Friday, November 14, 2008

Birthdays Mean Our Parents Had Sex

Exactly nine months and 41 years ago, my parents had sex. If one were to count backwards by nine months, it is rather obvious that my father came home with flowers and chocolates on Valentine’s Day in 1967. And then look what happened: me. Me the last of six, and a yearly reminder that my parents are capable of sexual activity. My eyes burn.

I wish it were the last time I could accuse them of marital duties, but no. There were those odd times in the day I would be encouraged to go play, come home later for a snack to find the door locked and the shades drawn. No matter how hard I pounded on the door, even though I knew my folks were home, there was always a ten minute delay. It never seemed gross to me then, like it does now, because I thought my parents were napping.

Every year in my hometown there is a summer fair. One can visit the dime-toss, have a handful of fresh cotton candy or take a ride on a Tilt-A-Whirl. When I was a kid back in the 70’s, the world was my oyster during the fair because Dad always sent me off to enjoy life with a crisp $10 bill. One year the prices changed and that $10 got me through about an hour’s worth of fun-time. My sister Gail told me to go home and get more scratch from Pop, and off I went. “La la la, I hope I get five bucks…IhopeIhopeIhope…”

When I got home, the door was locked. So I knocked harder. All of the lights were off and I thought my parents accidentally locked the door and went to sleep, which seemed unusual to me because it was only 6:00 at night.

“DAAAAAAAAD, I need more MONEEEEEY,” I yelled. No one came. Feeling rejected and because I wanted a corn dog, I started kicking and pounding on the door. Still nothing. So I walked to the side of my parent’s house where their bedroom is. “MOOOOOOOOOOOOOM, unlock the door, please! Tell Dad I need more MONEEEEEY.”

Seconds later my father came to the door wearing nothing but pants. “How much?” he said. And he only cracked the door open. He wouldn’t let me in. I said, “I dunno. How much can I have?” Come on, I wasn’t stupid. What was I going to say? “Oh father, if I could have one dollar I’ll give fifty-cents to the church and spend the rest on prosthetic limbs for diabetics.” Not likely.

Something miraculous happened. He gave me a $50 bill. I never had my hands on one of those before. It was stunning! I said, “$50? I think you made a mistake, Dad. That’s a lot of dough!” I’ll never forget what he said next. “You can have $50 if you don’t come back until 10:00.” Deal! Thanks Pop!

I ran back to the fair and found my sister. I showed her the money and her eyes fell out and rolled around on the grass.

Years later it dawned on me what had happened that night. It’s a good thing my Pop got fixed after I was born. I would have hated being a middle child.

Timing is everything.

Bookmark and Share

Thursday, November 13, 2008

Sarah Palin’s Africa Gaffe Was A Hoax

Remember the big to-doodle about Sarah Palin and Africa? According to Fox News, MSNBC and a bazillion bloggers, Palin thought Africa was a country, not a continent. Turns out it was all a hoax. Here’s a clip from the New York Times:

It was among the juicier post-election recriminations: Fox News Channel quoted an unnamed McCain campaign figure as saying that Sarah Palin did not know that Africa was a continent.

Who would say such a thing? On Monday the answer popped up on a blog and popped out of the mouth of David Shuster, an MSNBC anchor. “Turns out it was Martin Eisenstadt, a McCain policy adviser, who has come forward today to identify himself as the source of the leaks,” Mr. Shuster said.

Trouble is, Martin Eisenstadt doesn’t exist. His blog does, but it’s a put-on. The think tank where he is a senior fellow — the Harding Institute for Freedom and Democracy — is just a Web site. The TV clips of him on YouTube are fakes.

And the claim of credit for the Africa anecdote is just the latest ruse by Eisenstadt, who turns out to be a very elaborate hoax that has been going on for months. MSNBC, which quickly corrected the mistake, has plenty of company in being taken in by an Eisenstadt hoax, including The New Republic and The Los Angeles Times.

Now a pair of obscure filmmakers say they created Martin Eisenstadt to help them pitch a TV show based on the character.

Guess what I did when I read about this? I posted it on my site. Truly, I’m sorry and I apologize. I’m not a journalist, and I have flaming pink liberal steak running down the middle of my psyche. Biased? You betcha. Any gossip about Palin tasted delicious to me during the campaign. But that doesn’t give me the right to be less diligent. Damn.

