McCain Insiders Suffering, Thinking About Changing Their Names

McCain campaign insiders are leaking more dirt than a busted Hoover bag. Oh yeah, baby. They hate Sarah.

Anonymous employees of Sen. Grampy are eager to vent to anyone who will listen.

“I’ve had it!” said an aide. “I’m supposed to be an advisor but I am knee deep in diapers and idiocy. Sarah Palin is embarrassing. How am I supposed to work with that? I'm not Annie Sullivan! I spend half of my time trying to keep Sarah's kids from setting fires and the other half beating my head against hard surfaces, trying to make myself pass out. No matter what I try and tell Sarah, she has a better idea. Why am I here?”

It gets worse.

“Yesterday, Sarah tried to make Nancy Pfotenhauer breast-feed Trig. Never mind how gross that is, but Nancy Pfotenhauer is like, I dunno, 60 years old. If she can squeeze-out a drop of anything remotely liquid, I’ll be the first one to call Ripley’s Believe It Or Not.”

“As soon as this election is over, I’m going to punch Todd Palin in the balls. We call a meeting, and there’s Todd. We make conference calls, and there’s Todd. John won’t even look at him anymore.”

“Mostly I hate John McCain. This whole thing is his fault. As soon as John loses this campaign I hope Cindy sends him divorce papers. These past two years are a smoking crater on my resume. Every potential employer is going to think I’m a moron or a racist, or something. I mean - come on! Have you seen the psychos at John’s rallies? Every day is Halloween, man. Fuck. This. I wish it was November 5th already.”

McCain Campaign Suffers Another Blow: Ashley Todd

"Who are you going to believe - Ashley Todd or your lying eyes?"

I just couldn't figure out how her eyeball wasn't swollen or purple. Maybe it's because I really got punched in the face and didn't fake it up with mascara?

It's confirmed. Ashley The Liar lied.

The Presidential Debate Smackdown Game

HOFSTRA UNIVERSITY, HEMPSTEAD, NY - Tune in Wednesday evening for the final presidential debate between Barack Obama and John McCain. While you’re there, enjoy a game with your friends and family. Here are the rules:

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Every time John McCain mentions Bill Ayers, slap the nearest Pinko to your left.

Every time Barack Obama says “more of the same”, find the oldest person in your group, forcefully remove their dentures and throw them out the window.

Every time John McCain says “my friends”, grab the tongue of the person to your right and twist.

Every time Barack Obama smiles at a bad McCain analogy, pretend you are Moe from The Three Stooges, yell “WOOB WOOB WOOB” and invite your neighbor to punch you in the face.

Every time John McCain mentions terrorism, set off an M-80 in the toilet and run like hell.


Every time Barack Obama brings up the economy, find an MBA in your group and punch them in the neck.

If Republican cronyism comes up, go hog wild and beat the crap out of anything you can reach.

When in doubt, Primal Scream.

For other debate related games click here, and here.

LL Cool J – Mama Said Knock You Out*


*Alecia, remember when we met LL and he was so pretty? Me too.

McCain Surprises Nudist Rally By Appearing Naked

SUNNY HAVEN RECREATIONAL PARK, INDIANA - In an unprecedented display of nudity by a presidential candidate, Sen. John McCain appeared at a rally here absolutely buck-naked.

Unnamed sources with McCain’s campaign said he is, “Just fed up, really, with Sarah Palin. It’s not one thing, it’s everything. The focus needs to be on his campaign, not her. We tried talk him out of this, but he’s ready to represent the nudist voters in this country.”

McCain said to the rally, “My friends, I am before you today without any clothes. As you can see, my colon is a bit worse for wear. Make no mistake - I’m not afraid to show you my colon. The Vietcong beat this colon out of me, and it’s been this way for about forty years. If I can stand forty years of this, you bet I’m ready to be your next president!”

McCain Rally Interrupted By Community Organizer

September 28, 11:14 AM EST

BEDFORD FALLS, NY (Mojopost) – Sen. John McCain was interrupted during a campaign rally today by Mr. George Bailey, CEO of Bailey Building & Loan Association. Bailey, locally recognized as a community organizer, philanthropist and Obama supporter, rushed the stage to address McCain.

