Thursday, April 30, 2009

Swine Flu FAQ
















What is Swine Flu?

Swine Flu is a pandemic that has infected cable news programs. You might be next.

What happens if I try not to think about Swine Flu?
Your brain will think about it every half second in presentation format (including graphics, pie charts, general statistics and a motivational message at the end).


What are the symptoms?

First, Sanjay Gupta will report LIVE from Mexico, sporting bugged out eyes and thin film of sweat. Next thing you know, you’re going to wonder if your seasonal allergies are a clever disguise for a sinister pig virus.





How many times can one person contract Swine Flu?

If you’re looking for a topical excuse to get out of work, I strongly recommend that you exercise the Swine Flu option one time only. However, if you actually get sick from Swine Flu later on you are going to look like the biggest lie-bag in the whole world.


Self-indulgent societies are being held hostage by a swine-to-human virus. Should I meditate on irony or gluttony?
Alanis, if I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a thousand times! It’s a PARADOX!




Alanis Morissette – Ironic (multiple personality disorder version)



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15 comments:

Anonymous said...

Good morning, MJ! This is the very best FAQ I've ever read!

LV

Anonymous said...

I've just read in Mexico news, that yesterday in Gudalajara, for instance, parks and malls were full as the people have free =)

LV

Mojopo said...

LV, that's great news. Tell the fam back home to avoid the green pork tacos and all will be well.

Anonymous said...

thanks, but i think I won't tell them because for sure the first thing they'll do it the opposite.

LV

Mojopo said...

Yesh. My Mom is the same way.

anony tu said...

If I call in sick with pig virus, won't the boss expect that I'm going to die? Nevermind explaining my sunburn and satisfied grin. How do I explain that I'm still living? That's what all of us who are undoubtedly going to milk this thing for all it's worth need to be thinking about.

THIS Mojopost gets a ten because it's not only informative but thought-provoking. My thoughts are now so provoked they need a cold shower!

Speedy said...

Yesssssssssss, I think now is the perfect time to call in sick to work with the swine flu. What can they say??? Tell them you were at El Pollo Loco last week and your Dr. says you caught it there. =)

PapaPig said...

One FAQ your missed MJ.

Piggie is in no way responsible for the Swine Flu. Other rumors about my involvement are greatly exaggerated.

Smokey said...

I think that the virus has spread to the other networks as well. I'm questioning the protocols. They are saying to wear a mask, or a respirator. Then they say, no, just cover your mouth but don't touch your face. And wash your hands. Sing the alphabet song while you are sudsing. What's next, the Hokey-Pokey?

Mojopo said...

Smokey, the local news said to sing "Happy Birthday" while washing one's hands. When confronted with a mutating pandemic, the very first things to remember are birthday songs and bubbles. Of course! DUH

This is like the Duct Tape Scare all over again.

anony tu said...

Mojo on Mike's Blog round-up

FOR THE SECOND TIME!

http://crooksandliars.com/mike-finnigan/mikes-blog-roundup-183
________________

Ms Mojo is famous and that's just one stinkin word away from RICH and famous. When the rich part comes (as it inevitably will -- did everybody hear? Mike's Blog Round-up! For the second time!!!) I wants me one of these, please, Ms Mojo:

http://www.perrspectives.com/aboutus/store.htm

Mojopo said...

LOVE. Get two. We'll wear them on the same day!!

Have you ever noticed how much the threat level chart looks like a big gay banner?

Minnie-sota said...

People, if I sneeze on Mojo's blog it is my seasonal allergies, not the flu! Just wanted you to know.

Ralph said...

JUST AS MALARIA WAS FOUGHT BY DRAINING THE SWAMPS, TODAY AMERICA MUST DRAIN THE VERY SWAMPS THAT BREED AND PROMULGATE THE SWINE FLU VIRUS INFECTION, THE ROMAN CATHOLIC SCHOOL SYSTEM!!!!!!!!

DRAIN THE SWAMPS!!!!!!!!

DRAIN THE SWAMPS!!!!!!!!

DRAIN THE SWAMPS!!!!!!!!

THE SAME PRINCIPLES OF THE BEAUTIFUL COULTER PLAN FOR MIDDLE EAST STABILITY WILL NOW VICTORIOUSLY BE APPLIED TO THE SWINE FLU CRISIS IN AMERICA!!!!!!!!!!!

THIS WEEKEND WILL SEE AN EXTRA PUSH TO GET THE TRUTH IN THE HANDS OF LOST ROMAN CATHOLICS AS THIS MINISTRY WILL LAUNCH THE AMERICAPHILE COMMUNITY HEALTH INITIATIVE!!!!!!

IN ADDITION TO PLACING THE MORNING AFTER ON WINDSHIELDS IN RC CHURCH PARKING LOTS, THERE ARE SO MANY OTHER WAYS TO REACH THE LOST!!!!

LEAVE COPIES IN PAMPHLET RACKS!!!!!

INSERT THEM IN THE WEEKLY CHURCH ANNOUNCEMENTS AND IN CATHOLIC NEWSPAPERS!!!!

LEAVE THEM IN PEWS!!!!!!

THROW THEM INTO THE “CONFESSIONAL BOX” (LOOKS LIKE A CLOSET!!!! BWAHHHHHHHHH!!!!)

ON A WEEKDAY MORNING, PASS THEM OUT TO YOUNG CAPTIVES ON THEIR WAY TO CATHOLIC SCHOOL!!!!!!!!

MANY WILL LEARN FOR THE FIRST TIME THAT THE ROMAN POPE IS AN AGENT OF PIAPS AND ABOUT THE TUNNELS BESIDE THEIR OWN CHAPELS CONNECTING RECTORIES TO CONVENTS AND HIDING DEAD BABIES!!!!

AS WE GO FORTH SETTING THE CAPTIVES FREE, WE CAN BE SURE TO EXPERIENCE DRAMATIC RESULTS!!!!

DRAMATIC RESULTS!!!!

DRAMATIC RESULTS!!!!

DRAMATIC RESULTS!!!!

WE’VE GOT POPERY, PIAPS AND THE SWINE FLU ON THE RUN!!!!!!!

BWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Mojopo said...

Hi, Ralph - how have you been? Come here and give me some sugar, Sugar. Guess what? Imma turn Catholic, come to your house and hack on your doorknob.