Saturday, December 27, 2008

Weekly Poll Results - The Internet And You

You people seem to have no regard for The Bible. Last week I conducted a highly scientific Mojopoll to find out about your Internet usage. I already know that you value your on-line time above personal hygiene and family, but it turns out that you love your Interwebs more than The Bible – even though it was Christmastime! Second favorite? Chicken Nuggets. Congratulations, you bunch of zombie-pinko pagans. I hope you’re happy now!

This week’s poll is “Which social network or forum has the biggest ghetto?”

ABC News forums
Drudge Report comment section

And when I say “ghetto” I mean “illiterate fox hole” and “ill-informed moron cave”, or “the place where I will bazooka a clutch of tards”. If you have bigger ideas about even worse places on the net that make you want to punch a wall, lay it on the line. Use this time to vent, instead of plotting the demise of your enemies. Get it out – you will feel better!

Regular programming will resume after the holidays.

Your Pal,

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Wednesday, December 24, 2008

You Light Up My Manger

What do you want for Christmas? Me? Oh, thanks for asking. I’d like an electric manager set, 45 illuminated candy canes, a hydraulic Grinch and a Christmas tree that breathes plasma. And a lawn to put it on.

Merry Christmas!

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

Throw Your Shoes - By Neil Porter

Hilarity! I received a very fabulous link to a song called "Throw Your Shoes", by Neil Porter. It is in honor of the Iraqi journalist who gave his footwear and freedom to express himself, by pitching shoes at the worst US president in the history of ever - our Dubya.

Mr. Porter, you officially rock!

Click here for the song.

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Worst Take-Out Food Ever - Happiness Chinese Restaurant

As I make my way through the assortment of park-named burbs in Illinois, I’ve come across some very wrong places to purchase take-out. Happiness Chinese Restaurant (6222 Roosevelt Rd., Oak Park, IL) is one of those soul-sucking vacuums that steals upon you and extracts any cravings you might have for Chinese food in the future. In it’s wake, it leaves the lingering scent of treacherous conspiracies. I’m serious – I still can’t get the smell of their food out of my hair. I didn’t even eat there! A gentleman of Latin origin, who just so happened to have giant snot blobs in each nostril, delivered it to my condo. What did I get myself into?

I ordered egg rolls. They tasted like cabbage, pork and cinnamon toast. Someone was making empanadas in the Happiness fryer that I day, and that is a non-debatable fact. I don’t know why a Chinese place is making deep fried dough with cinnamon, but nobody wants an egg roll that tastes like the way potpourri smells. Nobody.

I moved on to my hot and sour soup. Hmmm… There’s that fried cinnamon flavor again and what else? Oh, I know. It was burnt. I got whatever was scraped out of the soup pot at the end of someone’s shift. I don’t get it - I was very pleasant on the phone and pre-paid by debit card. Serving burnt soup is worse than farting at someone.

The General Tso’s chicken and moo shoo beef were also distinctively cinnamonyish. Every time I bit into sticky broccoli tree, I couldn’t help but think of Chi-Chi’s fried ice cream. Not a sensation I’m looking for in a vegetable. Two bites of each entrĂ©e and I was out. I will have no more of this Happiness trickery in my mouth!

The worst part is, the leftovers of Happiness are still in my fridge. As a habit, I pack up leftovers for lunches. That means I have nearly-full containers of un-Happiness looking back at me whenever I fetch coffee creamer or an olive. If I touch the boxes, I might turn into what they are. The best I can do is buy a Hazmat suit when the wind chill advisory in Chicago is over, and walk the boxes to the trash chute via BBQ tongs. Pray for good weather.

Read Parky’s: Where Hot Dogs Go To Die for more bad food reviews.

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Monday, December 22, 2008

Caroline Kennedy Reveals Her Favorite Positions

Chatty exhibitionist Caroline Kennedy has unveiled her favorite positions. Kennedy revealed to Politico that she likes it gay, straight, and even through the back door (Bloomberg Style).

If Kennedy receives the appointment to be the next junior senator from New York, she will be 216 congresspersons and every living senator away from the presidency. Given the magnitude of this appointment and the whisper-thin line of succession if everyone else dies, it is no wonder that so many crab-faced sputterers from the right are FREAKING OUT about hiring That Kennedy.

First we had to read about her disgusting fetish for public service. Then we were reminded of the ways she eroticized constitutional law. Will this woman stop at nothing to sensationalize politics? The next thing you know, she’s going to start showing up underwear-less in Buffalo.

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