I wondered, “How different am I than the rightwing turds who called Obama a Socialist-Islamic-Domestic Terrorist-lovin’, America-hatin’ messiah, based on the lies they read on the Internet?” Apparently I, and plenty of other people, needed a reality check.

One can hope that the culprits – the obscure filmmakers – find their great idea has propelled them head first into the nearest dog park shit box receptacle. I think that’s fair.

Still, it is important for me to set the record straight. Unlike the righty fanatics, I’m willing to realize when I’ve been had and take my lumps.

On the other hand, Sarah Palin is still a giant boob.

The filmmakers in question were trying to self-promote, went full blown a-hole by claiming to deliver a scalding ouchie on the media, and then jacked-off on their own credibility by making everyone feel stupid.

Me? I’m certainly going to be skeptical about any Palin gossip I read, grudgingly, because I still believe she’s a whack job and doesn’t deserve the benefit of the doubt. Now I have to afford a second guess in my critical thinking process. For that I’m mad at myself, but madder at the amateur filmmakers. I’d be the first one to pinch their balls (with both hands) given the chance.

Again – I am sorry. FYI: From here on out, I’m going to stop hyper-linking news articles to appear factual or fair. I’m going to make shit up and post links that have nothing to do with content. I can promise good times, and this is the last time I will ever warn you to read this blog as satire. Nothing more or less.

Thank you for being out there.

Warmest Regards,

Embarrassing Toto Video - Africa

Bookmark and Share

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

Gluten-Free Daydreaming Music Of 1976 Blog

Breaker 1-9, this here's the Rubber Duck and I'm saluting 1976 today. It was a time of CB radios, afternoon liaisons and bah-chi-whacka rhythm guitars. I remember when my Pop grew a beard for the Bicentennial Celebration, too. Boy did he look stupid!

Now for some tunes...

Bee Gees - You Should Be Dancing
Whatchu doin' on ur back, Tony Manero?

Gary Wright - Dreamweaver
I believe we can reach the morning light, but we might need to ease up on the Quaaludes for a mo'. We can rest our tired souls on my satin Members Only jacket.

CW McCall - Convoy
A song that epitomizes the Git Er Done spirit. Yee-haw!

Sex Pistols - Anarchy In The UK
Remember when they landed in the US, and the evening news shit a brick? Yeah, me too.

Andrea True Connection - More, More, More
"How do you like it?" she asked. "Over easy," I said, "with sausage links." It was love at first sight.

Starland Vocal Band - Afternoon Delight
Dirty harmonizing about hotdog-and-bunning-it during lunch hour!

Bookmark and Share

Monday, November 10, 2008

Obama Spreads Wealth Like Virgin Thighs

What are you going to do with your $1,000 rebate check from Barack Obama? Haven’t you heard? According to the AM radio fat-face brain trust, President Elect Obama is going to be cutting checks to everyone who lives in the US, from Warren Buffet to your local terrorist cell. We’re in the money!

The rebate is the direct result of Fox News, Karl Rove and a giant windfall we are due for consuming so much energy. Did I say $1,000? I meant to say $10,000. Sarah Palin’s Alaska is going to cry when they see how rich we are.

Do you know how many Hickory Farms cheese baskets I can buy with $10,000? Wait, I mean $100,000 (every time I catch my breath, Gobama adds another zero to my largesse!).

Big fat money for cheese baskets and Hawaiian vacations. I don’t ever have to work again. As long as you people keep filling your gas tanks while driving around in circles all over Flaming Liarville, I’m going to get rich! Rich I say!

AM radio listeners, welcome to the land of change. Food stamps for lobster tails! Biracial babies on tap! I can’t wait to get my first embryonic stem cell facial! For free!


Bookmark and Share

Obama To Meet Dubya Today - "WTF Were You Thinking?"

President Elect Obama will meet with Dubya on Monday for a tour of the White House. This is a time-honored tradition in the US, but this is not the first time our new leader has met the worst president in the history of ever. Obama met Bush in 2006, and it didn’t exactly go very well. Below are excepts from a recent Fox News article by Bill Sammon:

“Four years ago, Obama and other newly elected members of the Senate were invited to the White House for a breakfast meeting with Bush, who pulled the young Chicagoan aside.

"Obama!" Bush exclaimed, according to Obama's account of the meeting in his second memoir, "The Audacity of Hope." "Come here and meet Laura. Laura, you remember Obama. We saw him on TV during election night. Beautiful family. And that wife of yours -- that's one impressive lady."

