Sunday, October 26, 2008

Undecided Voters Served Here

Dear Undecided Voters:

How are you? Hope your family is well. I heard about your dilemma, and just wanted to say that I totally understand where you’re coming from and wanted to offer some help.

I empathize with you, Undecided. For instance, I can never make up my mind about take-out food on Friday nights. Do I want Chinese food or Thai? How about pizza? So many choices. I find it helpful to wait about an hour or two to make up my mind. By then, I’d eat my own leg as long as someone will bring it to me in a box, piping hot (with napkins and plastic forks).

The problem with waiting until the last minute to order take-out is that I tend to get a lot of dog food. If I can help you at all, Undecided, I might be able to make your choice for president really easy. Pretend that the presidential candidates are serving take-out food. No, really - it's easy.

This is the truth: John McCain is running a filthy slophouse. I liked the guy in 2000, but he let things go. The lady who answers the phone is an idiot. I had to repeat my order to her 500 times and she still got it wrong. McCain makes everybody wait an hour and a half for everything, and what do you get? A grimy bag full of fried hair and spaghetti sauce, and he forgot to include a side salad. Again. Man, it’s like he thinks I have no dignity. You couldn’t get me to go back.

McCain told me not to go to Barack Obama’s place, and now I know why. He’s freakin’ scared as hell of losing business.

Barack makes food that tastes great, arrives quickly and doesn’t cost an arm and (my) leg. Big O (that’s what the regulars call him) roasts a turkey dinner every day and the ice cream is free for kids. He has something on the menu almost everyone can eat. I like the food I’ve tried there (from breakfast bagels to meatloaf). Mmmm... If the Big O is a socialist, then so is my mother (who is from North Carolina, and they do NOT make socialists there). I mean, come on – Barack doesn’t hang out with terrorists or give people salmonella and abortions in the back, or anything like McCain said! What a jerk that McCain is.

Undecided, try Barack’s take-out, ask for my pal Joe Biden and they will totally hook you up with something warm and delicious. The prices are very reasonable. Have the pie, too. Apple is my favorite.

Enjoy Your Meal,

P.S.: Barack is open for breakfast and lunch, and will accommodate large parties on short notice.

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Anonymous said...

what if I order a burrito and get a quesadilla? even if the price and service are excellent, how can you be sure you'll get what you're expecting?


Your friend, Rusty said...

Mojo, excellent analogy about the undecideds. I worry that most of these folks are what the pollsters charitably call "low information voters." I guess "cousin marrying knuckle-draggers" doesn't fit on the tally sheets.

Even most of the Republicans I know consider this one a "no brainer." The Palin choice cinched it for them. Most are voting Democratic for the first time in their lives.

Minnie-sota said...

I'm ordering up some apple pie with a dollop of vanilla ice cream on the side. But then, I've been decided for a long while.

Anonymous said...

I don't understand anyone who's undecided at this point. What the fuck are you waiting for? More hate from the Sean Hannity and his white supremacist friends? More propaganda from the far left about cutting ties to Israel because they're dangerous? Will any of this really change your mind? Jesus Christ on a bike!!!!! =)