Friday, May 22, 2009

Dick Cheney's Tell-Tale Heart

I will discourage wagering among the ghouls, but I’m telling you that Dick Cheney looks like he’s about to croak. Have you seen his pressers lately? Between sentences he is laboring for breath and interrupting himself to partake of coughing jags. This world tour of his to promote waterboarding isn’t about national security – this is about Dick doing damage control immediately, to keep Dubya from blaming him for everything when he’s dead.

David Letterman seems to be thinking the same thing. Here’s a clip of Dave riffing on Dick’s labored breathing.

Ok, but in all seriousness? I listened to about nine minutes of his speech on May 21st. Between every sentence Dick is reaching hard for air. Clearing his throat. Coughing now and then. I thought about his health history and his notoriously bad heart.

Dick has been very outspoken against the Obama administration in the past few months. It used to be that members of a former presidential administration reserved their criticism of new presidents in books published a few years after leaving office. Not Dick – he has been extremely visible on news programs, to the point of becoming redundant.

In all of Dick appearances of late, he has sneeringly defended his point of view on torture and warns us about unknown, invisible evildoers, while implying that Obama isn’t man enough to handle them. Dick’s daughter, Liz, has jumped into the fray, accusing Pres. Obama of siding with terrorists. These commentaries have had a sense of urgency about them, mixed with righteous indignation.

When I hear Dick speak, I wonder how he would sound if he replaced the words “terrorist” and “enemies” with “heart disease” and “respiratory failure”. Is Dick’s struggle against terrorism and defense of torture symbolic of his failing health and the lengths he will go to for more time? I think so. I know what a man sounds like when his pulmonary system has betrayed him. I lost my father to COPD a few months ago, and perhaps I am reading too much into things. My Dad wanted more life and every detail seemed urgent to him. Sometimes he was arrogant about it. Time will tell if I am right or wrong about Dick, but he is certainly behaving like a man at the end of his world.

This is the last paragraph, where I should sew up the hem and offer goodwill to the Cheney family as a woman who had a very sick father, too, but I won’t. The only thing I can offer to the Cheney’s in the way of advice is to step away from the heat when the former Bush administration (and the Republican party) burns their father’s legacy in effigy to save their own hide. You ain’t seen the meaning the meaning of the word ugly yet.

U2 – Until The End Of The World

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Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Redneck News

I have no idea how to explain this video. Mature language warning (NSFW!).

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Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Blackhawks v. Red Wings and Why You Should Care

Booga booga booga. This is the sound we make when the opposing team is dangerously close to scoring a goal. Say it all together, fast. “Boogaboogabooga.” What you are hearing is the sound of ancient voodoo incantations. It’s hockey night in Chicago and I’ve got a Zamboni full of boogas to help our Blackhawks triumph against the Detroit Red Wings.

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Here’s the situ: The Detroit Red Wings, a hockey team comprised of communist-jihadists, need to go down in smoking flames. Nothing personal, but those old-ish men with few teeth have been rubbing their nether regions on the coveted Stanley Cup and leaving a stain! It is time to stage an intervention with their case worker. Further, the local currency in Detroit is sopping with bailout sweat-money stolen from downtrodden working men and women. Have they no decency?

The Chicago Blackhawks are a young, earnest team that never got a favor from anyone. They went to bed hungry plenty of times, but they refused to give up and go back to Thunder Bay. These skillful, well-mannered Canadian kids are doing everything in their power to make Chicago’s United States a better place for hockey and humanity. We should encourage them at every opportunity. If the Blackhawks fail, America fails, too.

If you cannot booga with me at least give us the chance to find common ground. Ask yourself this: Do you love a comeback story or not?

We have the power to booga. Pick the booga.

Robert Johnson - Sweet Home Chicago

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Monday, May 18, 2009

Ruby's 75th

My mother said she didn’t want anyone to make a fuss about her 75th birthday. Dad died two months ago and she isn’t ready to get her party on, as I am sure you can understand. But I am telling everyone I know about her birthday because I want to celebrate her life, especially now. Mom has no computer and she is very skeptical about this Internet thing, but if you post her a message I’m going to make sure it gets printed and hand delivered to her door.

Many of you reading this blog have never met my Mom. Such a shame! She would make you a pie if you asked her to, and everyone should know at least one really good pie maker. Friends, family, people she just met – it doesn’t matter - Mom loves to make pies for anyone who can eat them. Giving things away is one of the most funnest things a person can do. That's why I write almost every day.

You should know that my mother prefers to make quilts more than pies. She finds a design that she likes and asks me to draw it as a pattern on a piece of cardboard scrounged from a shoe box. Then she goes buck-wild with a sewing needle and scissors during Entertainment Tonight. Her quilts are brilliant pieces of work, and not for sale. You need to be loved by her to get a quilt. Mom likes almost everybody, but she loves only a few.

Happy 75th birthday, Ma, from the last of six.

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Sunday, May 17, 2009

Rachel Alexandra Runs Like A Girl: Preakness 2009

Ladies and gentlemen, it was a fine day to run like a girl at the Preakness Stakes on Saturday. Rachel Alexandra, a filly, made quick work for a day’s pay and landed in first place.

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Rachel Alexandra started in the #13 position this Preakness, a spot where no other horse has managed win, and it’s been 85 years since a woman showed 'em how it’s done in Maryland.

NBC sportscaster Bob Costas spoke with Rachel’s jockey, Calvin Borel. “Have you ever had to ask her for all she’s got?” Costas asked. “No sah. It’d be scary,” said the bobble-eyed Cajun. “She’s a freak.”

Calvin Borel must like it freaky because he ditched riding Mine That Bird, the horse he rode to win in the 2009 Kentucky Derby, for Rachel Alexandra. His choice was flat-out unprecedented and oh-so gossip worthy in horse racing news this past week. More than one person has screwed up their face and made cuckoo noises when Calvin’s name was mentioned, and every one of them wore Rachel’s dirt at the finish. This filly has exclamation points in her blood! The boys chased Rachel’s tail from one side of the track to the other, but Daddy Calvin would have none of it. His girl is going to get married in a white dress, and that is that.

Rachel’s owner is a bazillionaire named Jess Jackson, of Kendall-Jackson wine fame. Mr. Jackson carries himself like a storybook bazillionaire racing fan, in that he actually gives a good goddamn about horses and people. This win could not happen to a nicer guy, so I have been told. I believe it. A fellow who would dare to run a filly with the big boys in a race like this must believe in something better than money and the ways of men.

Rachel Alexandra –2009 Preakness Stakes

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