Saturday, October 04, 2008

McCain Surprises Nudist Rally By Appearing Naked

SUNNY HAVEN RECREATIONAL PARK, INDIANA - In an unprecedented display of nudity by a presidential candidate, Sen. John McCain appeared at a rally here absolutely buck-naked.

Unnamed sources with McCain’s campaign said he is, “Just fed up, really, with Sarah Palin. It’s not one thing, it’s everything. The focus needs to be on his campaign, not her. We tried talk him out of this, but he’s ready to represent the nudist voters in this country.”

McCain said to the rally, “My friends, I am before you today without any clothes. As you can see, my colon is a bit worse for wear. Make no mistake - I’m not afraid to show you my colon. The Vietcong beat this colon out of me, and it’s been this way for about forty years. If I can stand forty years of this, you bet I’m ready to be your next president!”

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Friday, October 03, 2008

VP Debate: Biden Delivered; Palin Sends Shout Out To 3rd Graders

The Biden/Palin debate is done. Joe Biden won and answered questions thoughtfully, because he understood the questions. Sarah Palin gave well-rehearsed answers that usually did not match the questions.

I will not compliment Palin for doing okay and not torpedoing McCain’s campaign. To do so would be like patting a child on the back for peeing in the toilet bowl, and not the trash can.

One of the most telling parts of the evening was the fact that Palin answered far too many questions with a canned response about energy. For example:

Moderator: Governor Palin, how would you counsel John McCain about the current economic crisis?
Sarah Palin: The correct response is to drill, baby, drill.
Moderator: What should we do about Afghanistan?
Sarah Palin: I gave everyone in my state $1,000 from leftover oil revenue. I help average citizens to swim in money.
Moderator: Are humans responsible for global warming?
Sarah Palin: The answer is, “Who cares,” because we can’t be complain’ and lookin’ backwards all the time.

Palin suspended the debate for a few seconds to send a, “Shout out to the 3rd graders at Gladys Wood Elementary School in Alaska.” Unfuckingbelievable. Shout-outs to 3rd graders are performed by weathermen during the local news, not something that happens in a very important political debate!

On the other hand, Joe Biden had one of the most genuine moments in debate history. You need to see this:

Sarah Palin followed Joe’s comments by talking about how much of a maverick (a maverican?), John McCain is. I have no idea why Palin failed to offer Biden condolences or appear to have a measure of human sympathy. She was completely disconnected.

The biggest winner of the veepstakes is probably Katie Couric, who is the anchor of The CBS Evening News. Couric has revealed more about Palin than anyone. She interviewed Palin and CBS has been broadcasting new segments from that meeting over the past few days. Each installment brings a new cringe, a more terrible answer from Palin. While Palin can repeat coached answers during a debate, it’s clear she cannot think coherently on her own. Who in McCain’s campaign approved the Palin/Couric interviews? How many times a day does that person get kicked in the ass hard enough to make him (or her) fly in the air? This is McCain’s responsibility, ultimately. If the Palin/Couric interviews prove nothing else, it is that John McCain makes consistently bad decisions. The Daily Show with John Stewart says it best:

The debate transcript is here.


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Thursday, October 02, 2008

Palin Bingo!

Hey kids - here's a fun game to play during the debate. Click Palin Bingo for rules and a game card.

Also, for those who like to get their drink on, try The Official Vice Presidential Debate Drinking Game!

Have fun!

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Joe Biden Can, Because He Will

I can see you there, acting all worried and wondering if Joe Biden is going to make a jerk of himself on Thursday night. Ask yourself one question: Would Joe Biden get sick with worry when YOUR chips are down?

Hell NO! Joe Biden would loose his chips and get down with you, just to show his haters that he can get back up again. Just like that – up, down and then up, Up and UP. Eat it!

Do you think Joe Biden is some kind of moron, who can’t talk his way out of a paper bag?

Hell NO! Joe Biden is fluent in paper bags from all manufacturers and four times as smart! Oh yeah, baby, his brains are HOOGE.

Oh my God. Do you think Joe Biden is going to spend Debate Night like some kind of pansy lay-about, drinking beers and nuking popcorn? Huh, do you?

Hell NO! Joe Biden is the man who is going to defeat the no-gooder, jerkface on Thursday night. And then he’s going to take all of her beer and feed the popcorn to his dog. Because he CAN.