“I helped a few people get out of your slums, Sen. McCain, and what's wrong with that? Why - here, you're all businessmen here. Doesn't it make those people better citizens? Doesn't it make them better customers? You - you said - what'd you say a minute ago? They had to wait and save their money before they even ought to think of a decent home. Wait? Wait for what? Until their children grow up and leave them?”

Bailey said, “Do you know how long it takes a working man to save five thousand dollars? Just remember this, Sen. McCain, that this rabble you're talking about - they do most of the working and paying and living and dying in this community. Well, is it too much to have them work and pay and live and die in a couple of decent rooms and a bath? Anyway, my father didn't think so. People were human beings to him. But to you - a warped, frustrated old man - they're cattle.”

Bailey was Tasered to the ground and dragged from the rally by his hair. He was arrested shortly after. Bailey’s neighbors posted bail and he was released on his own recognizance.

Sen. McCain had no comment.

Top 10 Presidential Debate Highlights

Sen. John McCain (R, AZ) un-suspended his presidential campaign to debate Sen. Barack Obama (D, IL) on Friday evening. This was the first of three presidential debates. The moderator was Jim Lehrer, of PBS. In case you missed anything, here are the Top 10 Presidential Debate Highlights…

10. McCain invited children from the audience to pull his finger. Unfortunately, McCain inadvertently pooped his pants during his third attempt.

9. Always the peacemaker, Obama gave McCain a new Blackberry. McCain was disappointed to find out that he couldn’t use his Blackberry to play 8-track tapes. “I really miss Dr. Hook,” he said.

8. Obama challenged McCain to make nice paella. McCain refused and said he was opposed to preparing “Socialist Rice”.

7. The crowd went wild when Obama pop-locked during “Rockit”, by Herbie Hancock.

6. McCain got a cramp in his Ahmadinejad. Thank goodness for Blue Goo.

5. Obama scored points pronouncing Ahmadinejad correctly and said, “Ahmma talk to him later.”

4. During commercial breaks, Jim Lehrer talked to the crowd about partying at Chateau Marmont, and explained the difference between doing 8-balls and rolling on E.

3. Everyone loved McCain’s war stories. Especially his anecdotes about Vietnamese hookers.

2. When asked about his health-care plan, McCain distributed vitamin C and antibiotic ointment to the audience, and encouraged Americans to, “…stop whining.”

1. The crowd went wild when Obama gave piggyback rides to the entire front row.

McCain Delays Economic Rescue; Elaborates On The Length Of His Manhood

Sen. John McCain (R, AZ) suspended his presidential campaign September 23, 2008, citing an urgent need to visit Washington, DC, in order to spoil any measure of progress regarding the economic crisis in the United States. “I’m looking for a way to blame Democrats,” he said. McCain cautioned that even if his false allegations about the economy and Democrats are proven untrue, he was willing to put his manhood on the line. The candidate then called for an impromptu press conference to elaborate on the length of his manhood.

“My friends,” he said, “it seems ridiculous to me to waste the taxpayer’s time to talk about frivolous things like mortgage fraud and economic bail-outs, especially when the size of my penis is so extraordinarily small.”

“Like me, millions of men lack width and girth when it comes to the size of their penis. Personally, I have to use a cocktail fork to find my penis when I’m trying to use a urinal. Many American men do not have cocktail forks and are forced to urinate sitting down.”

“After this economic crisis is diverted, clearly without my help, I’m going to sign a bill that will provide cocktail forks to every home, in every state of the union. No man should pee sitting down unless it is his choice. As president, I am willing to promote penis-enhancement by offering $100 billion dollars in federal aid to scientific research devoted to enlarging American penises."

McCain answered journalist’s questions for three hours. He was asked about his plans to divert financial ruin.

“I will do whatever is humanly possible to delay a resolution.” McCain said that his advisers are certain he can interrupt progress indefinitely, and assured him that his penis is truly the smallest penis they have ever seen. McCain exposed himself to veteran journalist Helen Thomas, to prove his assertion. “I’ve seen newborn babies with bigger dingies,” Thomas said.

