Saturday, February 07, 2009

Woman Terrified By Midnight Dog-Walker

From the Lockport, NY Union Sun & Journal police blotter:
Town of Lockport
• SUSPICIOUS PERSON: A woman reported she was walking down Central Avenue about midnight Saturday when an unknown male walking a small dog attempted to stop her and engage her in conservation. She ran away and heard someone following her say “Come here. I just want to talk to you.” She said he was going to tell her parents and the man said, "No. No. Don't do that I just want to talk." She stopped at a friends’ house on Central and attempted to wake him up by knocking on the door with no answer. She hopped over the fence in the backyard and ripped her jeans. She continued to go back to her friend’s house on Branch where she called her father. The male was about 6-feet tall and around 40 years of age. He wearing jeans with a dark color shirt and had something shiny on the right side belt area.
I love these kinds of near misses! My first impression is that the suspicious man was a psychotic masher or the Zodiac Killer, because I always default to the worst-case scenario. Then again, what if she made the whole thing up get Dad off the couch? My apologies, ma’am, but I have to ask.

Absolutely no one was coming at the woman with a hammer, and then she made a big huge scene at her friend’s house. If she was truly worried might she have screamed first (or called the cops) instead of going on a walkabout and ripping her pants? Call me a cynic, but I've seen all of the detective shows on A&E. This case smells more like dog than wolfman.

You know what? She is reading far too many bad Emo-vampire books. I would prescribe JK Rowling to the young woman, because the Potter stuff actually goes somewhere.

Obviously there is an outside chance that the woman escaped a sinister dog-walker with an eye for the ladies. Oh no! Call 911!

Some guy juggling with music by Chris Ligon (Crazy Daisy)

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Friday, February 06, 2009

Ackerman and Markopolos Go Nuclear On The SEC

On Wednesday Rep. Gary Ackerman (Furious – NY) addressed the SEC during a Congressional hearing, to find out why they could not find their ass “…with both hands, even if the lights were on.” Ackerman delivered a series of well-aimed donkey punches at the SEC in light of their failure to notice Bernie Madoff’s $50-billion Ponzi scheme for the past nine years.

Harry Markopolos was working at Rampart Investment Management Co. when his boss told him to find out how Bernie Madoff was making so much money. With a few assistants and some pals, Markopolos discovered that Madoff was running the mother of all rip-offs. He also testified before Congress, because he had been blowing a whistle on Madoff since 2000. Boy, was he pissed!

Markopolos was at a disadvantage for years. By the looks of things, he probably was never the first person on anyone’s list to have lunch with. I’m not saying he’s ugly or boring, and I’m sure he’s a fine man, but he is somewhere between an adenoidal wonk and hard place. No one wants to come out and say it, but the SEC treated Markopolos like a crank caller. It’s pretty bad when the nebbishes at the SEC have better things to do than have a salad with you at Ruby Tuesday's. As a matter of fact, it was worth billions of dollars to them to avoid him.

Every year, like clockwork, Markopolos would warn the SEC about Bernie. The SEC would pretend to notice and then go back to playing Free Cell. Plenty of times they put him on the speakerphone, while everyone in the room made goofy faces and tried not to bust out laughing.

One day, Bernie Madoff confessed. “There is no innocent explanation,” he said. I should think not, especially when he made off with Elie Weisel’s foundation money (that’s not even the half of it). Everyone at the SEC shit their pants and died.

Rep. Ackerman is in this street fight for the right reasons and he is the perfect ally for Markopolos. He’s built like a fireplug and he acts like he runs a bowling alley. Together, the Markopolos/Ackerman equation is like every good 80’s teen movie, where the geek and the jerk are vindicated in a struggle against the popular frat. The formula works everytime, people.

Rep. Ackerman has a great finale. Check it out.

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Thursday, February 05, 2009

Snow Memory - Blizzard of '77

I grew up in Western NY. When we were not inventing Buffalo Wings and eating Beef On Weck, our downtime was spent surviving blizzards. I found a cool video of the Blizzard of ’77 – a legendary storm that paralyzed the region for several weeks.

I remember getting out of school early that day. My sister and her friend came to get me on a snowmobile (which they had done before) but the teacher wouldn’t let me go that time (something about the words “irresponsible” and “insurance liability”). When I got on the school bus the sky was blue. By the time I reached Althea Street the sky had turned into a hurricane made of ice.

Walking home was the hardest part. The wind kept pushing me aside and backwards. I had my parka hood pulled over my face and kept a peephole open at my chin. At the time it seemed exciting to fall over as I tried to move forward (a premonition of junior year and red plastic cups).

Everyone at my house had to take turns sweeping the snowdrifts away from the front door. Worse, we had to sweep the roof to keep it from caving in. On one of my turns with the shovel and broom I saw a pheasant slam into Spot’s doghouse. Red head, long tail – everything you would expect in a reasonable pheasant. These birds usually hide in the forests and fields, away from people and neighborhoods. They do not land in yards. That is why I can’t forget it.

The pheasant shook off the hard landing like it was in a cartoon, with dizzy stars over its’ head. A second later the wind grabbed that bird and threw it out of sight, and pitched all 9 years of me against the porch. Pheasants used to taste good until that happened.

