Here is a video that will make your face sloppy in less than three minutes. Guaranteed. You big ball of smush, you.
Friday, November 28, 2008
Wednesday, November 26, 2008
Happy Thanksgiving Day, US! Once upon a time, before influenza and super-Bingo on the reservation, there was popcorn, goodwill and peace. To this day, a big meal with good company never goes out of style.
I'm off for a few days of non-typing, to make a turkey and eat it with my nearest and dearest.
If anyone out there is wondering what to do with giblets and turkey necks, which are conveniently stored in a plastic baggie up the turkey's rear, here is a great recipe for Turkey Patè. Oh ho! I've tried it and yes, it is amazing. You can do it! You can do anything. From the New York Times, by Molly O-Neill:
Turkey Giblet Pate
Giblets (neck, gizzard, heart, and liver) from 1 large turkey
2 tablespoons vegetable oil
1/2 onion, finely chopped
1 stalk celery, finely chopped
1 large egg, lightly beaten
1/4 cup mayonnaise
1 teaspoon salt or to taste
1/4 teaspoon ground black pepper
4 drops of Tabasco
Chopped parsley for garnish
Toast points for serving.
1. Remove any meat from the neck. Use a meat grinder to grind the neck meat and the rest of the giblets, or chop them very finely with a sharp knife. Set aside.
2. Place the oil in a medium skillet set over medium heat and cook the onion and celery, stirring, until soft. Add the minced meat and continue to cook until the meat is cooked through and lightly browned. Remove from the heat. Immediately make a well in the center of the pan and add the egg, stirring it quickly into the mixture. Add the mayonnaise to the pan and mix thoroughly. Stir in the salt, pepper and Tabasco, garnish with parsley and serve with toast points.
Thank you for reading. I appreciate your company.
Which would you rather – a raging herpes infection or Hugo Chavez as president? Each carries a life sentence with no known cure. As a confirmed pinko liberal, I feel that it is my duty to be honest. When I say that Venezuela's president, Ooogo, is a incompetent butthorn, I really mean it. And how.
Think I’m kidding? That’s all right. Be your own judge and check out this enlightening PBS program, The Hugo Chavez Show.
Ooogo loves TV. He goes on TV for hours at a time to fanny-smack his underlings and rant like a paranoid cokehead. I hate cokeheads. They never shut up.
Under Ooogo, VZ has one of the highest crimes rates in the Americas. If you’re looking to be murdered, relived of your jewelry or to enjoy an afternoon carjacking, perhaps you should consider visiting Caracas? Don’t forget your flak jacket and armored vehicle, kids!
People in VZ cannot eat petroleum, so they enjoy frequent food shortages. During their downtime, Venezuelans dodge kidnappers. A corrupt bureaucracy is in place for entertainment purposes. My, how exciting!
Is it going to take another lungful of tear gas to change things?
I’m in the US. We finally managed to dump our Dubya to elect Barack Obama. God knows we have some lazy, uninvolved people in this country. If we can get a decent leader, considering our average IQ, surely VZ can get their act together, too? A girl can dream. Good luck, Venezuelans. I’m on your side.
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
It’s all bloggy now. I can’t even wrap fish with the new Chicago Tribune because of all the gross colored ink. If I wanted USA Today-style graphic charts and a rip-off of The Daily Beast, I’d write it myself. Worse, navigating this new Trib is like smacking at a piñata without the benefit of arms. Where did my newspaper go? I can't reach it!
Sam Zell (Tribune Owner/Grave Dancer) must think we are the stupidest rubes in the whole world. He can continue riding his motorcycle to work everyday and park it in his rear for all I care. Zell is a complete anus, so I’m sure he can easily fit a Harley up in there.
One day I was enjoying credible journalism printed on real paper. The next day, my news was printed on a whisper-thin suggestion of paper, and it looks like tabloid-ish puke. The new Trib is loud, too, like a pair of fingerpainted clown shoes. I’m supposed to have my coffee over that? What a great idea. I think I’ll try trepanning with a jackhammer during lunch hour, too.
Fewer people buy newspapers these days, so the papers are trying to be more competitive by designing themselves to look like on-line news sources and blogs. The end result for news, in most cases, is something that should be set on fire while simultaneously flushing it down the toilet. It’s not like this stuff would clog the pipes or anything. It’s too thin to cause any damage.
The new Trib is the broth of a newspaper – a sodium-packed bouillon cube that causes hypertension. It is bad for you. Sure, it looks pretty and it’s packaged well. You know what else comes wrapped in a fun package? Cancer. Cancer arrives in exciting cigarette cartons, or it is marketed as a colorful sugar substitute. While the new Trib certainly makes a visual statement, I am utterly convinced that it’s going to kill us.
Zell – this is what I want: if you can’t print this blog of yours on decent paper, at least print it on feminine napkins. I might find that useful. Ease up on the colored ink, please. I’m sensitive down there.
God, please send a wave of locusts to the Chicago Tribune. Amen.
Monday, November 24, 2008
Hello, Pilgrims. On Thursday, Thanksgiving Day in the US, this Costco Butterball turkey – more than 11 lbs. at a cost of $11.63 - will defy human perception and evolve to the next level of deliciousness. There is no looking back from here. Arise ye sticks of butter, fruits, vegetables, wine and savory herbs – behold the turkey of your tomorrow!
Today’s blog is about our world post-Turkey Day. What to do with leftovers? Oh, we are so lucky! We are five steps ahead because I have a PhD in leftovers, with an emphasis on holiday fare.
Turkey Crisps are a brilliant invention – part salvation, part sin. All you have to do is grab an oven pan, some foil and broil strips of leftover turkey skin in olive oil, salt to taste and a dash of black pepper. Brown the strips into crispy things, like they’re tanning in Florida with their girlfriend (her name is Bacon). Be thorough. Remember to turn the strips as they broil, to make sure they’re cooked evenly. Start the oven at 425 degrees and take your time. Word to the wise - if you burn the crisps, you will never be complete as a person. Fat and sodium content? I’m sorry, but I don’t bow to any dieting clubs and so I have no idea what you’re talking about. Turkey Crisps are great as a snack or on sandwiches. Mmmmm. Love.
My favorite post-Turkey Day guilty pleasure is a breakfast sandwich. I toast cheap white bread, paint it with ketchup and throw some nuked turkey chunks on top. Press the slices of bread together, slice and serve. Genius. My sister, Rose, taught me this one. I was 5 and I never forgot. Sometimes I throw a few Turkey Crisps on this bad boy. I need to make sure that I have enough trans-fat in my backbone to finish plowing the back 40.
Want to know the meaning the life? Try a French bread sandwich with cranberry relish, roasted turkey, lettuce and Brie.
If you aspire to reach a higher plane of soul-knowledge have this for lunch: Sandwich bread, mayonnaise, a splash of brown mustard, turkey, Turkey Crisps, fresh sliced tomatoes, and lettuce (with more mayo on top, plus salt and pepper). Stack the sandwich as prescribed. Cheese is optional. Cheddar works. Extra sharp.
If ever you need to make your sandwich moist soak a slice of bread in warmed, leftover gravy and place it in the middle of your sandwich. This is the stealthiest, oldest trick in the book. It’s sloppy all right. Better get a hand-towel and tuck it under your neck.
Lord, please don’t take me before I eat one more of these sandwiches!
If you have any questions or need Thanksgiving Day ideas, you can reach me at email@example.com. If I can help, I will.