Saturday, January 24, 2009

Goat Fingered In Nigerian Crime Spree













Nigerian police have fingered a goat as the suspected mastermind behind an attempted carjacking. As police closed in on would-be Mazda thieves one of the men transformed into a goat, a creature prized for it’s delicious cheese-making abilities and tin can-eating hijinks.

It is not yet clear why the suspected thief transformed into a goat, rather than a wolf or a bat. No matter. The goat has been arrested and will face trial.

Shape shifting was a popular skill practiced in most nations for thousands of years, but it has become less common in the modern age. The reasons for this are varied. Of the many factors considered, water flouridation and mega-churches rank high on the list.

I was not stealing anything at the time, but I distinctly remember turning into a giant wooden block in 1994 (A B C and D, plus 1 and 2). It was at a disco in Manhattan. I became aware of my predicament after a co-worker informed me that I had accidentally ingested her boyfriend’s Special K. Very much not recommended, but with some assistance I eventually changed into a cab ride home.

I don’t think I would have chosen to be a goat, but that’s just me. How about you? When you’re out stealing compact cars, which cloaking device do you prefer?

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33 comments:

anonytu said...

You are kidding me, right?! Mazda car stealing shape-shifting goat?! Key-rist, lemme read this! Back soon with a comment!

Mojopo said...

You started it. You opened my mind to goat formations, and look what happened!

anonytu said...

When I steal Mazda cars, I always shift shape into a drunken old man.

Shape-shifting goats!!! As if this world hasn't enough trouble as it is. That's IT! We have to reopen Gitmo! We'll have to round up these Mazda car stealing shapies! Any goat who shape shifts will have to be interred. Any goat who KNOWS a goat who shape shifts will have to go too. Any goat who MIGHT know a goat who shape shifts will need to be picked up. Any goat who ever HEARD of a goat who shape shifts! And, then, let's charge em with nothing and waterboard them for the pure joy of it! Let's get these goat bastards before they get our Mazda cars!

at said...

Oo, oo! AFRICANS! Will have to get the shape-shifting Africans too! How will we know who they are? I know! Let's waterboard them! C'mon, we haven't waterboarded anybody in days!

Mojopo said...

Hay look at me, I'm turning tin cans into cheeses! All kinds!

I think we should not waterboard the goats. Don't you think they've been fingered enough? Find your inner Sister Helen Prejean!

Mojopo said...

I ate some goat at Taste of Chicago a few years back. It was curried, and very gamey.

at said...

I knew only you could do this story justice, Ms Mojo. That's why I wanted you to see it. I'm proud to have inspired a Mojopost. ANY Mojopost! I'm printing this one and framing it.

Oh, And I give it a ten, because Americans need things to worry about and shape-shifting hasn't hardly even entered the picture yet. THIS Mojopost gets a ten because it blazes a new trail.

Mojopo said...

...because will eat anything, is why I ate some goat. I don't care what you put in front of me, as long as it comes with a fork or at the business end of a toothpick, Imma put it in my mouth. Fuck it man. You only live once.

Mojopo said...

Oh thanks, Anony. I like coming into this gig with a 10 every day. It's so heart smart, to be able to do this.

Mojopo said...

Oh, I need to put some cigarettes and vermouth on top of my heart. Be right back.

Anonymous said...

Not waterboard the GOATS?!!! You pussy! Of course we're gonna waterboard em. That's what we do!!!!!

Anonymous said...

oh, so you'll eat em but you won't waterboard em.

Mojopo said...

No, I will never waterboard a goat. It makes the meat stringy, you big silly. Everybody knows you have to have a BBQ. DUH!

Mojopo said...

Wait - oh dude. I just had a thought. What if the real criminals got away and left the goat holding the car keys?

Mojopo said...

I can't wrap my head around the Mazda. I need some sleep. I hope I don't dream about the perils of nightclubs in the 90's. Because that sucked.

Anonymous said...

Wait!

Anonymous said...

I just thought of sumpin. What if the goat you ate was a shape shifting Mazda car thief? Cannibal!

kithmean said...

hello from Cambodia, it is awesome info.

Anonymous said...

Goes you to bed now, ms Mojopo. Dream about me. I am not stringy and I do not turn into blocks. I can't even shape shift with the aid of strong halucinogens. Let's dance!

Anonymous said...

Hi, Kithmean. Mojo's drunk and is going to bed. Isn't this a great blog?

Anonymous said...

hmmm.

So, anyway.

PapaPig said...

NO NO NO NO NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

That was Fred the Goat I am telling you. We grew up on the same farm. Now knowing he could shape shift explains a lot.

He must also shape shifted to have sex which explains the French Bull that would woo all the cows at night but be gone in the morning. But those details are beyond the scope of this article!

J9 said...

I think it would be a bit awkward to shape shift into anything that makes lonely farmers um, well, less lonely. Imagine Bobby Joe's surprise in finding out he's been getting aquainted with his cousin's fiance, Jimmy Dale!

Minnie-sota said...

Shouldn't this story have been published in The Onion? Hah.

anonytu said...

No, Minnie. The Onion is for comical made-up stuff. This is shape-shifting, a serious concern for us Mazda car owners. The auto insurance agents are already taking a serious hit. Last thing they need is hot-fingered shape-shifting goats! This article belongs in Wall Street Journal. This is an economic crisis in the making! (On top of that other economic crisis.)

Papa, are you sure that's your ol friend, Fred? Cuz, seriously, man, we're gonna have to arrest him, waterboard him, and then cook him and eat him in a curry. Please don't take it personally. Do you remember whether Fred is stringy?

at said...

These people?

http://www.greatgoats.com/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl

They don't like ANY of my goat questions! Why?

at. said...

Aha! THIS explains EVERYTHING!!!!

http://www.tv.com/video/15899/103/421685/shape-shifter---full-episode?o=tv

Minnie-sota said...

Hahaha, Anonytu. Well, I think my Toyota is safe if goats are only after Mazdas.

Anonymous said...

I've never met a shape shifter. Although.... several ex's turned out to be weasels! Is that the same thing????


\\Speedy//

PapaPig said...

anonytu said...
Papa, are you sure that's your ol friend, Fred? Cuz, seriously, man, we're gonna have to arrest him, waterboard him, and then cook him and eat him in a curry. Please don't take it personally. Do you remember whether Fred is stringy?


First, I KNEW Fred, he is NOT a friend. He is way to weird to have friends. That is why he would shape shift to have sex with the cows. Otherwise few hang around him.

Second you won't ever catch Fred, no one else has. He is so old the meat would past stringy. Plus he has a secret molar if captured he can break, spreading toxin through him, making him poisonous to eat.

I would also not surprise me even after dead and cooked he could shape shift into a bowl of rotten eggs on the table.

I don't think he will do this twice. He is more a prankster than a thief. If it keeps happening then maybe it's not him.

PapaPig said...

J9 said...
I think it would be a bit awkward to shape shift into anything that makes lonely farmers um, well, less lonely. Imagine Bobby Joe's surprise in finding out he's been getting acquainted with his cousin's fiance, Jimmy Dale!


J9, you have goats and sheep mixed up.

Anonymous said...

Does it have to be carjacking? I'd like to rob a bank and turn into a big bear.

LV

Mojopo said...

LV, that's the spirit.

Papa, I saw Fred at the supermarket. He was head cheese! I got out my Sharpie and wrote "POISONOUS" on the price tag.

It was sad to see Fred that way. I think I'm going to be a vegetarian again.