Friday, May 15, 2009

Free Viagra!

Are you a guy without a job? Have you lost the pep in your step because you can’t afford a Viagra pill? Welcome to your lucky day – Pfizer, Inc. is going to hand out Viagra like it’s Halloween candy to poor, disheveled impotent men.

Here’s the link, and a blurb:
Applicants will have to sign a statement that they are suffering financial hardship and provide a "pink slip" or similar employer notice. Applications will be accepted through Dec. 31, with medication provided for up to 12 months after approval — or until the person becomes insured again.

Can’t buy your date dinner first? So what! With your interesting personality and positive attitude, what could possibly go wrong besides an unplanned pregnancy, an erection that lasts longer than a day or a massive heart attack?

The wimmins won't mind!

Not to be outdone, I called Tampax and Playtex to find out of they had any plans to foster brand loyalty with the bleeding, female and unemployed demographic. Both companies had no comment.

Mojopost will not encourage women to sign up for the Viagra offer and sell it at street value, in order to buy a product that keeps their couches from looking like a crime scene. No.

Did I mention that Pfizer is giving away Lipitor, too?

Marvin Gaye – Let’s Get It On

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Thursday, May 14, 2009

The Wrath Of Wanda

The media would not hesitate to bend your poop out of shape over Swine Flu, and when a comedian makes a joke about a fat-faced loudmouth on AM radio all day they act as if John Wayne Gacy blew up Columbine.

I am referring to Wanda Sykes performance at the White House Correspondents Dinner last Saturday. She said, “Rush Limbaugh said he hopes this administration fails. I hope his kidneys fail, how about that?” I think that sounds awesome! Thanks for asking.

She went too far,” cried the bullies from their 24-hour pulpits. “Terribly inappropriate,” said the Republican torture-apologists. Oh really? Personally, I don’t think comedy can go far enough to emphasize how much dialysis Rush Limbaugh is going to need to pump all that hillbilly heroin out of his system. I hope his kidneys fail like I wish for a white Christmas every December.


Dick Cheney should be enema-boarded. It’s like water boarding, but lower. Enema-board him least 183 times, or until he finally confesses that he wants to gay marry Khalid Sheik Mohammed.

And you know what else?

If I find myself sick with cancer, I’m going to write a tell-all book before I die about John Edwards’s philandering penis. His wife is making a fortune off it – why can’t I?

“Facing life’s challenges is about courage. My husband John Edwards is absolutely ignorant about courage because of his small penis, and the way it compels him to have extra-marital affairs with ugly bags while I am having chemotherapy [cough cough].”


Congratulations to Wanda and her wife on the new twins!

The Smiths - Big Mouth Strikes Again

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Tuesday, May 12, 2009

The Haunted Bulbs

I’m waiting to find out if I have built a floral Auschwitz, a place where plants come to suffer and die. Contrast this horror against my inner optimist, the one who wants to be able to give tomatoes away because – oh look – I’ve accidentally grown too many! This balcony garden of mine is full of pathos and internal dialogue. Hieronymus Bosch should be so lucky.

I planted the impatients (hurry up!) in a box on the railing. The tomatoes plants are staked and ready for replanting into this thing (if it ever arrives in the mail), and the cucumber seeds are nestled into starter trays. If the cukes find it in their heart to grow just a little, I’m going to put them in my Topsy Turvy collection.

Of course I planted snapdragons! I love smushing the flowers in my fingers and making a “rwaaaarrr” noise. Those are in a box with something yellow and bushy at the top. No idea what it is but it looked like a fighter I want to know. The geranium is potted alone, as are the pansies, marigolds, miniature roses and cilantro. I might also have cat grass at some point in the next few weeks, but I still have no idea where to put the bastard-child lavender. I'm working on making it feel more at home.

Yes, I did plant lettuce – thanks for asking. It’s called “Gourmet Mix”. There is a special bottle of salad dressing from back home set aside for this lettuce if it chooses to apply itself. I can only encourage it. If I berate the lettuce it’s only going to act out.

Last but not least, I planted eight dwarf gladiolus bulbs in two green pots. This could be a real disaster and I can’t wait! These are some of the bulbs that were sent to my father. They arrived by mail two weeks after Dad died. He placed a $40 order for bulbs last October, because he did not have pneumonia then. The gladiolas could be red when they grow up, so I have read. It could be months before we know more.

If you happen to walk by my condo, you can see me on the fourth floor. I’m wearing cotton gloves printed with a tomato design, blown-out sweatpants and dirt. It’s probably not a good idea to come up. I smell like ass and Miracle-Grow.

When I was small and not as good at complaining as I am now, I told my father that normal people do not grow things, they buy things. He made me work on the garden anyway, and that was my fate until I became an adult with a debit card and big ideas about the produce section of a grocery store. My how things have changed.

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Monday, May 11, 2009

Happy Monday, You Big Silly

Hello, and welcome to Monday! Good morning to you-oo, good morning to you-ooo-ooo, good morning, good morning, GOOD MORNING to you-ooo-oooo (and many morrrre!).

Wish I could say more but all of this talking with my Mom stuff, balcony gardening and eating steak has wiped me out. Wherever you are, in a prison jumpsuit or a foreign country, please have a happy day!!!!