Friday, May 29, 2009

Neighbors and Potential Felons In Chicago

Statewide corruption in Chicago is the glue that holds our city together. For instance, another alderman was indicted for corruption on Thursday. Republicans and Democrats alike can enjoy talking about this together. As a people, Chicagoans can connect to each other by sharing our outrage and embarrassment every time another pol gets popped. It doesn’t matter what color you are, if you believe in God or not, or where anyone went to school. For as long as we have potential felons in power, everyone in Chicago is a good neighbor.

I don’t know if Illinois is number one in corruption. It probably is not because someone got paid to fix the statistics. No, really.

Chicago has some former governors who left office in disgrace. There are lines out the door full of indicted alderman. We have a senator that was appointed to the job by one of the bastardly governors – the one with helmet hair. We have everything anyone could want, if you partake of schadenfreude.

Nepotism schmepotism. Monarchy schmonarchy! We have a city council president who literally inherited the job after the predecessor, his father, died. The mayor is the son of a former mayor, and the attorney general is the daughter of the Speaker of the Illinois House of Representatives. If you are related to anyone in government in IL and you operate on a cash-only basis, you probably work at our capital in Springfield already. Now that you know this, the state of IL would kindly ask other states in the union to stop blaming the voters. Thank you much.

My dear Chicago neighbors, I worry for us. What will become of our relationship if we can ever get the smallest whisper of a reform bill passed? Will you still talk to me from your balcony, when all we have left in common is the weather? It’s not like those people in government will acquire a moral compass in our lifetimes, but I wonder.

"Bueller, Bueller" (of the Chicago Bueller’s)

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Thursday, May 28, 2009

Bush-Gore Lawyers Want Gay Marriage

Sparks were flying when Ted Olson and David Boies met in Florida, back in 2000. Ted was the lead attorney for George Bush and David was the top legal strategist for Al Gore. In a bid to retrieve their souls from the Devil for their part in that nightmare, Ted and David have activated their Wonder Twin powers to fight for marriage equality in the US.

“We are two lawyers from opposite ends of the political spectrum who have come together to support one of the most important issues of our time," Olson told reporters. "This is not about liberal or conservative, Democrat or Republican. We're here in part to symbolize that," he added.
Ted freakin’ Olson, the guy who swung it over the fence for Dubya, also said:
"We're going to court because people shouldn't have to surrender their fundamental rights to a popular plebiscite. People should not have to beg to be treated equally or wait for decades for popular approval to be treated equally."
Ted and David are going federal with the gay marriage debate. Forget that silly state-by-state nonsense – these guys are blue skying the big picture all the way to DC. Break out your Constitutional amendments and good books, children, and don’t forget to set the DVR. Just in time for Pride season, too. Love. It.

Bravo, gentlemen!

Somewhere Over The Rainbow

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Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Sonia Sotomayor For SCOTUS

Sonia Sotomayor is bringing sexy back to the Supreme Court of The United States. SCOTUS nominee Sonia From The Block has dusted J-Lo in the battle for The Most Important Latina From The Bronx Ever. Viva Boricua!

In her speech with Pres. Obama yesterday Sotomayor thanked her mother, which is the most efficient path between two points (Latin Americans and Southern people). In the US, being a mother-lover goes a long way. It’s true! Even the cable newsies cut out most of Sotomayor’s presser for their sound bites, as if to bring us a modern day pieta via the 1/9 train from Netherland Ave. and 5,000th St.

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Tone deaf Republicans, eyes watering with the scent of bullshit and painted flat white, are working overtime to cast Sotomayor as an angry maid who used Affirmative Action to steal jobs away from conservative judges. Absolutely no one was surprised by their latest effort to shoot themselves in the face on a national stage. I think they’re just jealous because they didn’t find Sotomayor and her mother first. In a parallel universe the Repubs could have had her at hola, because Sotomayor is no liberal. Not now anyway.

It’s hard to tell with these SCOTUS judges. One minute they are Bush-approved conservatives, like David Souter, and the next minute they’re up Ruth Bader Ginsburg’s robe, smoking pot and eating Tofutti. As far as I can tell Sotomayor goes both ways, but that still makes her a lib by default. If her mother doesn’t care, why should you?

Don't forget to vote for your favorite alternative SCOTUS judges, on the right!

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Tuesday, May 26, 2009


Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you! You came from a monkey, and you smell like one too! You can call her Ida, if you're nasty.


“UN Blasts North Korea”
Lil Kim Jong-il busted nuclear caps underground and now the diplomats are going buck-wild cray-zay. But they did NOT nuke him back!

“There was an EARTHQUAKE near Niagara Falls! I was in my garden when it happened but I did not feel a thing. I wish I did. It sounds exciting.”

“Oh! You must read ‘Dear Husband’ by Joyce Carol Oates.” The essays have open endings, she said, and it will keep you awake for hours.

I broke my rear bowling. At some point between stepping forward and letting go of the 50 lb. mass in my hand, a tragic, gripping pain occurred in the vicinity of my left butt cheek (go large!). Tuesday’s checklist: Find someone to fix my ass!

“Capt. Bob Cinelli sends word that there has been some very good fishing in 60 to 250 feet of water out in front of Olcott Beach from the surface down to 130 feet down using a variety of techniques. Spoons or Spin Doctors and flies are the way to go.”

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