I know it’s crazy to admit, but to this day I question the whereabouts of that bird. If you or a friend you know is a pheasant from Niagara County during the Blizzard of ‘77, please get in touch with me about the last 32 years of your life. Thanks much.

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Wednesday, February 04, 2009

Random Diversion Blog

So here’s the deal: I’m typing with one hand and words take much longer to spell. I’m wearing a sling on my right arm – something about bursitis or a rotator cuff thing. Be that as it may, I’m willing to qualify with a new blog. It’s not like I’ve got a diving bell and butterfly problem, ok? I hate Locked-In Syndrome as much as you do.

Today it’s just you and me. No Digg, no Technorati – none of that sensible networking stuff that takes more time to tap out on a keyboard. Let’s get lost. Together we can ride bareback through the Blogosphere!

Our first diversion of the week? People who run red lights. How much do we hate that? “Oh no – did they run the light? Oh my God! We almost died!”

I love Live Leak. It’s one of my guilty pleasures.

That reminds me… I haven’t been rear-ended in forever. I’m due. Damn.

Tuesday, February 03, 2009

Bank of America Blew The Rent On A Kegger

Bank of America failed to read my Field Guide For Shameless Wall Street Types. They were too busy to pay attention because they were blowing their bail-out on a Super Bowl party for “prospective clients” while “marketing loan products”. Obvious euphemisms for “open bar” and “party ‘till you puke”.

If there is a more frat-bastard way to create a PR nightmare during an economic disaster, let me know.

For a company that was crying a torrential downpour of salty tears, teetering on the brink of a suicide cliff, BoA sure knows how to get down. They could have given people knock-off watches for opening a new account at their bank, but NO. Hmmm, considerate business gimmicks v. body shots with cougars? Cougars win!

I spent some time looking at news sites on Monday, to see how many people were as eye-bulging mad as I am about BoA. Funny thing happened at the ABC News forum. About 300 people signed up to that site yesterday, to comment in favor of BoA. First time visitors. Go ahead and click on the profiles belonging to pro-BoA monikers and see for yourself. That’s what corporate damage control looks like. How very thoughtful of those BoA employees to stink-up the Internet when they should have been preoccupied with making us some money.

I want my TARP back. Actually, I want my money plus a free pass to go hog-wild epileptic on the entire list of executives at BoA. First in line for this opportunity should be former BoA employees laid-off in 2008 (to curb expenses). Fair is fair.

Did anyone really expect corporations to take the fiscal and moral high ground when they received TARP money? Why, and who are you really? It would have taken five minutes for any elected official (or former president) to outline decent behavior, but they flaked – distracted by inhaling and exhaling into paper bags about the money problems.

If it were up to me the US government would regulate, legislate and berate the crap out of these companies, because they are incapable of making good choices on their own. Their business models keep breaking down and we deserve something else.

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Monday, February 02, 2009

Mojopoll: We Should Tax Republicans

I have this little thing that I like to call Mojopoll. It is a dandy substitute for hard science, in that I get to ask readers a set of leading questions that support my own point of view on any given subject. Big fun for everyone!

Lo and behold, you read my mind about the economy last week and how to fix it. Both us agreed that we need to tax the hell out of Republicans (67%). Moral and fiscal irresponsibility should come with a fat price tag, that’s why! We could end their wars and eat ‘em with Grey Poupon (after we drill the Bush family for oil). Yes we can! Yes we can! Yes we can!

Speaking of Republicans, did you see what the GOP did last week? They erected Michael Steele to be the first black Republican Party leader. I beg your pardon, but the Democrats did that "first black leader thing" all ready (and their candidate was NOT just some black guy). Is this new Republican appointment related to the Equal Opportunity Act, because if so – I’m confused. I thought Republicans hated affirmative action. Who the hell is this Michael Steele? Supposedly, he was a black lieutenant governor from Maryland and he has appeared on cable television. Stunning. Christ, they could have saved some time if they just put John Boehner in black face make-up.

With this subject in mind, I developed a new Mojopoll. Your answers could influence the Republican Party, going forward. The poll is on the right – multiple choice, as always.

Which race, creed or color do you prefer?

Don't be a hater. It skews the results. Thanks, and have a happy Monday!

Cyrkle - Red Rubber Ball

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Sunday, February 01, 2009

Super Bowl Day Off

I’m not writing a blog today because I’m busy looking for chicken wings to eat during the Super Bowl. Did you know about the chicken wing shortage? What a castastrophe! This was totally under my radar. Also, I injured my shoulder in the dishwasher. Long story!

Don’t worry. My shoulder hurts much less than my face did, when it got caught in the oscillating fan. Do I LOOK like I studied coordination?

Like some other people you know, I’m going to watch the Super Bowl on Sunday. I have absolutely no idea what’s going on with that – not even a remote clue. Pittsburgh is playing Arizona, and that’s as far as I can go. I’ve seen this show a bazillion times but nothing ever stuck with me. I’m there for the commercials and because I can shout, “WHOOO WHOOO WHOOO!” when I feel like it. It is an honor to be the designated Whooo Whooo Person. No, I don’t even need a beverage.

Back to my point: I can’t write a blog today because of a chicken wing conspiracy, football, and because the dishwasher tried to kill me.

Have a happy day!

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