Saturday, October 11, 2008

Palin Jumped The Shark, McCain Supports Obama

A legislative panel in Alaska has determined that Sarah Palin unlawfully abused her power by trying to have her former brother-in-law fired from his job as a state trooper. Earlier in the day Palin’s boss, Sen. John McCain, was booed at his own rally in Minnesota when he tried to tell an angry mob of rednecks that Barack Obama is not a terrorist and is probably a decent guy. Oh my.

First Point
Palin was investigated by her own people in Alaska; a quasi non-partisan group comprised of 4 Democrats and 10 Republicans. On paper Palin might owe a $5,000 fine for her unethical behavior and/or endure a mild wrist-slap. In reality Palin couldn’t be more of a drag. With elections only a few short weeks away, this news is devastating for Republicans – specifically to John McCain. To find out that the vice-presidential nominee is acting like a backwoods vigilante and relying on her creepy husband to act as her co-governor is...well – it’s a train wreck. This had to hurt the Republicans on the panel to even admit, but Sarah has jumped the shark, screwed the pooch and crapped the bed in record time. If they gave medals for political self-sabotage, Palin would win. Easy.

Second Point
McCain made a decision several months ago to employ racial tension and fear in an attempt to discredit Obama. In doing so, he has empowered the worst of us. The fringes of McCain’s support network have crawled out from under their rocks to be broadcast on YouTube, none of them afraid to keep their racist opinions to themselves. It’s chilling. McCain, unable to turn away from the ugliness he himself ignited, chose to admit that Obama is a decent man. When a presidential candidate has to quiet his mob and defend his challenger because of the potential for violence, it’s time for that candidate to hang it up. McCain is down in the polls, hard. His legacy is on the line. I’m not sure if his moment of clarity is based on integrity or a realization by McCain that he might be remembered as very despicable human being. You decide.

Final Point

Newsweek magazine published an article about Sarah Palin this week that infuriated her supporters. The photograph on the cover of the magazine is not airbrushed or enhanced. Palin’s caked-on make-up, crows feet, pores, blemishes and stray facial hair are on display for all to see. I thought to myself, “What an interesting take on the governor – completely unfiltered and honest. She actually looks like a real human being.” Apparently, her supporters do not feel the same way. They think it was a slam, or a way to mock Palin. “Everyone else gets airbrushed on magazine covers! This isn’t fair!” they said. Funny how when confronted with the real Sarah Palin, her fans are disappointed and feel slighted. I’d like to send my support to those people, and echo their sentiments and tell them I understand their pain because I’ve been very appalled by the real Sarah Palin for weeks.

I’m glad John McCain is ashamed of his campaign, at long last. But I can practically guarantee you that Sarah Palin probably never flinched.

This is no time to gloat. Please do something constructive, if you can.

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Friday, October 10, 2008

Palin Pre-Empts Ethics Probe, Clears Self

As a matter of fact, no - I’m not kidding.

From CBS News:

(CBS/AP) Trying to head off a potentially embarrassing state ethics report on GOP vice presidential nominee Sarah Palin, campaign officials released their own report Thursday that clears her of any wrongdoing.

Sen. John McCain's running mate is the subject of a legislative investigation into whether she abused her power as governor by firing her public safety commissioner.

Lawmakers are expected to release their own findings Friday, after Alaska's Supreme Court refused to shut down the investigation in a decision Thursday.

Palin is said to have investigated herself further and found evidence that she likes the color red, is afraid of clowns, and remains confident that John McCain is a drag on her ticket.

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Thursday, October 09, 2008

The Exploding Banana Mask

Want one? Me too! AHAHAHAHAHAAA!

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Bash Bush - Rejoice, The End Is Near!

In a few short weeks the United States is poised to vote George W. Bush out of office. I can barely contain my excitement – I’m like a kid in a candy store with twenty dollars from Dad. Beware my sugar rush! With that in mind, I decided to dedicate every Thursday to the worst president in the history of ever. Bash Bush Day at Mojopost begins today. Join me for a stumbling stroll down Memory Lane with our Dubya. Please feel free to share your Bush-related injuries and disorders here, among friends. Rejoice people, the end is near!

Quote Of The Day

"If you don't stand for anything, you don't stand for anything! If you don't stand for something, you don't stand for anything!" --George W. Bush, Bellevue Community College, Nov. 2, 2000

Bush Blooper Reel

I have secured the role as Official Whoo Whoo Girl to the end of this psychotic bullshit. Thank you for the appointment!

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Wednesday, October 08, 2008

Presidential Debate: Obama Victorious; McCain Stages A Massive Creep-Out

Obama nailed the second presidential debate like a president should, while John McCain made a concerted effort to prove that he truly is as creepy and condescending as he seems to be. I’ve listed the criteria and areas of competition any beauty pageant judge would rely on, applied them to the debate and here you go:

Obama: During the latest presidential debate, Obama was able to offer real solutions to problems in the US. He explained McCain’s health-care Ponzi Scheme like a pro. Obama set the right tone about Iraq, too. "When Sen. McCain was cheerleading the president to go into Iraq, he suggested it was going to be quick and easy, we'd be greeted as liberators," he said. "That was the wrong judgment, and it's been costly to us."
McCain: He made an ill-timed joke about hair-transplants and said, “I might need one of those myself.” There was something else about nailing Jell-O to the wall. Then there was the infamous “that one” remark. Ba-dum-bum, tinggg! No.

