Saturday, December 20, 2008
Warmth. Relief. Just passing time. Is that too much for anyone to hope for?
LAXOGASM is an oral medication that will help you experience erotic satisfaction every time you have a bowel movement.
LAXOGASM is recommended for men and women of all ages. LAXOGASM means that you don’t have to pick and choose your needs. You can have everything right now.
Patients who have been prescribed LAXOGASM may experience some of the following symptoms: Highly structured handshakes, ecstatic flatulence, an inability to hear AM radio, new genitalia, a thirst for antifreeze, a record of arrests, extra index fingers growing on your spine, blackened corneas, bright purple teeth, and dehydration. If you experience any of these side effects while you are taking LAXOGASM please contact your physician.
Call your doctor about LAXOGASM today.
Friday, December 19, 2008
Have you heard the latest rule from Shoe-Ducking President Dubya that permits the entire healthcare industry to turn their back on you? Yes they can.
From The LA Times:
The Bush administration announced its "conscience protection" rule for the healthcare industry Thursday, giving doctors, hospitals, and even receptionists and volunteers in medical experiments the right to refuse to participate in medical care they find morally objectionable…
The rule says providers -- including hospitals, clinics, universities, pharmacies and doctor's offices -- can be charged with discrimination if an employee is pressured to participate in care that is "contrary to their religious beliefs or moral convictions." Violators would lose their federal funds.
Did you catch that? This “conscience protection” rule is extended to the entire healthcare industry. Yes, it started out as a plan to block abortions and birth control. And the new rule also gives healthcare employees, from the ground up, the right to prevent patients from having antibiotics and blood transfusions.
Patients who live in under-served areas (impoverished inner cities, the rural south) and do not have a wide assortment of medical options could be denied treatment because of any number of “conscience protection” factors.
People, this new law isn’t just a magic bullet aimed at the proverbial Godless whores. It’s a nuclear device aimed at women first and the rest of humanity next. Here’s a short list of plausible scenarios to disturb your sleep:
* A pregnant woman needs an abortion in order to save her life. Halfway through the procedure, an anesthesiologist has fit of conscience and suddenly leaves the room. According to the new rule, the hospital does not even have to reassign the anesthesiologist to another department. Basically, the surgeon will have to scramble for a new anesthesiologist and cross his fingers.
* An elderly man is prescribed antibiotics for pneumonia. A pharmacy technician refuses to call the insurance company for authorization because her religion opposes this medication. No, she can’t get in trouble.
* While your infant son is having a circumcision before he comes home from the hospital, a nurse can refuse to staunch the bleeding at the very last minute if said nurse has any sort of moral objections to this procedure.
Anyone working in healthcare has the right to refuse to make your appointments, stop mopping your bloody floor and object to selling you that pretty box of ribbed condoms. “I will not give you RU-486, teenage incest rape victim. My pastor told me I’ll go to hell for that.” Or maybe a doc might refuse to treat your mother because he is not permitted to speak directly to women. The list is endless. Hippocratic Oath be damned.
Arguments against this rule should be vigorous and constant. Everyone is encouraged to call The White House and complain. Rachel Maddow has generously provided their telephone number, below.
Please call Dubya at (202) 456-1414.
Thursday, December 18, 2008
I asked Mojopost readers which kinds of jokes they prefer, because your funny bone is important to me. This week I have a firm mandate. Most of you prefer a steaming pants-load of jokes about crap above anything else in life. If there’s a howl to be enjoyed over a toilet bowl full of unmentionables, by God – you people are all over it. And that is why we are going to talk about poop.
Shit is fascinating. It’s always on time and rarely celebrated, but when it is unexpected it is the most important thing in the whole world. Further, Number Two is something we all do as humans and we can relate. We have all been there, hunkered down after coffee and reading the shampoo bottle to pass time. I love this about us, that we understand the relevance of a good dump.
This is what I know about dookie:
* Like most people, I can’t poop in a public toilet unless it is a valid emergency. If I may be candid, I prefer to save my hot cable for the home office. In those must-go circumstances in the world, I feel like a primitive beast that is dragging down evolution. Everything is louder in a bathroom stall. It makes me sad.
* Everyone farts when they need to poop. A chronic farter is just someone looking for a home office. It is true that some folks get a bit gassy because of certain foods. On the other hand, maybe they aren’t trying hard enough to take a crap. When the butt-horn sounds, I am all about a magazine and alone time.
* When I wipe away my problem area, I prefer a combination of toilet paper and moist towelettes. As a matter of fact, I think moist towelettes are a necessity. They get rid of cling-ons, smears and my cheeks are always fresh. Being fresh is important to me, as a person who owns white underwear. I’m like you – stains harsh my mellow. Moist towelettes lend confidence and reassurance is visible on laundry day.
Good luck to one and all on their BM’s today. Think of me, if you will, and remind yourself that what you are doing is good and just. Your relief is our bond. In the comment section, below, you are invited to discuss anything of fecal importance. No one will be judged. Need inspiration? Visit RateMyPoo.com, but do not arrive there on an empty stomach. Graphic indeed. Very much NOT safe for work.
FYI – check out the new poll when you have time. It’s about the Internet, and how it might be better than other things in your life. All votes are anonymous. Have at it!
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
When Chicago has a moment of downtime away from corruption and greed, we can always rely on incompetence to pass the time. For example, the city can’t afford adequate snow removal, sand or road salt. Let me explain something about this fix: It snows in Chicago like it rains in Seattle. Blaming our mayor, Richard M. Daley, for the lack of pro-active snow removal is the right thing to do.
