Saturday, September 06, 2008

I'm Sick of Sarah Palin

Ten bucks says she's about to be the most popular Halloween mask this year. Her pumpkin face is everywhere! Sarah Palin looks like every bad manager I met in retail, during my will-work-for-food college years. Further, she comes across like a corrupt Human Resources manager. Do you know what I am saying? She's the one who demanded ambient lighting in her office, while the rest of us made do with florescent lighting. She's the kind of woman who rinses her hands in the restroom, but never bothers with soap. I hate that.

She is Dubya in a dress. I can't take it. Imma pinch her head off.

Won't Get Fooled Again

John, you're running with the devil. So much!

Friday, September 05, 2008

I Waited Four Years For This

My television set survived the Republican nation convention. Things were a little sketchy last night, but I managed not to take my trusty metal baseball bat to the TV, thus rendering my valuable source of entertainment into an ash and sparks. Oh, but I wanted to.

I put myself through this every four years. I am a lapsed Southern Baptist and every now and then I feel like I have to endure something I hate to get right with my maker. I'm so right with God at this very moment that I could break into a hymn, something like "I'll Have A New Body" or "I'll Fly Away". I feel enlightened and changed. Miracles are happening in my condo - I just turned an empty glass into a vessel of inexpensive table wine. Past the lips and over the gums, look out stomach - here it comes! Amen.

Fred Thompson was a highlight of the convention, which might be one of the saddest things I've ever written. Oh sure, that Sarah Palin was a real barnburner, but did you see Tom Ridge? Me neither. I left the room to paint my toes. Today was a Pink Alert, by OPI.

There might be a handful or two of Independents and fence sitters who will consider voting for Grampy McHero after this long, tedious, vapid, hypocritical and unspectacular event. I wish them well.

The only thing I'm going to remember is that someone, who I won't name, tried to hide something important about her personal life by draping her daughter with a baby blanket and a loose-fitting black dress. It just doesn't get any colder in Alaska than that.

Thursday, September 04, 2008

Republican Convention: Asshole Party

I’ve been watching the Republican convention this week. A friend asked me, “Hey Mojo, how do you keep doing it – night after night?”

I confess - there have been moments when I needed to be physically restrained from grabbing my baseball bat and turning the TV into an exploding smoke-ball. Hardly anything gets me off the sofa once I’m there, but this Republican stuff gets me all riled up. Still, I hang on. “Know thine enemy.” This is what they look like:

As much as I hate the whole stinking shitpile of absurd nonsense, I know that this is God’s will for me to see it through to the end. The Republicans would have you believe that God speaks only to them, and that simply is not the case. God is a non-partisan booming voice in my head, and according to Him, I am to watch the Republican convention and not let my head launch off of my neck, as if it were rocket propelled. Sure is tempting, but no. That’s not my path. I am here to observe and form opinions, and to find new and exciting ways to use the words “boring as fuck”, "shameless liebags" and "obnoxious crapheads" in real sentences.

There is only one more night of the convention left. Up next? Sarah’s grandfather, Grampy, will tell war stories and making embarrassing noises. Everyone is nice about it, and they have cake afterwards. Except for Grampy, who will enjoy a delicious glass of Metamucil. Bottoms up, sir.

If I am not here tomorrow, it means that Satan took over and I set my head on fire. Wish me luck!

Wednesday, September 03, 2008

Senator Grampy Says, "Hey you kids - get off my lawn!"

From Huffington Post:

ST. PAUL, Minn. — John McCain's campaign on Wednesday angrily called for an end to questions about its review of Sarah Palin's background, deriding a "faux media scandal designed to destroy the first female Republican nominee" for vice president.

"This nonsense is over," declared senior campaign adviser Steve Schmidt in a written statement.

The statement stood out for its admission that Palin is under siege _ it condemns "this vetting controversy" _ and for its attempt to blunt questions about how rigorously McCain and his campaign explored the background of a candidate who may get the nation's second most powerful job.

Grampy, if there's one thing the press loves is a double-dog dare. Asking them to back off vetting a candidate (because you did not), is all the incentive they need to clean your clock, you old prick! These kids are going to throw balls in your yard all day, just to watch you spaz out. They are going to be everywhere - raiding your zucchini garden, tying cans to your dog's tail and soaping your windows ("GRAMPY IS A PEDO"). What a big mouth you have, Grampy.

Go ahead, old man - go crab at Sarah about this. Sarah Palin can call the cops all she wants! The cops think Sarah is a nutjob. If she thinks Officer Smiley is going to drop everything and run his ass over there, she's going to sit.and.wait.a.long.time.

Got that Grampy? Eat a dick!

John Prine - Hello In There

Tuesday, September 02, 2008

It Happens To Their Kids, Too

Governor Sarah Palin, of Alaska (population 670,053), is John McCain’s vice-presidential candidate. Her 17 year-old daughter, Bristol, is unmarried and pregnant. Currently the Republican convention is taking place in Minnesota, and the Republicans are doing everything in their power to spin this teen pregnancy into a silk purse.

I do not think Sarah Palin’s daughter is fair game, but I do think there is no time like the present to talk about teen pregnancy.

Without a doubt, I feel bad for Bristol Palin. Suddenly she is Juno, or Britney Spear's sister. I'd like to remind folks that teenagers are frequently and habitually careless with sexual matters as a rule, and this does not mean Bristol’s parents are to blame. However it does prove that teen pregnancy is not an inner city or a backwoods condition - it is a human condition that knows no socio-economic boundaries.

According to the federal Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, one in four girls have STD's. Further, record numbers of teenage girls are turning up pregnant. Getting an STD, or pregnant, isn't something like a lightening strike or a one in a million shot. Those statistics do not reflect a fluke of misfortune. The numbers are saying we failed to provide teenagers with the right information about sexual matters, and that they are unwilling (or unable) to ask us how to behave responsibly.

I would like to have five minutes with Sarah Palin and ask, "What kind of resources are available to your underage daughter, now that she's pregnant?" Does her daughter have health insurance? Many teens do not. "Governor, will your daughter be able to finish school and attend a college of her choice after she gives birth?" Far too many girls, who do not have politicians for mothers, will have a harder time (or find it virtually impossible) to realize their goals in life because of an unplanned pregnancy. The Republican Party and the religious right are not addressing any of these issues, even when their own kids are pregnant.

Right now Sarah Palin’s party is waving their flag for the abstinence/anti-choice movement. And they should be called on their bullshit now rather than later.

How many more young people will Republicans and the religious right choose to fail?

Sunday, August 31, 2008

Say It Ain't So

From The Swamp:

Get this: Michael Moore, the filmmaker, had this to say about the onslaught of Hurricane Gustav on the eve of the Republican National Convention.

"I was just thinking, this Gustav is proof that there is a God in Heaven.'' Moore said with a chuckle in a televised interview.

"That it would actually be on its way to New Orleans for Day one of the Republican convention up in the twin cities at the top of the Mississippi River,'' Moore said, in an interview with MSMBC's Keith Olbermann, on Countdown.