Do not under-estimate the power of Joe Biden. Oh sure, he will say something stupid - but I can assure you it won’t be anywhere near as stupid as Sarah Palin. That is a FACT. A FACT, I said! Joe Biden is made of Kryptonite and America, and he is going to stage a take-down worthy of Pay-Per-View.

You heard it here first. Joe Biden is going to win that effing debate, Rocky-style.

Rocky – In Training

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Wednesday, October 01, 2008

Palin Preparing For Thursday Debate, Enjoying A Quiet Nervous Breakdown

SEDONA, AZ (Mojopost) - Republican Vice Presidential candidate Sarah Palin is at Sen. John McCain's ranch in Sedona, AZ preparing for a debate on Thursday with Democratic Vice Presidential nominee Joe Biden. Mojopost has tried to confirm the cramming of information by Palin, but calls to McCain’s ranch were not returned. Palin has not been permitted to speak to the press since her unfortunate implosion last week, during an interview with CBS Evening News anchor Katie Couric. A representative of Mojopost (me) used a stand-by ticket to fly to Sedona from Chicago, in order to peek inside the windows of the ranch, eavesdrop on Palin and observe the McCain ranch culture.

According to my observations, Palin stormed outside of McCain’s ranch compound no less than four times in 10 hours. Each time Palin ran screaming from the patio doors, she was seen kicking trash cans and bumming cigarettes from the gounds-keepers (Juan Pablo and Hector). Twice I observed her praying on bended knees, and overheard her asking God to “…please send Katie Couric to hell, along with those bastardly debate coaches and their asshole ideas.”

At the eleventh-hour mark Palin walked quietly outside, crouched into a fetal position and rocked back and forth. She said, “I can do this. You betcha, I so totally can do this,” and, “no I can’t and I rilly, rilly hate this. Such bullshit!”

Palin was coached back inside the compound by an armed guard and Karl Rove. I have observed Rove partaking of cigars that smell like marijuana, commonly known as a “blunt”. On one occasion, he masturbated on an SUV and cried.

I left Sedona shortly after that incident and washed my eyeballs with a mixture of vinegar and baking soda.

PBS anchor Gwen Ifill will be the debate moderator on Thursday. Ifill broke her ankle on Monday while reading debate materials and walking down a set of stairs, prompting conspiracy theorists to wonder if Ifill had been set up like a bowling pin.

Sybil - The Movie

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Monday, September 29, 2008

Nancy The Cursing Trout!

Nancy The Cursing Trout On Sale Now!

* Built-in motion sensor detects movement to start Nancy cursing and wiggling!

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* Instant financial bailout stopper!

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Hear Nancy The Cursing Trout Say:
“The party’s over, a-holes!”
“Lindsey Graham is a lazy fag!”
“Bend over, McCain, because I’m about to f**k you up!”
“Have you got a better idea? Yeah – me too. In my crotch!”

Non-stop hilarity! Order yours today!

Sunday, September 28, 2008

McCain Rally Interrupted By Community Organizer

September 28, 11:14 AM EST

BEDFORD FALLS, NY (Mojopost) – Sen. John McCain was interrupted during a campaign rally today by Mr. George Bailey, CEO of Bailey Building & Loan Association. Bailey, locally recognized as a community organizer, philanthropist and Obama supporter, rushed the stage to address McCain.

“I helped a few people get out of your slums, Sen. McCain, and what's wrong with that? Why - here, you're all businessmen here. Doesn't it make those people better citizens? Doesn't it make them better customers? You - you said - what'd you say a minute ago? They had to wait and save their money before they even ought to think of a decent home. Wait? Wait for what? Until their children grow up and leave them?”

Bailey said, “Do you know how long it takes a working man to save five thousand dollars? Just remember this, Sen. McCain, that this rabble you're talking about - they do most of the working and paying and living and dying in this community. Well, is it too much to have them work and pay and live and die in a couple of decent rooms and a bath? Anyway, my father didn't think so. People were human beings to him. But to you - a warped, frustrated old man - they're cattle.”

Bailey was Tasered to the ground and dragged from the rally by his hair. He was arrested shortly after. Bailey’s neighbors posted bail and he was released on his own recognizance.

Sen. McCain had no comment.

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