Mojopoll: Latest Results Now Available

Results from the previous Mojopoll results are in. As it turns out, Dianetics (by L. Ron Hubbard) is a book people have bought to poop on at different points in their lives (almost 78% percent of you). The other book you are most likely to express your anal gland on is 7 Habits of Highly Effective People. Today we learned that you are not falling for hoodoo or gurus. YAY, we love learning!



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Before we head off to the new Mojopoll, think of your favorite time of day. Set the stage in your mind and hold onto it for a moment. I’m having one of those moments myself right now because I’m sitting outside on the balcony. The people walking by on the street below sound interesting, plus I am wearing my favorite underwear. It is past midnight and there is only a small breeze. I can see planes flying to and from O’Hare and Midway, but I can’t hear them. The fat guy with a tiny dog is coming back from the gas station with his nachos, right on time. I can think when it’s like this, and I don’t mind if I do. Yes, I would love another! Thanks for asking.

Folks, I’d love to know the answer to this question: When is your favorite time of day? The poll is on your right. Feel inclined to offer the why’s and because’s in the comment section below. Be as honest as you please. The traffic here is light on Tuesdays.

Have a happy day!

Mojopoll - Results and New Poll (Books I Want To Poop On)

I asked Mojopost readers which judge they would pick for the Supreme Court if Sonia Sotomayor breaks another leg, and almost everyone chose The International Chili Society. According to you, people who can award blue ribbons to bowls of chili are just as capable of making decisions about gun control, abortion and stem cell research. And now you all understand how we roll in the US of A – on our stomachs.

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One person chose Judge Taylor in the last Mojopoll. I know because I picked that one myself. “Who the heck is Judge Taylor – is he on Court TV or UPN?” someone asked. Hmmm. Well, I guess you all lied when you said you read To Kill A Mockingbird. Now does Judge Taylor ring a bell or wasn’t he mentioned in Cliff Notes?

You remind me of fellow I knew in college. He used to stock his Ikea bookshelves with all kinds of “important books” by “noted authors” he knew nothing about, and he thought women would find his bookshelves irresistible. It all fell apart one day when a girl asked him something about Camille Paglia’s menopause book.

Oh sure, I’ve posed as a fan of a book I never read. Sometimes it speeds up a conversation with a real boor. I did it at a dinner party once, when everyone was talking about “The Celestine Prophecy”, a book I would gladly load into a cannon and blow into a convenient landfill. If any book needs to be a garbage bomb, I’d have to say that “The Celestine Prophecy” is in my Top Five. I tried to finish that book, but it made me feel like I had to cut somebody. No, I didn't look back.

Here’s your task for today. Help me remember some of the worst books ever written. I’ve suggested five books I would poop on, listed at the poll on your right. I can add other books to the list if more than five people mention the same title. Hit me up. Which books would you most like to poop on?

Mojopoll: We Should Tax Republicans

I have this little thing that I like to call Mojopoll. It is a dandy substitute for hard science, in that I get to ask readers a set of leading questions that support my own point of view on any given subject. Big fun for everyone!

Lo and behold, you read my mind about the economy last week and how to fix it. Both us agreed that we need to tax the hell out of Republicans (67%). Moral and fiscal irresponsibility should come with a fat price tag, that’s why! We could end their wars and eat ‘em with Grey Poupon (after we drill the Bush family for oil). Yes we can! Yes we can! Yes we can!

Speaking of Republicans, did you see what the GOP did last week? They erected Michael Steele to be the first black Republican Party leader. I beg your pardon, but the Democrats did that "first black leader thing" all ready (and their candidate was NOT just some black guy). Is this new Republican appointment related to the Equal Opportunity Act, because if so – I’m confused. I thought Republicans hated affirmative action. Who the hell is this Michael Steele? Supposedly, he was a black lieutenant governor from Maryland and he has appeared on cable television. Stunning. Christ, they could have saved some time if they just put John Boehner in black face make-up.

With this subject in mind, I developed a new Mojopoll. Your answers could influence the Republican Party, going forward. The poll is on the right – multiple choice, as always.

Which race, creed or color do you prefer?

Don't be a hater. It skews the results. Thanks, and have a happy Monday!

Cyrkle - Red Rubber Ball

Mojopoll: Obamanation Has Love Hangover

A recent Mojopoll indicated that residents of Obamanation are in the throes of a love hangover. If there's a cure for this, we don't want it. According to me, my readers hate war as much as they love diplomacy. It means that everyone on this page is brilliant, thoughtful and interesting. Good on you, people!

In addition to this warm plate of smarts and sensibility, readers of Mojopost are crazy for Michelle Obama. It totally explains why the entire US is glad our Mr. President had unprotected sex with his wife and made two lovely babies. You people are nothing like self-loathing, bathroom cruising Republicans. As far as I can tell, none of you would shoot your friend in the face, either. Yes, of course you can borrow my car. Anytime, pal!

