Saturday, September 27, 2008

Top 10 Presidential Debate Highlights

Sen. John McCain (R, AZ) un-suspended his presidential campaign to debate Sen. Barack Obama (D, IL) on Friday evening. This was the first of three presidential debates. The moderator was Jim Lehrer, of PBS. In case you missed anything, here are the Top 10 Presidential Debate Highlights

10. McCain invited children from the audience to pull his finger. Unfortunately, McCain inadvertently pooped his pants during his third attempt.

9. Always the peacemaker, Obama gave McCain a new Blackberry. McCain was disappointed to find out that he couldn’t use his Blackberry to play 8-track tapes. “I really miss Dr. Hook,” he said.

8. Obama challenged McCain to make nice paella. McCain refused and said he was opposed to preparing “Socialist Rice”.

7. The crowd went wild when Obama pop-locked during “Rockit”, by Herbie Hancock.

6. McCain got a cramp in his Ahmadinejad. Thank goodness for Blue Goo.

5. Obama scored points pronouncing Ahmadinejad correctly and said, “Ahmma talk to him later.”

4. During commercial breaks, Jim Lehrer talked to the crowd about partying at Chateau Marmont, and explained the difference between doing 8-balls and rolling on E.

3. Everyone loved McCain’s war stories. Especially his anecdotes about Vietnamese hookers.

2. When asked about his health-care plan, McCain distributed vitamin C and antibiotic ointment to the audience, and encouraged Americans to, “…stop whining.”

1. The crowd went wild when Obama gave piggyback rides to the entire front row.

Thursday, September 25, 2008

McCain Delays Economic Rescue; Elaborates On The Length Of His Manhood

Sen. John McCain (R, AZ) suspended his presidential campaign September 23, 2008, citing an urgent need to visit Washington, DC, in order to spoil any measure of progress regarding the economic crisis in the United States. “I’m looking for a way to blame Democrats,” he said. McCain cautioned that even if his false allegations about the economy and Democrats are proven untrue, he was willing to put his manhood on the line. The candidate then called for an impromptu press conference to elaborate on the length of his manhood.

“My friends,” he said, “it seems ridiculous to me to waste the taxpayer’s time to talk about frivolous things like mortgage fraud and economic bail-outs, especially when the size of my penis is so extraordinarily small.”

“Like me, millions of men lack width and girth when it comes to the size of their penis. Personally, I have to use a cocktail fork to find my penis when I’m trying to use a urinal. Many American men do not have cocktail forks and are forced to urinate sitting down.”

“After this economic crisis is diverted, clearly without my help, I’m going to sign a bill that will provide cocktail forks to every home, in every state of the union. No man should pee sitting down unless it is his choice. As president, I am willing to promote penis-enhancement by offering $100 billion dollars in federal aid to scientific research devoted to enlarging American penises."

McCain answered journalist’s questions for three hours. He was asked about his plans to divert financial ruin.

“I will do whatever is humanly possible to delay a resolution.” McCain said that his advisers are certain he can interrupt progress indefinitely, and assured him that his penis is truly the smallest penis they have ever seen. McCain exposed himself to veteran journalist Helen Thomas, to prove his assertion. “I’ve seen newborn babies with bigger dingies,” Thomas said.

Later, McCain pulled down his pants for Anderson Cooper of CNN, all comers from The Wall Street Journal and one intern affiliated with The Sacramento Bee.

McCain said, “Of course I have ten cars. Obviously, I’m compensating for something.”

McCain plans to hinder serious discussions at the Hill on Friday by discussing his bowel movements, and intends to pass his removable dentures around the room, for laughs. More press conferences are anticipated.

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Update - 1:50 PM, September 26, 2008
Sen. John McCain has reversed his decision to avoid a debate with Sen. Barack Obama. On Friday, McCain’s mother, Mrs. Roberta McCain, picked him up by the scuff of his neck and threw him back into the debate forum. “You get in there and finish what you started, crybaby.” She added, “Don’t you dare come bawling to me, or I’ll really show you what a whupping feels like.”

McCain was asked if he feels confident about his debating skills. “I’m going to blink a lot and clear my throat really loud when Obama is speaking. I think I can mess up his concentration.”

When asked if he is ready to speak candidly and answer direction questions, McCain made an obscene hand gesture towards reporters and said, “How’s that for an answer, jerk?”

Top 10 Reasons Why McCain Has Suspended His Campaign

Sen. John McCain (R, Has Been) temporarily suspended his presidential campaign in order to form a coherent thought about the economic crisis in the US. McCain was scheduled to debate Sen. Barack Obama on Friday, the first of three presidential debates, but he can't make it because he's terribly busy. The topics to be debated were foreign policy and national security. The presidential elections take place on November 4th, 2008.


10. His mail-order prescription of Cialis will arrive Friday afternoon.
9. The debates conflict with all-you-can-eat night for seniors at Golden Corral.
8. Studying the Bush Doctrine with Chuck Norris. Lost valuable time complimenting Chuck’s new hair plugs.
7. Recently discovered that his copy of “World Leaders” is from 1977. D’oh!
6. Friday is Sarah’s day off. His expense reports have not yet been submitted and he will be busy answering his own phone.
5. Decided that a photo-op in DC was better than no photo-op at all.
4. If John McCain can spend five and a half years as an imprisoned POW in Vietnam, Barack Obama can wait five damn minutes for a crappy debate.
3. Still isn’t sure if where to find Pakistan on a map. Africa or South America? Too many choices.
2. Poker night with his biker buddies from Sturgis. That bottle of Jack ain’t gonna drink itself!
1. Two words: swollen prostate.

