Friday, January 16, 2009
Imagine that you are Gee Dubya practicing a farewell speech to an entire nation of people who (mostly) hate your guts. This would be your last opportunity to upset normal TV programming, swearing up and down that you didn’t do anything wrong. As you try and make enough spit to polish your legacy, your interruption is interrupted by a bona fide miracle in New York City, courtesy of US Airways.
I would like to thank Chesley B. “Sully” Sullenberger for reminding us what NYC looks like when everything goes right. Sully is an accomplished pilot who successfully ditched a commercial airliner on the Hudson River, after his engines were killed by evildoing geese. A water landing of a lifetime. Well blow me down and call me your booger!
You know what NYC looks like when bad things happen with jets. Not this time. Tragedy averted and everyone lived!
The verdict is in. Our world IS a better without Dubya. Dubya who? He was on TV last night? Whatever man, whatever.
Enjoy your pre-Inauguration weekend festivities. If you think the water-landing was good, brace yourselves again. A guy riding a unicorn will take full responsibility for the US on Tuesday. Noon. Don’t miss it!
Thursday, January 15, 2009
If this is your first visit to Mojopost, welcome to our weekly employment search blog. This is the one about me trying to help you find a job. Remember what those looked like? To all others – welcome back! If anyone asks you why you’re on-line goofing off instead of earning a living, simply point to my blog and look earnest. “Pardon me, but I’m busy looking for work right now.” It is that easy.
Car Wash Technician
Alaska Laser Wash - Anchorage, Alaska
Have you ever tried to wash a car when it’s forty degrees below zero? That’s when lasers come in handy, I guess. This job provides a serious opportunity to learn a skill while providing a valuable service to the community. You might even meet Todd Palin and buff his snow machine. 70’s dance moves are a bonus but not required.
America’s Got Talent – Los Angeles, California
Can you thread your head between your knees while your rear is on fire? Belch Pi? Does your dog play a banjo? Here’s your chance to earn a million dollars. Only serious applicants should consider this opportunity.
GlassblowerIf you need me to look at your resume, I would be more than happy to help. My e-mail address is on the right. Good luck!
(Employer name withheld) – New York, NY
With any luck and steady lips, you might not need a pair of kneepads for this job. Candidates for this position would be able to manage fragile situations, stifling heat and have an artistic flair. Blow, Gabriel, blow!
The Beatles – A Hard Day’s Night
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
Dear Mainstream Media:
Like you, I am a Liberal. Thanks for all your hard work last year to secure a position in government for Barack Obama! I could spend all day blowing sunshine up your Spanx about that (and the Palin thing), but I have a favor to ask of you. Ann Coulter is selling another book and she is polluting my television again. Can you help?
Here are some suggestions:
In print media, substitute a photo of Ms. Coulter for this:
This is also acceptable:
When Ms. Coulter appears on television, it would be very handy if you could accentuate her crazy eyes with two glowing red dots. Did you see the pig in Amityville Horror? Like that.
We are going to need the New York Times on board for the book review. It would be helpful if they ignore the real title of Ann’s book and refer to it as “A Pile Of My Own Waste by Ann Coulter”. I think they will do it for free.
Wait a hot minute - I’ve got an idea. How about you ignore her? No one has ever tried that before and it’s right out of left field! She would never see it coming. You are so welcome, dude. We’re in this together.
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
Joe The Plumber shipped off to Israel, because he is a war correspondent for PajamasMedia now. Unsatisfied with his position as the other embarrassing footnote in Sen. John McCain’s 2008 campaign journal, Joe was eager to fulfill his pundit fantasy and receive a paycheck this year.
So long, brown and semi-solid toilet clogs in Ohio! Hello, shell-shocked war zone residents! These days, Joe comes home from work smelling like a rocket attack more than raw sewage. As far as Joe is concerned, he traded up.
PajamasMedia could not possibly be more proud of Joe. For pennies a capfull, Joe has put his tax-evading, square bald head on the line to bring mega-traffic to his employer’s website. Snicker at the absurdity of this spectacle all you want to, Anderson Cooper of CNN, but Joe is running into bomb shelters during real-time and he looks realistically scared shitless. That’s right, Andy – Joe is scooping you. Can you taste the situational irony? You betcha!
What do you want me to say? That Joe is naive and sophomoric? That Joe makes me want to pull my brains out with both hands? Dig deeper, Andy. Joe the big, dumb jerk and his expendable mouth might learn a thing or two while he is over there. How do you like them crab apples, Andy?
As far as I am concerned, every Joe should have the opportunity to see real human suffering up close. Being humbled and terrified is not a bad thing, provided that our plumber isn’t mortared. If that happens, we are all screwed. Well, at least until the next news cycle and then it’s back to the Yellow Pages for the next guy.
REM – What’s The Frequency Kenneth?
Monday, January 12, 2009
Last week, I asked my readers what I should do with their body when they die. Of the choices listed, mummification smoked cremation and organ donations by a wide margin. In fourth place was “I don’t care.” A proper burial was practically shunned and received spit instead of votes.
What does this tell us about the people who read Mojopost? Funeral directors and organ donation providers – take notes!
Packaging eternity is a tricky business. Obviously, my readers are unsatisfied with the choices they can afford, like boring tombstones and stupid urns. People who are going to die (someday) have made it clear that they wish to be preserved and put on display. An admission could be charged. People could learn things. Each display booth could be tricked-out with personal comments from the deceased, a link to their blog and their personalized iTunes play-list – think Facebook page for the dead. I would be more than happy to rent my expertise on this matter to a savvy entrepreneur.
Organ donation providers should consider marketing a combo with funeral directors. For example, people who offer their livers and eyeballs could receive a discount on an affordable method of mummification. Be creative.
This week’s poll is about your neighbors. They’re awfully curious, aren’t they? What do you think those people are up to? The poll is at the right. Multiple choice, too! Select as many answers as you like.