Tuesday, June 12, 2007

Batta Batta SCHA-WING Batta Batta!

What’s up with that photo? That’s the worst picture of Wrigley Field ever taken, of course.

Why does the field look electrified? Like I said, it’s the worst picture ever. The lighting at Wrigley is great for night games, which is a contributing factor. It’s electric, boogie woogie woogie woogie.

How did I manage to get such a lousy picture? Draft beers and cell phone technology.

Is that old woman in the Cubs jacket your girlfriend? If only. As hot as she is, I’m not even close to being in her league.

Why am I showing you this? Because it was my first Cubs game, and the Cubs sent the Astros to bed, 2-1.

Why do stadium hot dogs taste better than hot dogs prepared at home? It’s a holy place, that’s why. I tried eating a Communion wafer at home once and I couldn’t even swallow it. Holy places make everything taste better.

How come Hardee’s doesn’t turn itself into a church then? God has turned His back on Hardee’s.

Did the Cubs’ pitcher adjust his nuts a lot? Carlos Zambrano, the pitcher who is also a batter, should be allowed to adjust his crotch and anyone else’s if he keeps winning games like that (he should say “please” first, followed by “thank you”).

Are the Cubs your favorite team? I favor the Toronto Blue Jays, because they were almost the home team where I grew up. However, I also claim the Cubs because they are the best losers ever; the Cubs are bona fide underdogs. They’re so gosh darn loveable when they aren’t beating the shit out of each other, too.

…but I don’t mind it as much when they beat up the opposing team…

Is Wrigley Field all that and a bag of chips? All that times ten, and there isn’t a bad seat in the joint.

Who is the best baseball player in the world? Shut up! You have to ask? Babe Ruth was the man! If he was alive, and if he took steroids like “some” baseball players do, Babe Ruth would have smacked balls into a permanent orbit.

One last question. Why is baseball called “America’s favorite pastime”? Jesus and George Washington said so, and they added it to both the Magna Carta and the U.S. Constitution.