I enjoy exciting walks to the train along the skating rink that is my sidewalk, with what feels like two Carvel ice cream cakes strapped to my feet. Abject terror first thing in the morning is one inexpensive way to burn calories, but I’ve heard it’s not very heart-smart. While I have managed to avoid knocking out my front teeth so far this season, the sound of old people breaking their hips has become a little too, shall we say, common.
Sure, the main roads are cleared. The side streets? Plows come by (on occasion) to scrape the snow off the ice, and knock as many mirrors off parked cars as humanly possible. I have a garage, but pity the fool who does not. You want license plate numbers? When the plow comes around again next year, I’ll write it down.
The upside of this mess? The potholes are filled with something for a change. Snow and ice. Neither of those things is helpful for traction, but I have not activated my airbags driving to the grocery store this month. If I had square wheels made of hammerheads, my drive-time could not possibly be worse.
President-elect Obama has said he will authorize work to rebuild our nation’s roads and bridges. Sir, we would gratefully have a wee thimble full of construction – or even just the crust of repair. Really – it wouldn’t take much to calm people the hell down. Chicagoans are a few weeks away from shoving Mayor Daley’s face into a snow bank and depantsing him in front of the Olympic Committee. I’m not saying that I would do that – certainly not. I have a snow shovel in my trunk and I feel like fighting.
I don’t know which gangster or corrupt official won’t be paid this month, but Cook County needs some plows and salt. Do not make me take my earrings off.
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
Caroline Kennedy (as in JFK’s daughter and Bobby’s niece) wants Hillary Clinton’s old job in the NY State senate. Really? So give it to her! Chop chop – times a-wastin’.
The anti-Caroline Kennedy camp is having a shit fit. “She’s never held a position in government. How do I know she’s qualified?” Most of the people making noise want Hillary’s job. But they have a point. Caroline has never held office. Not even as Dog Catcher. And so what, I ask? So what. Obama didn’t have a heck of a lot of experience, either. Guess who helped him run his campaign this year… Do you see where I’m going with this? So give her the job!
Other anti-Caroline Kennedy party poopers are bitching about her last name. “Oh great. Another Kennedy. What is it with American dynasties? Bush, Clinton, Kennedy. Christ!” If the Kennedy’s were bad at what they do (politics) this argument might sound less like cry-babyism than it does. If anyone can tell me how a Kennedy has worked against civil rights or tried to screw the working men and women in this country, stand up you liar and let me count your lying hand. These Kennedy’s of ours have spent decades trying to leave this country in better shape than when they found it. And what do the Kennedy’s get for their time? Brain tumors and assassinated. So give her the job!
Only one person can help Caroline get the job. Gov. Patterson, who became NY's governor not by election but by default (his boss, Elliot Spitzer, was caught messing around with prostitutes and had to resign). He has to appoint a senator because Hillary Clinton has a new job, and her spot isn’t up for an election until 2010. Patterson is as popular as fish flavored bundt cake, and one could easily see him picking another C-List type of person to take Hillary’s job. A really boring or annoying person he can identify with. Or he could up his net worth in the Democratic Party and pick someone with instant name recognition, who knows how to raise piles and piles of campaign funds and might actually give a shit about people. And Patterson has to think about this? What about “GIVE CAROLINE A JOB” is so hard to understand?
You bet I’m for this. I’m not saying she is entitled, but I am saying she might know a thing or two. Caroline is a mother, a lawyer, a writer, an editor, an advocate for public education and she is smart as heck. We should be so lucky to have her around for a long time.
My folks in Western NY would love, love, love to have another Sen. Kennedy. All of our parents still talk about the time JFK came to visit in the 60’s, too, and have framed photographs of him hanging by their fake fireplaces. Word! In fact, let me tell you something, Sally. One of the first songs kids in Western NY learn how to play in band class just so happens to be “Sweet Caroline”. I know – I was there. Please do not damage my sentimental feelings.
Stick around. Things are about to get interesting in the Empire State.
Neil Diamond – Sweet Caroline (duh!)
Monday, December 15, 2008
On-line groups are organizing themselves to throw things at Dubya on January 20th. On this day everyone’s favorite black Arab, President-elect Barack Hussein Chicago-Obama, will be sworn in president of the United & Humbled Mess Of Whatever. Therefore, it is common knowledge that citizens here are covertly planning new and exciting ways to throw shit at Dubya on his way out the door. I’d like to remind everyone that throwing things at any president, past or present, is illegal. And if that matters to you, we can no longer be friends.
I won’t provide links to the groups getting organized. You’re smart enough to figure that out. Why point fingers at some very hilarious, ingenious people who deserve nothing but our love. These groups will be throwing things like:
* Used diapers
* Iraqi shoes
* And so much more…
The possibilities are endless. Avoid bothering Dubya’s limo driver by all means. That guy is trying to earn a living, is all. Remember – Bush and Dubya will travel to the ceremony together. Save your arm for the after-events.
If I make it to DC on the 20th, Imma throw one of everything I can get my hands on. Yeah yeah – Obama means our nation has matured, we’re supposed to have dignity and blah blah blah. I want closure, and the kind of closure I need involves stinking handful of something wet at Dubya's face.
Good luck to all, and may your aim be true.
Sunday, December 14, 2008
Best.Day.Ever. Get that man a Pulitzer! It just happened. Dubya had to duck twice.