Friday, December 12, 2008


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Side Effects

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Thursday, December 11, 2008

The XXX Blagojevich Tapes (Safe For Work)

Ladies and gentlemen, I bring to you the XXX adult version of the Blagojevich tapes. This is a Mojopost exclusive. Here are some of the excerpts:
Blagojevich: Did you get my money?
Candidate #2: One more week, and I’ll have it all.
Blagojevich: That’s a f-----g problem. I might be more patient if you take off your shirt. I can’t hear you when you’re wearing a f-----g bra.
Candidate #2: Ahhh…I’ve been dying to take this off all day…

Wait – it gets worse!
Blagojevich: Is it true what they say about black c-cks?
Candidate #5: Totally. If I show you, can I have the senate seat?
Blagojevich: That depends. How big is it?
[zipper sound]
Blagojevich: NOT BIG ENOUGH. Get my money or no seat!
Candidate #5: Come on man! It’s cold in here! Give me two minutes, and I swear to God - it’s like an elephant’s trunk.
Blagojevich: I’ve got an idea.
[zipper sound]
Blagojevich: How’s about you make mine bigger and throw in a happy ending? You get one week.
Candidate #5: Can I use a tissue?
Blagojevich: No, but you can use your motherf-----g mouth. My turn next.

Then there’s that, that... THING with his wife on the phone:
Blagojevich: Jesus Christ. I feel sick and conflicted.
Patti: What did you have for lunch?
Blagojevich: A big, black – uh - hot dog.
Patti: Why the f—k did you eat a black hot dog? What that f—k is that? Was it burned?
Blagojevich: Wait – did you just hear that noise?
Patti: I didn’t hear jack sh-t.
Blagojevich: I wonder if that assh-le Fitzgerald is taping me?
Patti: That assh-le? Stop being paranoid. He’s too much of a f----t to be that clever.

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Tuesday, December 09, 2008

Blagojevich To Prison Bitch

Sewer-mouthed grifter and Illinois Gov. Milorad “Rod” R. Blagojevich has been ratted out to the Feds. Seventy-six pages of criminal activity later, and now we have to go out in the Chicago snow to fetch an impeachment before the store closes and our kids never forgive us. Thanks, Milo. I mean “Rod”.

B-vich has been shaking-down his political buddies for years. He’s the kind of guy who invites you to lunch, shows up late and eats your sandwich. “It was your sandwich, now it’s MY sandwich," he says between slobbery mouthfuls. He’s the co-worker who pats your wife’s behind at the office party, or the boss who makes you buy boxes of candy bars that his ugly and ill-mannered children are selling this week. Then he puts you on the spot, asking if you have a job for his crazy lunatic wife.

Yes, well – he’s moved on to bigger things. Now he’s pedaling Obama’s old senate seat in exchange for cash money and/or your eternal soul. And so the FBI arrested him first thing Tuesday morning.

--- --- ---

Blagojevich’s predecessor, former Gov. George Ryan, is currently in prison serving a lengthy sentence for being a very corrupt Colitis bag. B-vich may be able to share a cell with Inmate Ryan some time in the future. Small world, huh?

It is up to B-vich to appoint Obama’s successor in the IL senate. Right now, with the smell of hot garbage from Chicago, B-vich could appoint Jesus Christ himself and people would be ready to light torches and sharpen their pitchforks. Our state is thinking that we might need a special election, because maybe the people ought to have a choice in this matter. A civilized way of saying, “Please don’t burn my house down.” Somebody has to take the high road. Right?

Not B-vich. He was keeping funds away from Chicago’s Children’s Memorial Hospital, unless they smoothed his palm with a fat campaign contribution. I know a child who was treated there when she was five months old. She was diagnosed with cancer. Currently she is in remission and almost ten years old. Children’s Memorial means something to people I care about, and the governor was going to keep money away from kids like the one I know. Little kids with cancer. Merry fucking Christmas, sir.