Later, McCain pulled down his pants for Anderson Cooper of CNN, all comers from The Wall Street Journal and one intern affiliated with The Sacramento Bee.

McCain said, “Of course I have ten cars. Obviously, I’m compensating for something.”

McCain plans to hinder serious discussions at the Hill on Friday by discussing his bowel movements, and intends to pass his removable dentures around the room, for laughs. More press conferences are anticipated.

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Update - 1:50 PM, September 26, 2008
Sen. John McCain has reversed his decision to avoid a debate with Sen. Barack Obama. On Friday, McCain’s mother, Mrs. Roberta McCain, picked him up by the scuff of his neck and threw him back into the debate forum. “You get in there and finish what you started, crybaby.” She added, “Don’t you dare come bawling to me, or I’ll really show you what a whupping feels like.”

McCain was asked if he feels confident about his debating skills. “I’m going to blink a lot and clear my throat really loud when Obama is speaking. I think I can mess up his concentration.”

When asked if he is ready to speak candidly and answer direction questions, McCain made an obscene hand gesture towards reporters and said, “How’s that for an answer, jerk?”

Top 10 Reasons Why McCain Has Suspended His Campaign

Sen. John McCain (R, Has Been) temporarily suspended his presidential campaign in order to form a coherent thought about the economic crisis in the US. McCain was scheduled to debate Sen. Barack Obama on Friday, the first of three presidential debates, but he can't make it because he's terribly busy. The topics to be debated were foreign policy and national security. The presidential elections take place on November 4th, 2008.

TOP 10 REASONS MCCAIN IS AVOIDING A DEBATE WITH OBAMA

10. His mail-order prescription of Cialis will arrive Friday afternoon.
9. The debates conflict with all-you-can-eat night for seniors at Golden Corral.
8. Studying the Bush Doctrine with Chuck Norris. Lost valuable time complimenting Chuck’s new hair plugs.
7. Recently discovered that his copy of “World Leaders” is from 1977. D’oh!
6. Friday is Sarah’s day off. His expense reports have not yet been submitted and he will be busy answering his own phone.
5. Decided that a photo-op in DC was better than no photo-op at all.
4. If John McCain can spend five and a half years as an imprisoned POW in Vietnam, Barack Obama can wait five damn minutes for a crappy debate.
3. Still isn’t sure if where to find Pakistan on a map. Africa or South America? Too many choices.
2. Poker night with his biker buddies from Sturgis. That bottle of Jack ain’t gonna drink itself!
1. Two words: swollen prostate.

Elastica - Stutter

Sarah Palin's E-Mail Has Been Hacked!

Gawker and ABC News have both reported that Sarah Palin’s e-mail account on Yahoo has been hacked. Come on – wouldn’t you love to know more? Me too, and I bet I have a very good idea…

Let’s look, OK?
____________________________________________________________

From: Sarah P
Subject: Re: i m sick of babysitting
To: Piper
Date: Tuesday, September 16, 2008, 7:13 PM

Mommy is so proud of you, takin’ care of the baby and being such a big girl. But… you gotta stop licking Trig’s head. It was totally OK the first time, on television, but Mommy and Daddy would like for it to stop. Also…NO you cannot dress up like Bristol for Halloween! If I catch you going door-to-door begging for pagan candy and wearing a baby blanket, I will send you to live with Bristol and Levi and give you something to really cry about. Their kid is going to have five eyes and crap constantly. Do not push Mommy. LOL! Luv u!
_____________________________________________________________

From: Mark Salter
Subject: Re: Am I Allowed To Say Anything?
To: Sarah P
Date: Tuesday, September 16, 2008, 11:42 PM

Hi --

Answer only ONE question per day until otherwise notified... not comfortable with you improvising because you’re not as smart as you think you are. Awww, did I hurt your feelings, gov? SUCK IT UP. Here is an example of what to do:

Dummy: Can you tell us how you are qualified for this job?
Sarah: I was wondering when someone would ask me that. I’m so glad you stepped up to the mic. If anyone asked me if I am qualified, I would say, hey – you want qualified? Ya, you betcha! Thanks for askin’!

