Tuesday, May 12, 2009

The Haunted Bulbs

I’m waiting to find out if I have built a floral Auschwitz, a place where plants come to suffer and die. Contrast this horror against my inner optimist, the one who wants to be able to give tomatoes away because – oh look – I’ve accidentally grown too many! This balcony garden of mine is full of pathos and internal dialogue. Hieronymus Bosch should be so lucky.

I planted the impatients (hurry up!) in a box on the railing. The tomatoes plants are staked and ready for replanting into this thing (if it ever arrives in the mail), and the cucumber seeds are nestled into starter trays. If the cukes find it in their heart to grow just a little, I’m going to put them in my Topsy Turvy collection.

Of course I planted snapdragons! I love smushing the flowers in my fingers and making a “rwaaaarrr” noise. Those are in a box with something yellow and bushy at the top. No idea what it is but it looked like a fighter I want to know. The geranium is potted alone, as are the pansies, marigolds, miniature roses and cilantro. I might also have cat grass at some point in the next few weeks, but I still have no idea where to put the bastard-child lavender. I'm working on making it feel more at home.

Yes, I did plant lettuce – thanks for asking. It’s called “Gourmet Mix”. There is a special bottle of salad dressing from back home set aside for this lettuce if it chooses to apply itself. I can only encourage it. If I berate the lettuce it’s only going to act out.

Last but not least, I planted eight dwarf gladiolus bulbs in two green pots. This could be a real disaster and I can’t wait! These are some of the bulbs that were sent to my father. They arrived by mail two weeks after Dad died. He placed a $40 order for bulbs last October, because he did not have pneumonia then. The gladiolas could be red when they grow up, so I have read. It could be months before we know more.

If you happen to walk by my condo, you can see me on the fourth floor. I’m wearing cotton gloves printed with a tomato design, blown-out sweatpants and dirt. It’s probably not a good idea to come up. I smell like ass and Miracle-Grow.

When I was small and not as good at complaining as I am now, I told my father that normal people do not grow things, they buy things. He made me work on the garden anyway, and that was my fate until I became an adult with a debit card and big ideas about the produce section of a grocery store. My how things have changed.

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Speedy said...

You're such and optimist Mojo. Let me know how those Topsy Turvy thingys wokr out. I could actually get into grown tomatomes on the patio that way!!!

Mojopo said...

Hi, Speedy -

Guess what??? The upside down tomato planter thing just arrived!!!


The Topsy Turvy's work great. One of my sister's uses them. Very easy to use - just buy some tomato plants and install 'em.

Today I'm going to plant the normal suspects. Basil, parsley, chives and the lavender!

anonytuu said...

Those tipsy swurvy things'll work just fine. Tomatoes and cucks are whores for water and they'll like the idea that every single drop will go to them (thankyou, Gravity) even if they have to stand on their heads for it. Greedy little bastards but oh so good with balsamic and basil. Basil?! Oh My God! Mojo! You forgot the basil!!!

Okay, so what about the pyschedelics? Peyote, maybe? C'mon, Mojo, give! Papa and I have already figured out that it takes more than martini juices to trundle the vortex. We wanna know what you been up to, girl!

annonytuuu said...

Oh wait. Just read your post. UP THERE^. Howdy, didn't see you there. Good. You got the basil. You will not know a minute of constipation this summer then. Bravo Miss Mo-Jo-Po!

Mojopo said...

Anony - I've been bare-backing the vortex, with the exception of a handful of Advil every day.

a.t. said...

Aha! You see there, folks?! This is why Mojo is she and we are we. Only Mojo would dare approach the gnp vortex without benefit of metaphysical condom or at least a little help from the Loa.

Mojopo said...

You know what? I've got a script for Chantix. I'm going to scramble my brains and quit smoking, once and for all.

anonnny tu said...

The only substitute for nicotine that I can wholeheartedly recommend is sex. 24 hr a day, non-stop sex for, oh, say about 24 months.

anonnnnnytuuuuu said...

Oh, and the strangest coincidence: Just last night me and Scrotch were going through some old 1950's hardbound editions of Horizon magazine that I bought en masse at a going out of business sale at a used bookstore here. And we were thumbing through them and I found an article about Pieter Bruegal's "Mad Maggie." Almost as strange as Bosch. I sent the vibe across the vortex to you and apparently you got it, yes? Send me something!

anon-y-tu said...


Mojopo said...

I totally remember that guy. The elder, right? Do you mean "Mad Meg"?


Mojopo said...

Funny about "Horizon". I lucked into a fat chunk of them at a garage sale once. I think they're still in my mother's shed, for safekeeping. When I get back there in July, I'll check.

anony tuu said...

Funny you should say Mad Meg, because one of the things in the article was how the name came about. A really misogynistic custom in the middle ages (amongst many others) to refer to a scornful woman as a "griet", from the name Margereit, or Mageret, hence Meg, Maggie, Mag. But the thing is, Bruegel didn't name it. It was an 19th century art historian who first referred to it by that name. Go figure! Medieval misogyny couldn't possibly have continued into the 19th century couldit?

Anyway, I was imagining that piece as a vision of Bush's America and was wondering why no one had dredged it up for a poster or sumptin or Photoshopped Bush's face onto it. We need people to remember to do things like that, dammit!

Minnie-sota said...

Mojo, I have this vision of all these plants growing in pots on my deck, but I never seem to carry out my plan for it. I think I need a deck garden course or something.

Well, at the least, I will be buying a nice pot of flowers. Begonias work well. I get lots of wind and more delicate flowers don't work.

PapaPig said...

Duck and I looked at the prices for the upside down stuff and went ARGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG Duck quacked so loud a mini vortex formed in the barnyard. It hit a few chickens and the cow tipped over. I was glad I was standing behind her. If Carl Edwards would fire that Afflac duck and hire mine he might do half as good as he did last year.

Oh, back on topic. Duck took a few old hanging baskets we had from redoing the local restaurant's beatification project. 4 of the old hanging baskets were still good. So we cut about a 2 inch hole in the bottom and put tomato and pepper plants. The tomatoes are doing great upside down. The pepper plants are living and putting out peppers but they do just as well in pots.

But there does seem to be something about tomatoes upside down. We bought 18 little tomato plants. 4 of them went in our home made topsy turvey converted hanging baskets. The 4 in the converted hanging baskets have bigger tomatoes.

So those broke like me, just go to the dollar store. Buy some cheap hanging baskets. Take a knife and cut a 2 inch hole in the middle of the bottom. Put small tomato plant in upside down, fill the rest with dirt. It works!

Pig Farmer :@)