Friday, June 26, 2009

Live Blogging Live Coverage of Michael Jackson’s Death

If you thought you saw it all when Anna Nicole Smith died, think again!

6:20 PM: B. just called to tell me Michael Jackson died. “He what?” Bad connection. “I said he died!” I asked her if it was suicide but she it was his heart. We both wondered if he would need embalming. Isn’t that awful? Us, I mean. I turned on CNN and they tried to play a clip of MJ singing We Are The World, but it's not MJ - it's Stevie Wonder. Cut to commercial.

6:25 PM: Larry King gave me terrible heebie jeebies. He said that he had to throw away a slide show presentation of Farrah Fawcett because MJ was the bigger scoop. “That’s life in the news business!” Lar, I think you didn’t mean it that way but I don’t know you. Maybe you meant to sound like a creepy old scab? I learn so much about people when there’s a crisis. Now we know why Lar has been divorced 85 times.

7:01 PM: Entertainment Tonight is airing the scraps of Larry’s Farrah presentation. I got through 30 seconds of it because the John Tesh-inspired score inspired the sensation of a hair caught on my epiglottis. My gag reflex is way too sensitive. I have the hardest time brushing my teeth in the morning, too. For tooth brushing, I hang in there. Not for ET. Poor Farrah.

7:26 PM: All of the news stations are airing clips of Michael performing with the Jackson 5 singing I Want You Back. Michael is wearing a turquoise jumpsuit with gold lame trim. It’s hard enough being a kid but 70’s fashions were especially cruel to entertainers. And so were their abusive stage fathers. Hey Joe, why is Michael missing a tooth?

8:01 PM: Larry King wants everyone to know he will broadcast twice this evening, instead of just once. He mentions this 3 times. A panel has been assembled to comment including Jeffery Toobin, a journalist who once interviewed MJ. He looks like he could puke. Someone asks Jeffery about Michael and he basically said that everyone around Michael was a vile, pig-like whoremonger and they should all roast in hell. Then he disappeared. Bravo, sir!

9:30 PM: broke the news about MJ, and the story about them scooping real journalists is on Yahoo!, CNN and ABC. Is this anything we need to high 5?

9:31 PM: Over it. Done. Had enough. I called Mom, who is TV-less since the digital conversion, and she asked me about today's news. “Michael Jackson died, Ma.” “Did he kill himself?” she asked. “I wondered the same thing, but no – it was his heart. Maybe pills. That’s what his lawyer said.” She loves ET and Access Hollywood more than anyone I know. Mom has many questions that I am (sadly) able to answer.

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Thursday, June 25, 2009

Belated Father's Day Greetings To Gov. Mark Sanford

Belated Father’s Day greetings to Gov. Mark Sanford (R-SC). He could not celebrate with his four children over the weekend because he was out of town, working the creases out of his chorizo in Argentina. With his mistress. I was so surprised! A Republican with a woman?

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Wait a hot minute! Isn’t this the same guy who had so much to say about Bill Clinton’s nasty business? Yes, he said:
“I think it would be much better for the country and for him personally (to resign). I come from the business side. If you had a chairman or president in the business world facing these allegations, he’d be gone.” [Sanford on Clinton, The Post and Courier, 9/12/98]
Karma works in mysterious ways. Without Karma I would have never known that the road to FAIL begins somewhere in the Appalachian mountains, which are connected to Argentina. Who knew?

Mrs. Sanford, I know a great lawyer. Don’t even bother yourself with that phony stand by your man silliness. Do the right thing – beat his ass on live TV.

What is it with US governors and their philandering pee-pees? If I didn’t know better, I’d say that Sarah Palin hired a private investigator and is eliminating her 2012 rivals one at a time.

Check out this clip of Sanford's confession. The women in the background make it all worthwhile.

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Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Fat, Drunk and Stupid - Chicago Cop On Probation

In February 2007, Chicago police officer Anthony Abbate went to Jesse’s Shortstop Inn and partied like it was 1999. When a female bartender refused to serve him more drinks, he attacked her. A surveillance camera in the bar captured the beating.