Remember – shut up and look pretty! McCain/Pain ’08!
_____________________________________________________________

From: John
Subject: MY FIRST E-MAIL
To: Sarah P
Date: Wednesday, September 17, 2008, 7:00 PM

DEAR SARAH:

THIS IS MY FIRST E-MAIL. I AM USING MARK’S BLACKBERRY. I INVENTED THE DAMN THING - WHO KNEW? HA HA. TOO MANY BUTTTONS AND THEY ARE SO SMALL! WRITE ME BACK IF YOU GET THIS. I’M GOING TO BED NOW. AMBIEN IS THE BEST THING EVER. YOU SHOULD GET SOME IF YOU ARE NOT BREAST FEEDING. IF YOU HAVE ANY SPARE MILK, I HAVE HEARD THAT MOMMY MILK IS GOOD FOR POW INJURIES. AS YOU KNOW I SUFFERED FOR MORE THAN FIVE YEARS IN A HANOI PRISON.

I AM LEARNING EMOTICONS. BIG FUN! :-P

YOUR PAL,
JOHN

(Update: Screen grabs and sample e-mail from Palin's account are here. Turns out the stunt was pulled off by Anonymous, a group of anti-Scientology hackers).

McCain Talks About The Economy

Operation Pedo

Republican Convention: Asshole Party

I’ve been watching the Republican convention this week. A friend asked me, “Hey Mojo, how do you keep doing it – night after night?”





I confess - there have been moments when I needed to be physically restrained from grabbing my baseball bat and turning the TV into an exploding smoke-ball. Hardly anything gets me off the sofa once I’m there, but this Republican stuff gets me all riled up. Still, I hang on. “Know thine enemy.” This is what they look like:



As much as I hate the whole stinking shitpile of absurd nonsense, I know that this is God’s will for me to see it through to the end. The Republicans would have you believe that God speaks only to them, and that simply is not the case. God is a non-partisan booming voice in my head, and according to Him, I am to watch the Republican convention and not let my head launch off of my neck, as if it were rocket propelled. Sure is tempting, but no. That’s not my path. I am here to observe and form opinions, and to find new and exciting ways to use the words “boring as fuck”, "shameless liebags" and "obnoxious crapheads" in real sentences.

There is only one more night of the convention left. Up next? Sarah’s grandfather, Grampy, will tell war stories and making embarrassing noises. Everyone is nice about it, and they have cake afterwards. Except for Grampy, who will enjoy a delicious glass of Metamucil. Bottoms up, sir.

If I am not here tomorrow, it means that Satan took over and I set my head on fire. Wish me luck!

Senator Grampy Says, "Hey you kids - get off my lawn!"

From Huffington Post:

ST. PAUL, Minn. — John McCain's campaign on Wednesday angrily called for an end to questions about its review of Sarah Palin's background, deriding a "faux media scandal designed to destroy the first female Republican nominee" for vice president.

"This nonsense is over," declared senior campaign adviser Steve Schmidt in a written statement.

The statement stood out for its admission that Palin is under siege _ it condemns "this vetting controversy" _ and for its attempt to blunt questions about how rigorously McCain and his campaign explored the background of a candidate who may get the nation's second most powerful job.

Grampy, if there's one thing the press loves is a double-dog dare. Asking them to back off vetting a candidate (because you did not), is all the incentive they need to clean your clock, you old prick! These kids are going to throw balls in your yard all day, just to watch you spaz out. They are going to be everywhere - raiding your zucchini garden, tying cans to your dog's tail and soaping your windows ("GRAMPY IS A PEDO"). What a big mouth you have, Grampy.

Go ahead, old man - go crab at Sarah about this. Sarah Palin can call the cops all she wants! The cops think Sarah is a nutjob. If she thinks Officer Smiley is going to drop everything and run his ass over there, she's going to sit.and.wait.a.long.time.

Got that Grampy? Eat a dick!

John Prine - Hello In There

McCain Claims Sex Appeal

Meet Sarah Palin, Senator McCain's running mate. This is what a political Hail Mary pass looks like.