Plenty of résumés are being revised as I type, just in case a few hopeful IL politicians need to run a quick campaign. The freaky part is that IL is a Republican-leaning state (go ahead, Rod, nudge them). Sure, Chicago is full-up on Prius-driving, liberal-elitist domestic terrorists, gays and biracial people. It’s the rest of the state that wants to choke our necks. I hate to be the one to say this, but Chicago might be the place where the GOP attempts to reinvent itself again. Many psychological gold stars are there for the taking, for the man or woman who stakes a claim on our President-elect’s former job.

Thanks, nimrod.

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Tuesday Earworm

Help! I'm in a phonological loop (EARWORM INFESTATION) and I can't get it out.

What song gets into your head and won't leave?

I have problems with The Burger King theme, Minnie Ripperton singing Loving You (hate) and lately, this one. "Jizzed In My Pants". How embarrassing.

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Monday, December 08, 2008

Obama’s Citizenship Challenged (By A Fleet Of Human Enemas)

The Supreme Court of the United States (SCOTUS) may decide as early as Monday if they will hear arguments challenging the citizenship of President-elect Barack Obama. A vocal group of conspiracy theorists who can best be described as “borderline personalities” and “sore losers” have spent months trying to ship Obama back to Africa, where they think he came from. So far, no luck.

Undaunted by facts or clear-headedness, the nutters have asked the SCOTUS to get involved. Common sense has been tossed into a blender because raging enema-people like the sound of grinding things.

By law, only natural born US citizens are permitted to become president. Barack Obama was born in Hawaii and has posted a file of his birth certificate on-line, but the crazy people don't believe a word of it. They think Obama is from Kenya or Indonesia, or Kendonesia. Something like that. Let’s make quick work of their claims in IM format, shall we?

HUMAN ENEMA: hawaiian officials will not confirm that obama was born in their state!!!!!!!!! :-P
THE TRUTH: Wrong. Hawaii’s health director and head of vital statistics reviewed Obama's birth certificate in the department's vault (where it is protected from your dirty hands) and vouched for its authenticated certifiedableness. No citizen has his or her original birth certificate. We all get copies. Period. Please stop calling those poor government clerks in Hawaii. You’re crowding their landlines.

HUMAN ENEMA: hey! obammy's paternal grandmother is on TAPE saying she attended his birth in KENYA. i am twisting my moustache while rotflmao at you… BWAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
THE TRUTH: A group of pinheads called We The People posted a transcript of a long-distance phone conversation that never happened, and said it was between a questioner in the US and Sarah Hussein Obama (Barack’s granny). The group says their dog ate the original taped recording, which is why they can’t cough it up for inspection. Human Enema, you are noise to me.

HUMAN ENEMA: my peeps on world of warcraft said theres a US LAW in effect as of 1961 (the year NOBAMA was born) that denied citizenship to babies from kenya, if the father was kenyan and the mother was not 19 yrs old. HA HA. goodbye unicorn-riding messiah!
THE TRUTH: Not applicable, no matter the nationalities of either parent. And again - Obama was born in Hawaii. US law provides citizenship to babies born in the US. Hawaii has vouched for Obama’s birth certificate until they were blue in the face, and please PLEASE stop bothering them.

HUMAN ENEMA: his mother gave up whatever KENYAN or US citizenship she and BABY BAMA had when she left her african baby daddy and married some INDONESIAN guy… obama is KENYAN and INDONESIAN!!!!!!!… neither of those places is America!!!!!!!!! screw u you OBAMANATION! wheeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
THE TRUTH: There is a long list of things people have to do before they can ditch their US citizenship. For example, one must be 18 years old. A stepfather’s citizenship cannot change anything, ever, and Obama never relinquished his citizenship. What about this is so hard to understand?

Human enemas are not looking for the truth. They are looking for evidence of an impossibility. It’s a quest without end - a reason for some people to wake up every morning.

The circle-jerk nature of these arguments will never go away. This non-conspiracy is the New Grassy Knoll. It’s an unmarked helicopter. It’s Bigfoot and liver-stealing Las Vegas whores getting alien implants during lunch-hour. If our SCOTUS even dignifies this buffoonery for five whole minutes, Imma fight somebody.

The document in question:

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