On-Stage Questions

Obama: He nailed them. Nailed. Them. Nailed. My home was full of (somewhat) dignified arm pumping. Obama nailed the economy, health care issues, the wars, rebuilding infrastructure and foreign affairs. Obama made a point to speak directly to the people in the audience while respecting their space. Personal space is an issue for me. So is eye contact. Eye contact is good, but too much feels like a confrontation. Obama had the right amount.
McCain: He made me feel like he wanted to sell me a used car that was retrieved from the bottom of a river. “Flood schmud – we put in all new upholstery and sprayed it for mold. Buy now! Save later!” McCain also has no personal space restrictions. When the town hall folks asked questions, McCain got right up in their grills. I hate it when old guys do that.

Lifestyle and Fitness
Obama: Looks very healthy and fit, has a gorgeous wife and two adorable kids, takes care of himself and preferred standing up instead of sitting down. He’s tall, dark and handsome. Big ears? Too many teeth? I think he’s fine. Put him next to the other guy and you have Usher facing off with Gollum.
McCain: For a 72 year-old fellow who has survived cancer on multiple occasions and suffered a long time in a POW camp forty years ago, he looks better than one might expect. More years to you, sir. Thank you for coming.

Poise and Presentation

Obama: Standing up, sitting down, walking around the auditorium and speaking to people – very wonderful. He answered his questions fully and followed up on McCain’s misleading comments, time restrictions be damned. Barack Obama is not afraid of a stopwatch or real questions, because he knows what he is talking about. He wouldn’t think of asking McCain to kiss his black ass, but I did.
McCain: No poise, lackluster, disingenuous presentation and undeniably creepy.

Final Comments
Over the weekend, McCain accused Obama of befriending terrorists and promoting radical religious viewpoints. It is worth noting that McCain had nothing to say about either of those issues to Obama’s face, in front of millions of viewers.

FYI - CNN’s post-debate poll. Is it me, or do you see two little girls moving into The White House come January?

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Monday, October 06, 2008

Register To Vote

Time slips away and sometimes we put off things. We love to put off things so much that we invented Snooze Buttons and In-Boxes with unlimited space. Be that as it may, voter registration deadlines are drawing near. OMAIGAHD HURRY.

Don't know if you can vote? Visit this national database to find out. Plug in the required info (name, location) and WAA-LAH. This site provides registration date deadlines, and tells you what kind of information to bring to get registered.

If you don’t register to vote, this is what’s going to happen:

A giant crater will open up underneath the toilet you are sitting on, as you’re making your morning poop. You, and the toilet you are sitting on, will be sucked into the crater. Firemen will have to pull you out of the crater, with a toilet attached to your business, and the video will go viral. Is that how you want to be remembered?

All of your friends will be wearing very cool “I Voted” stickers on November 4th. Everyone who votes gets a sticker. People who do not vote do not get stickers. People who do not wear the sticker may experience lightheadedness, impotence, hair growth on their tongues, female baldness, devaluation of bling, and persistent cynicism with foul-smelling vision. EEEEEIIII!

Register to vote. It's so much easier!

Visit your local Board of Elections on-line for more information. It’s FREE, FREE, and FREE!

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Palin - Priceless

Hunting, Trapping & Fishing License (Alaska)-------------$62
Kazuo Kawasaki Eyewear------------------------------------$900
Annual Ponytail-Bouffant Maintenance--------------------$8,000
Piper Cub Plane (with skis, used)-------------------------$100,000

Being Punked By Tina Fey Every Gosh Darn Week............PRICELESS

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Sunday, October 05, 2008

The New Retard

Once upon a time, people called each other “retards” or “retarded”. Only a decade ago it was not uncommon for people to tell retard jokes during Thanksgiving dinner or after staff meetings. Today, saying retard has become a social faux pas, to the point of being protested and rallied against. What happened to retard, and should we all make an urgent effort to ban this word from our vocabulary?

The flipside of the retard backlash is that this word has mutated into words used in common conversations. For example:


Those derivatives of retard are used on the Internet, Twitter and during coffee breaks at work. By transforming the word, is the re softened and the tard embraced?

Google, a reliable search engine, lists 962,000 results if one looks for “retard jokes”. Having sampled some of those sites personally, I discovered a pool of substandard humor interrupted by social activists, parents of mentally challenged children and actual retards who find this term insulting. Retard jokes are not what they used to be.

What do you think? You will advance to the bonus round if you misspell retard in capital letters as RTEARD, RETRDA or RATERD.

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