Elastica - Stutter

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

Sarah Palin At The UN With Bono

From ABC News:

Republican vice presidential nominee Sarah Palin's coming out party on the world stage kicks off tomorrow with a series of meetings with the types of foreign leaders she would regularly interact with as vice president, ABC News' Imtiyaz Delawala reports.

Palin sits down with foreign leaders (and one rock star) in New York this week for the United Nations General Assembly... On Palin's Tuesday schedule: Afghanistan President Hamid Karzai and Colombian President Alvaro Uribe, as well as former US Secretary of State Dr. Henry Kissinger… Palin will meet with Iraq President Jalal Talabani and Pakistan's newly-elected President Asif Ali Zardari.

Please, I can see the whole mess in my head. Henry Kissinger will cut in line ahead of Iraq’s president, Jalal Talabani, so that he can graze the side of Palin’s arm with his potbelly for an old man thrill. Meanwhile, Palin – a child of the 80’s – will ignore Henry’s advances to see Bono and feel like the coolest chick (in the history of ever) from Wasilla High School.

Palin might be a fundie whacko, and maybe Wasilla didn’t have cable in the 80’s, but it’s not like she lived under a rock. FYI Henry, and ew!

Bono: ‘Allo, govnah. I’m here to talk about starvin’ children.
Sarah P: Oh my gahd! I totally played “I Will Follow”, like, 800 times.

(UPDATE: Palin bans reporters from meetings with leaders.)

U2 - I Will Follow

Monday, September 22, 2008

Home Remedies Wanted

Please pardon the absence of political satire today. Instead I am requesting your insight about home remedies. Specifically, what kinds of non-prescription remedies have worked for your aches and pains?

Me? I’m on Oil Of Clove today. Also, a salt-water mouthwash. Let me explain: I had a killer wipeout in my laundry room a few months ago that busted my nose and some other stuff in the same region. As a result of that incident, it’s no surprise that I have an abscess in my upper gums today. I’ve discovered that once a person busts their nose or mouth, said person is pretty much screwed for life. On Sunday, I was wondering what could help this heinous gum pain until I can call a doctor on Monday. Like many, I Googled for information. Turns out that Oil Of Clove is a dental fixer-upper. I remembered my doc used it on me when I was sixteen, after I had my wisdom teeth removed. After reading the Goog, and being reminded of my tooth extraction, it all came back to me and so I fetched Oil Of Clove from Whole Foods.

Right now, I have a wad of clove oil-soaked cotton shoved between my gum and lip. I look very much like a redneck with a lump of chaw. The pain I am experiencing from this remedy is past medieval, bigger than Biblical and seems more infinite than a James Joyce novel. I forgot how much it hurt. No, I can’t even begin to imagine how I could forget something like this but it’s true.

Pre-clove oil, I had an aching throb that felt like a slow hammer warmed by Satan’s coals in my gums. Currently, I feel the hot hammer and a new sharp pain – it’s Abu Ghraib in my mouth, with Enola Gay delivering Agent Orange in lava coated packages. It has been my experience that terrible pain precedes healing, and so I’m hoping there is light at the end of the clove oil tunnel. I’m following the old adage about medicine, the one that says, “If it tastes terrible and hurts, it’s working.” If the adage is lying, I’m going to punch it in the crotch until there is no crotch left. In fact, I will remove the crotch of every family member who belongs to that old saying.

Until I can get some medical attention, please post your home remedy suggestions here. I’ll try anything, and would welcome your distractions. I don’t even care of I have to find eye of newt or a placenta with wings – if it works, I’m all over it. At this point, I might even pay you real money to aim a nail-gun at my face and fire, just to take my mind off things.

Suggestions welcomed. Thank you.

Sunday, September 21, 2008

Sarah Palin Pulls Down MSM’s Pants: “They have small nut-sacks!”

It’s been another brilliant week of Sarah Palin news here in the US. Her media coverage suffered a mild interruption Monday, what with the stock market on the verge of implosion, but she’s still one of the most Googled vice presidential candidates in American history. You can smoke that kind of gravitas and get high.

I can’t help myself but look back to just a few weeks ago when our media outlets scrambled for information about Alaska’s governor. Palin was a giant question mark a month ago, a potential VP absolutely no one factored into the equation. No, not even Las Vegas and they have odds on everything.

Since then the beehived, bespectacled veep nominee has gone from pistol packin', adorable Hockey Mom to political satire and subpoenas. There is Troopergate, the pregnant daughter crisis, and a husband named Todd who rides snow-machines and gets copied on her official e-mails. All of these things could be very old news had the bedeviled Mainstream Media paid attention. But they didn't.

Palin had been on Sen. John McCain’s list of running mates for months. Absolutely no one took her seriously. Not CNN, MSNBC, BBC America, PBS or even her own daughter, who was so oblivious that she went and got herself pregnant without ever thinking she might have to hide her condition behind a baby blanket on national TV. No one was prepared and, therefore, everyone deserves a swirlie from a murky bowl.

Working journalists (the kind who get paid) had about three months to figure out Palin’s question marks. The Palin issue was less important to them than Amy Winehouse in rehab. The amount of homework, legwork and muscle that went into researching Palin prior to her nomination amounted to Wiki-ing her official title and party affiliation. Oh, my arm - the weight of such an endeavor hurts me to even think about it.

These days the MSM is making up for lost time with regards to Palin, and her number is on every bathroom stall in every newsroom. I’m not sure if their motivation is the truth so much as embarrassment for sort of being caught with their fly down on Commando Day during a kindergarten graduation ceremony.

When newspapers unload staff because no one is buying their wares, and they complain that stupid people aren’t paying attention to the news, I hope they remember what they ignored. It’s spelled P-A-L-I-N. Now who’s stupid?

Beck – Loser