - select as many answers as you need to feel clean.

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Sunday, January 18, 2009

Obama On The Hogwarts Express

President-elect Barack Obama spent Saturday traveling on the Hogwarts Express. Obama’s traveling companions were H.R. Puffenstuff, Oprah Winfrey, Albus Dumbledore and Frodo. At every whistle-stop along the way (about eight hours worth of whistles), Obama drew hearty crowds of admirers.

In a nation humbled by hurricanes, joblessness and mercury poisoning, it is no wonder a nation clings desperately to hope and change.

President-elect Obama will arrive at Shining City Upon A Hill this coming Tuesday at high noon. No less than 87 bazillion people are expected to witness the event, when Obama banishes ignorant Monkeylord Dubya from the kingdom with a magical spell: “Allah kazaam, allah kazoo, Barack Hussein Obama - demons out!”

Mojopost’s forecast for the next four days indicates persistent elation moving in from the east. The high-pressure system that has wrought economic catastrophes, crippled government and started two wars is expected to taper down over the next four years.

Grand Funk Railroad - The Locomotion

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