Saturday, May 02, 2009

Kentucky Derby 135

Dear Sally:

Today is going to be my first Kentucky Derby without my father. When the race is over, I won’t have anyone to call who can spit and cuss like my father used to. Please call me today and swear as if your life depended on it. If you can fake an elderly man’s voice with a North Carolina accent, I would be touched.

I send my best to the Kentucky Derby favorite, I Want Revenge. The name is an awful lot of Karma to put on one animal, but he’s built for speed and those Bloomberg people love him. (UPDATE 11:00 AM - Revenge has been scratched! Karma, baby, karma...)
  • Mojopo's Derby Pick: General Quarters - Hands down, General Quarters is my sentimental favorite. His owner and groomer is Tom McCarthy, a really old guy who has one horse in the whole world. Tom has never been to Churchill Downs before.
  • Look For: Dunkirk - This Dunkirk kid is gorgeous! His jockey is Edgar Prado, the man who took Barbaro has far as he could go. Prado knows a thing or two about the other side of winning. Dunkirk is in good hands.
  • Hat Tip To: Hold Me Back - Jockey Kent Desormeaux pulled up the reigns on Big Brown during the Belmont Stakes in 2008, to keep Brownie from injuring himself. The guy who held Big Brown back is running a horse named Hold Me Back? Get out! I love it.
  • Don’t Forget: Friesian Fire - Friesian Fire has had weeks to think about his last race. He’s either coiled up like an industrial spring and ready to blast, or he’s thinking about the girl he left in the pasture.

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Review: Dino’s Pizzeria Is From Hell

For the first time in my whole life I've had to throw away a pizza. I still can't explain it (maybe you can) but Dino’s pizza crust had MOLD. OMFG!

I noticed that something tasted funny about the pizza I ordered, so I took a closer look at the crust and there it was - raw penicillin! Do they pre-bake their crusts and store them in a wet cave? If you're curious to know, mold on pizza tastes like soap and gasoline. Swear to God.

I ordered garden salads with the pizza. The salads were gritty, and after I took a bite of the pizza it seemed wise to take a closer look at the lettuce. Guess what I found? SAND and FLIES, as far as the eyes could see! FLIES! There were more insects in the salads than croutons! If the chef considered those salads washed, I’d hate to see his fingernails. I should have ordered a farted-on booger pizza from Domino’s and called it a night, but NOoooOOO!

Dino, if you are reading this I am telling you right now that I am the one who ratted you out on Google, Yelp, Menuism and Metromix. I hope a Dutch motorcade runs you over.

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Friday, May 01, 2009

Souter Buzz

Supreme Court Justice David Souter is retiring. Find out what his neighbors are saying.

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Eric Schulman: Dave’s retiring? Oh wow, I’m so happy for him. We started working together around the same time. When he lived on Elmwood I was living on Peachtree, so we used to carpool. He was thinking about quitting when the Gore v. Bush thing came up, because we both knew Bush was a retarded moron. But I told him to hang in there. Why would you dump your pension for Bush? That’s crazy talk.

Kaneasha de Palo: Oh my Lord – is he OK? I just saw him last week at the Town Hall. He was paying his water bill. I thought he looked fine! I don’t think he has any kids to look out for him, either. David never got married. Some people in the neighborhood talk about that, but I never paid attention. His lawn was always so pleasant to look at, you know? And he’s very well groomed. Naturally, people made assumptions. Not me. I think he’s a very nice man and I hope he enjoys his retirement.

Pat Corker: You know what this means, right? President Muslim is going to hit the Hopium pipe and pick a new judge. I can see the ad on Craigslist now. “Wanted: Trans-gendered abortionist with a law degree to clean out my unicorn’s stable.” This country is going to hell.

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Thursday, April 30, 2009

Swine Flu FAQ

What is Swine Flu?

Swine Flu is a pandemic that has infected cable news programs. You might be next.

What happens if I try not to think about Swine Flu?
Your brain will think about it every half second in presentation format (including graphics, pie charts, general statistics and a motivational message at the end).

What are the symptoms?

First, Sanjay Gupta will report LIVE from Mexico, sporting bugged out eyes and thin film of sweat. Next thing you know, you’re going to wonder if your seasonal allergies are a clever disguise for a sinister pig virus.

How many times can one person contract Swine Flu?

If you’re looking for a topical excuse to get out of work, I strongly recommend that you exercise the Swine Flu option one time only. However, if you actually get sick from Swine Flu later on you are going to look like the biggest lie-bag in the whole world.

Self-indulgent societies are being held hostage by a swine-to-human virus. Should I meditate on irony or gluttony?
Alanis, if I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a thousand times! It’s a PARADOX!