The two men shook hands and then, according to Obama, Bush turned to an aide, "who squirted a big dollop of hand sanitizer in the president's hand."

Bush then offered some to Obama, who recalled: "Not wanting to seem unhygienic, I took a squirt."

The president then led Obama off to one side of the room, where Bush said: "I hope you don't mind me giving you a piece of advice."

"Not at all, Mr. President," Obama told the commander-in-chief.

"You've got a bright future," Bush said presciently. "Very bright. But I've been in this town awhile and, let me tell you, it can be tough. When you get a lot of attention like you've been getting, people start gunnin' for ya. And it won't necessarily just be coming from my side, you understand. From yours, too. Everybody'll be waiting for you to slip, know what I mean? So watch yourself."


Obama laughed and even "put my arm around his shoulder as we talked," he recalled, although he added the gesture "might have made many of my friends, not to mention the Secret Service agents in the room, more than a little uneasy."

Despite this display of bonhomie, Obama said the president's demeanor turned downright frightening when he laid out his agenda to the freshly minted lawmakers.

"Suddenly it felt as if somebody in a back room had flipped a switch," Obama wrote. "The president's eyes became fixed; his voice took on the agitated, rapid tone of someone neither accustomed to nor welcoming interruption; his easy affability was replaced by an almost messianic certainty. As I watched my mostly Republican Senate colleagues hang on his every word, I was reminded of the dangerous isolation that power can bring, and appreciated the Founders' wisdom in designating a system to keep power in check."

When I quoted from this passage to Bush during an Oval Office interview, the president seemed irritated to learn he had been taken to task by the senator he once counseled.

I thought I was actually showing some kindness," Bush said indignantly. "And out of that he came with this belief?"

The president added with a bit of a scowl: "He doesn't know me very well."

Hand sanitizer? I never pegged Dubya as a clean freak. Is this some kind of Howard Hughes tick? Does Dubya collect jars of his pee, too?

Bookmark and Share

Sunday, November 09, 2008

Republicans Blame Palin, Crap Themselves At The Same Time

I love my new life in the United States of Happy Kool-Aid Change. The best part is watching the Sybil-rific nervous breakdowns occurring within the Republican Party. Have you ever wondered how hungry sharks would react in a circle-jerk? Me neither, but now I know. Just open up a newspaper or browser, friends, and see for yourself. Here are the highlights:

* McCain’s advisors are blaming Sarah Palin for everything. Never mind that those same advisors were responsible for vetting Palin properly, or how they assured us all that Gov. Palin was more than able to lead this nation if anything happened to Grampy (God forbid). They can’t deny it – ample evidence is lathered all over YouTube of prayerful, pro-Palin comments from McCain’s inner circle. None of that matters now. No, it’s all her fault Grampy lost the election and they’ve even sent lawyers to Alaska to repossess her ill-gotten gains (horribly expensive clothes, underwear for Todd, etc.). The new face of the Republican Party is Sarah Palin, who they will turn into a rogue indie and then fall back in love with her come 2012. You watch. I’m psychic about this stuff.

* Former Democrat, Sen. Joe Lieberman, campaigned for McCain this year. Joe and Grampy go way back, so Joe turned-coated his entire career right into the pooper by not only campaigning for McCain, but he also talked smack about Obama. Democrats are deciding what to do Joe right now, and it’s not going to be pretty. Joe Lieberman is so screwed and the only senator who will eat lunch with him is Grampy, who has been invisible since Obama won the election. Ha ha!

* George Bush has been crying all over my TV set this week. He is so, so sad about leaving his big White House and offered warm regards to Barack Hussein Obama. With all due respect to folks who wish to cut him some slack for appearing human, don’t be fooled again. He’s playing you like a game of Free Cell and he’s very good at appearing human while squelching human rights, starting wars and appointing incompetent boobs to oversee devastating natural disasters (cue up City of New Orleans and think).

I am pleased to announce that Republicans are absolutely fucked for at least four years, and Democratic lawyers are already sorting out the hundreds of bullshit executive orders Bush presided over. Buddy, you haven’t seen the half of it yet. You wait.

Lastly, word to the crackers who think Obama won because of race: I understand that your party is used to lying it’s face off, but this particular myth has no wings. If that were true, you would have been answering to President Al Sharpton a long time ago. BWAHAHAHAHAHA!

The Eagles – Lying Eyes

Bookmark and Share