A radio DJ in Montreal called Sarah Palin and pretends to be French President Nicolas Sarkozy... For real!
Did you hear that? BWAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHA! She's going to kill baby seals with Sark!
Saturday, November 01, 2008
Friday, October 31, 2008
Guess who Barack Obama is going to be for Halloween? Sarah Hussein Palin, that’s who! Happy Halloween, folks. I am waiting for a scary story today. Sarah Palin was supposed to release her medical records earlier this week, but she still hasn’t forked ‘em over yet. My clock says it is 1:00 AM in Chicago on Friday. If anything leaks overnight, please accept my apologies.
I wonder if she poops her pants every time she sneezes? That’s not a huge problem, if you think about it. She could have a colostomy bag or diapers and everything could be contained. I could live with that.
Maybe she’s colorblind? She could mistake the ginormous red 3:00 AM phone for an environmentally friendly green phone, which she would never answer. Not good.
What if she has a learning disability? It would explain why she sounds so bug-fucking wrong every time she goes off the scripted path. That, my friends, is a problem.
On the other hand… What if Andrew Sullivan has a point? What if Sarah Palin has been pregnant four times, instead of five?
Thursday, October 30, 2008
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
You've gotta hear this song. Best Election Day drinking song I have ever heard, in the history of ever! Brought to you by my new favorite band, The James Rocket. Click and listen...
Donuts and Bacon
Somebody needs to sign these people up to a label. Visit their site - free tunes provided, donations gratefully enjoyed.
McCain campaign insiders are leaking more dirt than a busted Hoover bag. Oh yeah, baby. They hate Sarah.
Anonymous employees of Sen. Grampy are eager to vent to anyone who will listen.
“I’ve had it!” said an aide. “I’m supposed to be an advisor but I am knee deep in diapers and idiocy. Sarah Palin is embarrassing. How am I supposed to work with that? I'm not Annie Sullivan! I spend half of my time trying to keep Sarah's kids from setting fires and the other half beating my head against hard surfaces, trying to make myself pass out. No matter what I try and tell Sarah, she has a better idea. Why am I here?”
It gets worse.
“Yesterday, Sarah tried to make Nancy Pfotenhauer breast-feed Trig. Never mind how gross that is, but Nancy Pfotenhauer is like, I dunno, 60 years old. If she can squeeze-out a drop of anything remotely liquid, I’ll be the first one to call Ripley’s Believe It Or Not.”
“As soon as this election is over, I’m going to punch Todd Palin in the balls. We call a meeting, and there’s Todd. We make conference calls, and there’s Todd. John won’t even look at him anymore.”
“Mostly I hate John McCain. This whole thing is his fault. As soon as John loses this campaign I hope Cindy sends him divorce papers. These past two years are a smoking crater on my resume. Every potential employer is going to think I’m a moron or a racist, or something. I mean - come on! Have you seen the psychos at John’s rallies? Every day is Halloween, man. Fuck. This. I wish it was November 5th already.”
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
Sunday, October 26, 2008
Dear Undecided Voters:
How are you? Hope your family is well. I heard about your dilemma, and just wanted to say that I totally understand where you’re coming from and wanted to offer some help.
I empathize with you, Undecided. For instance, I can never make up my mind about take-out food on Friday nights. Do I want Chinese food or Thai? How about pizza? So many choices. I find it helpful to wait about an hour or two to make up my mind. By then, I’d eat my own leg as long as someone will bring it to me in a box, piping hot (with napkins and plastic forks).
The problem with waiting until the last minute to order take-out is that I tend to get a lot of dog food. If I can help you at all, Undecided, I might be able to make your choice for president really easy. Pretend that the presidential candidates are serving take-out food. No, really - it's easy.
This is the truth: John McCain is running a filthy slophouse. I liked the guy in 2000, but he let things go. The lady who answers the phone is an idiot. I had to repeat my order to her 500 times and she still got it wrong. McCain makes everybody wait an hour and a half for everything, and what do you get? A grimy bag full of fried hair and spaghetti sauce, and he forgot to include a side salad. Again. Man, it’s like he thinks I have no dignity. You couldn’t get me to go back.
McCain told me not to go to Barack Obama’s place, and now I know why. He’s freakin’ scared as hell of losing business.
Barack makes food that tastes great, arrives quickly and doesn’t cost an arm and (my) leg. Big O (that’s what the regulars call him) roasts a turkey dinner every day and the ice cream is free for kids. He has something on the menu almost everyone can eat. I like the food I’ve tried there (from breakfast bagels to meatloaf). Mmmm... If the Big O is a socialist, then so is my mother (who is from North Carolina, and they do NOT make socialists there). I mean, come on – Barack doesn’t hang out with terrorists or give people salmonella and abortions in the back, or anything like McCain said! What a jerk that McCain is.
Undecided, try Barack’s take-out, ask for my pal Joe Biden and they will totally hook you up with something warm and delicious. The prices are very reasonable. Have the pie, too. Apple is my favorite.
Enjoy Your Meal,
P.S.: Barack is open for breakfast and lunch, and will accommodate large parties on short notice.