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Officer Abbate was originally charged with a misdemeanor before the video was released to the public. Charges against Abbate grew to include felony battery, official misconduct, conspiracy, intimidation, and speaking with a witness. He was suspended from the police force, but not terminated.

Lawyers and the judge could not wrap their minds around the list of charges against a police officer, so Abbate's charges were reduced. He was tried and found guilty of aggravated battery instead.

Yesterday, suspended Officer Abbate was sentenced to two years probation per Judge John J. Fleming. He will be assigned to perform community service at the average rate of 2.5 hours a week. A few anger management classes, a curfew and POOF, all the bad stuff goes away.

Judge Fleming said, “If I believed sending Anthony Abbate to prison would stop people from getting drunk and hitting other people, I'd sentence him to the maximum. But I don't believe that is the case."

Let me see if I have this straight. (Suspended) Officer Abbate was granted a pardon disguised as community service because enforcing justice against bad cops is a complete waste of Judge Fleming’s time. Is that about right? I’m so happy that we have judges who take the time to explain the subtle nuances of permissible injustice.

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Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Mojopoll: Latest Results Now Available

Results from the previous Mojopoll results are in. As it turns out, Dianetics (by L. Ron Hubbard) is a book people have bought to poop on at different points in their lives (almost 78% percent of you). The other book you are most likely to express your anal gland on is 7 Habits of Highly Effective People. Today we learned that you are not falling for hoodoo or gurus. YAY, we love learning!

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Before we head off to the new Mojopoll, think of your favorite time of day. Set the stage in your mind and hold onto it for a moment. I’m having one of those moments myself right now because I’m sitting outside on the balcony. The people walking by on the street below sound interesting, plus I am wearing my favorite underwear. It is past midnight and there is only a small breeze. I can see planes flying to and from O’Hare and Midway, but I can’t hear them. The fat guy with a tiny dog is coming back from the gas station with his nachos, right on time. I can think when it’s like this, and I don’t mind if I do. Yes, I would love another! Thanks for asking.

Folks, I’d love to know the answer to this question: When is your favorite time of day? The poll is on your right. Feel inclined to offer the why’s and because’s in the comment section below. Be as honest as you please. The traffic here is light on Tuesdays.

Have a happy day!

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Monday, June 22, 2009

Garden Variety Revolution

I spent the weekend protesting the Iranian elections from my balcony jungle night and day, day and night. The symbolically green tomatoes, along with the new Stevia plant, and me are pert near ready to drive to Tehran right now. I’ve got garden trowel and I’m not afraid to put it anywhere it should not be.

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What we need is a shit ton of salt. It is the best thing for slugs and slimy dictators. If US citizen salted Dubya with even a small teaspoon of Tony Chachere’s Creole Seasoning, we wouldn’t be in half the mess we’re in now. Look – it’s not hard. Even margarita salt will do. BBQ-ists, alcoholics, anyone with something salty should fly to Iran and start shaking.

Even my purple pansies are upset about this thing in Iran. All twenty-two blossoms (tall as weeds!) are ready for a fight. Do you know anything about the way pansies fight? They are worse than screaming animals. Vindictive like a woman with the power of a man. And you know the pansy was probably right, every time, which makes them capable doing anything. Only one person walks away from those kinds of altercations, and barely. If cable TV ever staged a fight between pansies and anyone else, I’d buy five subscriptions. Riveting stuff.

My yellow celosia is armed, the marigold is spouting ten back-ups and the impatients are in a hurry to help out. The hydrangea is leaning left now, too, even though it was leaning right last week. The gladiolus plants are turning red with anger. The lettuce? That lettuce was packed the day after the Iranian election. Ahmadinejad doesn’t have the dressing it would take to hold down this salad.

I’ve got chicken wire and pliers and I'm mad as hell. Iran - me and the garden are behind you all the way. Get 'er done!

Helter Skelter – The Beatles

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