Alanis Morissette – Ironic (multiple personality disorder version)

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Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Black Woman Struggles To Make Ends Meet

Like many Americans, First Lady Michelle Obama has taken on extra responsibilities to help her family. When her almost-bankrupted employer, the United States of America, was forced to downsize Mrs. Obama’s position was nearly outsourced to a corporation based in China. Rather than watch another American job go overseas, President Barack Obama has found a way to keep his wife in D.C. while maximizing her functionality.

In the past, first ladies were utilized as a social networking application. They were expected to:
Michelle Obama will continue to provide those resources, but her role as expanded to include lawn maintenance.

Mrs. Obama will also serve as the First Lunch Lady at the White House cafeteria.

Additionally, Mrs. Obama will provide pooper-scooping services to the First Dog, Bo Obama.

In a show of support, French First Lady Carla Bruni has taken on the job of receptionist at Elysée Palace in Paris.

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Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Jitterbug In Olcott Beach

For the first time in the history of ever Mojopost is featuring a guest blog by Jane Craptable, a 13 year-old pancake magnate and writer from Olcott Beach, NY. Business minded readers may be more familiar with Jane’s accomplishments as CEO of Dee Dah Dee De Dee Pancakes! (sing the name out loud, it’s more fun that way). Congratulations, Jane, for making it through my extensive vetting process. Welcome!

Jane would like to introduce you to her neighbors. SPOILER ALERT: Jitterbug IS his real name.

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As you may or may not know, I am Mojopo’s niece from the ever so famous Olcott Beach. Aunt Mojo sent me a blog idea and I was thrilled! She wanted me to explain to you what kind of folks we have up here.

First of all, there is a man in Olcott Beach named Jitterbug. He has been alive longer then anyone else I know. The only thing keeping him alive is the toxic Olcott fish he eats, and all the alcohol he drinks.

Jitterbug is African American. Whenever I whine about school he starts up with the "back in the day I wasn't allowed to go to school cuz I'm black" thing. I wonder if he hates some white people.

Do you want to know what Jitterbug looks like? He's about 6'5” but he's all hunched over with a cane. His face is fun because it always looks like he’s saying “ya know?” and talks like he's drunk, even when he is sober.

Jitterbug loves to hand out money. One time I hurt my arm and he handed me his wallet saying "You’re gonna have to pay the hospital bills!" Of course I did not take his money! You wanna know where Jitterbug is right now? In the hospital bleeding out of his anus from his drinking! He's gonna need surgery before he’s all right. I hope he remembered his wallet.

Next, I better tell you about some other crazy neighbors we have. Like Scooter Kid! The Scooter Kid is about 20 and he rides this scooter all the time – even to get his mail or when he delivers pizza! It drives the entire neighborhood nuts! He built that piece of trash himself and now he is in love with it.

Something else you should know is that the local school has just fired another pedo. Yup, just this week we had a teacher charged with "sexting", 2 or 3 counts of 3rd degree sexual abuse and stuff. Do I need to carry pepper spray to school now?

Olcott Beach has all kinds of people - gossips, old ladies and we even have couples that get drunk and break windows. There is a woman down the street who picks through our garbage, too. A few months back, a little boy tried to steal a gold fish out of the pond in our front yard. My mother told him she was going to call the police. I think she scared the pee out of him! Where do I fit into this place? I fit because I am weird, too, and I like that very much.

I bet I convinced everyone reading this to take a trip to Olcott Beach! I am sure they would have some fun! Jitterbug might be out of the hospital by then.

Ok, love you! Bye! xoxoxoxox

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Monday, April 27, 2009

The Back Forty Of My Youth

When I was a child growing up in Darfur, my parents forced me to labor in their fields. Every morning Mom packed me a can of tears for lunch before I left to plow the back forty. When she forgot my can opener, I was forced to eat my right leg for nourishment. If I returned for dinner late, or if the oxen had eaten the sacks of weevils I collected for our meal, I was made to sleep on a pile of bones that belonged to the children who came before me. I learned at a young age that gardens were the playgrounds of sadists.

“Why can’t I just spend the summer watching Luke and Laura like NORMAL kids?” I cried. “Has God forsaken me?” While YOU spent the summer by the pool or sailing with your family (I said I’m not bitter), I was not allowed to join you until the overlords were satisfied with my work on their flower beds and infinite rows of vegetables. I’m sorry if I was too tired to play Duck Duck Goose, my friends. My tiny back was broken by 3:00 every summer day, but they never broke my will. That’s how I stayed alive.

I still see the weeds in my dreams. For every two I pull out of the ground, a forest replaces them.

Yesterday I bought flower boxes, seeds and a watering can. I can’t quite explain why I did this. Stockholm Syndrome maybe? Am I identifying with my captors, so that I might BE ONE OF THEM? I can’t be sure. All I know is that I put my father in the ground and now I want something to come up. It is going to work.

Ween – Push Th’ Little Daisies

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