This week’s Mojopoll is about the economy, because it’s going to be hard to extend the Obama honeymoon unless we can get the money thing figured out. Most couples argue about finances – Benjamins are required for a harmonious union. When the money runs tight, no one gets along.

What can we do to save the economy? The poll is on your right, and it’s a multiple-choice venture. Choose as many answers as you like. Have better ideas? List them in the comment section, below.

Mojopoll - Latest Results and New Obama Poll

Last week’s poll results are in. I asked you if you got along with your neighbors. Most of you love your neighbors so much that you would provide them with an alibi. “Oh, my neighbors are SO COOL. Dude, you have no idea!” In second place was, “Those people are the most annoying people in the world. They can’t even blow their soup without getting it in their eyes!” Well fuck them anyhow. While we’re at it, fuck your cool neighbors, too. Why don’t you all just trade wives now and get it over with? I came here to see a smackdown and all I got was kumbaya at the block party. What a rip-off!

People, I don’t think you quite understand what is going on. This is the last credible day of cynicism you can enjoy for a long, long time because it is George Dubya’s last day in office. After Monday people are going to expect a little bit of dignity from your direction now and then. Adult behavior even.


For eight years we have enjoyed feeling morally and intellectually superior to this guy. After today you can kiss that shit good-bye! The first MBA president, huh? What a stroke of anti-genius that was. I'll never get his stain out of my better angels.




It's a good thing you elected Barack Obama and his unicorn. He is smarter than us all and his kids are much better looking than yours (and more well behaved). What does this mean? We are all being taken down a peg come Tuesday, that’s what. Suck it!

It’s Inauguration Week in the US and we need to butter up our handsome Obama because he is not like Dubya at all. Obama seems to like responsibility and is immune to our bloggy condescension. Call me crazy, but I like that in a president. Without a hint of cynicism in my tone, here is a new poll - 10 Things I Like About Barack Obama As President. Check your opinions on the right. Multiple choice - select as many answers as you need to feel clean.

Mojopoll – Readers Choose Eternity, Reject Carbon Footprints

Last week, I asked my readers what I should do with their body when they die. Of the choices listed, mummification smoked cremation and organ donations by a wide margin. In fourth place was “I don’t care.” A proper burial was practically shunned and received spit instead of votes.

What does this tell us about the people who read Mojopost? Funeral directors and organ donation providers – take notes!

Packaging eternity is a tricky business. Obviously, my readers are unsatisfied with the choices they can afford, like boring tombstones and stupid urns. People who are going to die (someday) have made it clear that they wish to be preserved and put on display. An admission could be charged. People could learn things. Each display booth could be tricked-out with personal comments from the deceased, a link to their blog and their personalized iTunes play-list – think Facebook page for the dead. I would be more than happy to rent my expertise on this matter to a savvy entrepreneur.

Organ donation providers should consider marketing a combo with funeral directors. For example, people who offer their livers and eyeballs could receive a discount on an affordable method of mummification. Be creative.



This week’s poll is about your neighbors. They’re awfully curious, aren’t they? What do you think those people are up to? The poll is at the right. Multiple choice, too! Select as many answers as you like.

Mojopoll: Latest Results, More Questions Remain

According to last week’s poll, 83% of you think MySpace is SO ghetto. Every pimped-out page should come with a crash helmet and puke bags. According to Mojopollsters, the residents of MySpace look like Polish whores and pedos. Ok, maybe not all of them. Only the pages most of us have seen.

This news article, about a three-legged dog and the dead baby it dug up, has inspired our latest poll. Oh, now – come on. Hear me out before you throw your arms up in the air and make me feel bad. Yes, of course the baby part is God-awful – from start to finish this story is an X-Files episode that never was (and I also want to know how a three-legged dog learned how to dig). Anyhow, the point is that this morbid tale set off my Tangential Bobsled and I went to think. “How do you get the smell of dead baby out a dog’s mouth?” Yes, it crossed my mind.

Then BINGO. Here’s the poll:

When you die, what should I do with the body?

Click the poll, let me know. If you have a grander scheme that rivals the selections offered please list them in the comment section, below.

Weekly Poll Results - The Internet And You

You people seem to have no regard for The Bible. Last week I conducted a highly scientific Mojopoll to find out about your Internet usage. I already know that you value your on-line time above personal hygiene and family, but it turns out that you love your Interwebs more than The Bible – even though it was Christmastime! Second favorite? Chicken Nuggets. Congratulations, you bunch of zombie-pinko pagans. I hope you’re happy now!

This week’s poll is “Which social network or forum has the biggest ghetto?”

Twitter
ABC News forums
Drudge Report comment section
HuffingtonPost
MySpace
Facebook

And when I say “ghetto” I mean “illiterate fox hole” and “ill-informed moron cave”, or “the place where I will bazooka a clutch of tards”. If you have bigger ideas about even worse places on the net that make you want to punch a wall, lay it on the line. Use this time to vent, instead of plotting the demise of your enemies. Get it out – you will feel better!

Regular programming will resume after the holidays.

Your Pal,
Mojopo