Thursday, September 25, 2008
McCain Delays Economic Rescue; Elaborates On The Length Of His Manhood
Sen. John McCain (R, AZ) suspended his presidential campaign September 23, 2008, citing an urgent need to visit Washington, DC, in order to spoil any measure of progress regarding the economic crisis in the United States. “I’m looking for a way to blame Democrats,” he said. McCain cautioned that even if his false allegations about the economy and Democrats are proven untrue, he was willing to put his manhood on the line. The candidate then called for an impromptu press conference to elaborate on the length of his manhood.
“My friends,” he said, “it seems ridiculous to me to waste the taxpayer’s time to talk about frivolous things like mortgage fraud and economic bail-outs, especially when the size of my penis is so extraordinarily small.”
“Like me, millions of men lack width and girth when it comes to the size of their penis. Personally, I have to use a cocktail fork to find my penis when I’m trying to use a urinal. Many American men do not have cocktail forks and are forced to urinate sitting down.”
“After this economic crisis is diverted, clearly without my help, I’m going to sign a bill that will provide cocktail forks to every home, in every state of the union. No man should pee sitting down unless it is his choice. As president, I am willing to promote penis-enhancement by offering $100 billion dollars in federal aid to scientific research devoted to enlarging American penises."
McCain answered journalist’s questions for three hours. He was asked about his plans to divert financial ruin.
“I will do whatever is humanly possible to delay a resolution.” McCain said that his advisers are certain he can interrupt progress indefinitely, and assured him that his penis is truly the smallest penis they have ever seen. McCain exposed himself to veteran journalist Helen Thomas, to prove his assertion. “I’ve seen newborn babies with bigger dingies,” Thomas said.
Later, McCain pulled down his pants for Anderson Cooper of CNN, all comers from The Wall Street Journal and one intern affiliated with The Sacramento Bee.
McCain said, “Of course I have ten cars. Obviously, I’m compensating for something.”
McCain plans to hinder serious discussions at the Hill on Friday by discussing his bowel movements, and intends to pass his removable dentures around the room, for laughs. More press conferences are anticipated.
Update - 1:50 PM, September 26, 2008
Sen. John McCain has reversed his decision to avoid a debate with Sen. Barack Obama. On Friday, McCain’s mother, Mrs. Roberta McCain, picked him up by the scuff of his neck and threw him back into the debate forum. “You get in there and finish what you started, crybaby.” She added, “Don’t you dare come bawling to me, or I’ll really show you what a whupping feels like.”
McCain was asked if he feels confident about his debating skills. “I’m going to blink a lot and clear my throat really loud when Obama is speaking. I think I can mess up his concentration.”
When asked if he is ready to speak candidly and answer direction questions, McCain made an obscene hand gesture towards reporters and said, “How’s that for an answer, jerk?”