Saturday, November 22, 2008

Board Game Poll Results

According to 55% of my readers, Trivial Pursuit is the best invention in the world. Trivial Pursuit is something they prefer over love, money and double cheeseburgers. Almost everyone who is anyone likes their colored pie! A close second? Scrabble came in at 25%.

Only one person voted for Carcassonne. One. Mostly likely a French Canadian. I see...

The new poll is "Are You A Vampire"? I don't know. Gosh, if you have to ask then the answer is kind of obvious. Duh!

An Etymologist's View Of The World

I saw this on Rachel Maddow’s show Friday night - An Etymologist's View Of The World. It’s a map anyone can recognize, but the names of cities and countries have been translated to their literal meaning in ancestral languages. Hang on a minute! I’m trying to tell you that this is as much fun as a mayonnaise jar full of critters. If you do nothing else today, click the etymology link.

WTF is an etymology? Merriam-Webster says:

1. The history of a linguistic form (as a word) shown by tracing its development since its earliest recorded occurrence in the language where it is found, by tracing its transmission from one language to another, by analyzing it into its component parts, by identifying its cognates in other languages, or by tracing it and its cognates to a common ancestral form in an ancestral language.

On the etymologist’s map, I found out that Chicago means Stink Onion, and Cancun looks like I Don’t Understand You. New York is fun - New Wild Boar Village. Stop playing! I love it.

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Friday, November 21, 2008

Attorney General Mukasey Collapsing

Oh, what a grim video. How could I post such a thing? Attorney General Mukasey collapsed during a speech at a dinner in DC.

Read about it here.

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Fatface Karl Rove Has Big Ideas For Barack Obama

And there it was on The Wall Street Journal, “Now Obama Has To Govern”, by Karl Rove. Oh, I read it all right. All sixteen blowhardy paragraphs. You know what it reminded me of? When my cat, Mrblz, is constipated and her turd emerges only halfway, she scoots her bottom on the floor to try and dislodge the offending dook. She leaves a trail on the tile that sort of looks like a Jackson Pollack painting on One Brown Marker Day. That is what Karl Rove’s article brought to mind: turd scrawl.

As you might already know, most people refer to Rove as Turd Blossom (his former boss gave him the nickname). The Mrblz connection to Rove was inevitable, really.

As for the article by Mr. T. Blossom – what can I say? No matter what he types, Rove always sounds like he’s channeling a puritanical school-marm who’s claim to fame is pinching children’s eyes when they misbehave. Some marms give time-outs, and other marms (Rove) prefer to blind children. “I bet you won’t pass notes in class again, will you Tommy?” he says.

Rove has big plans for President Elect Obama. As a former Bush administration imagineer, he gave his best advice. For example, Rove says that President Elect Obama must stop being so ambitious. Mr. Rove made careful plans to sabotage the US. Fix things? No, no, no. You will never succeed at being successful, so why bother? Kick back, cue up the closed-circuit Gitmo Cam and hang out.

Further, Rove said that Obama must stop listening to citizens. Specifically, Obama must stop texting people, close his Internet forum and get off his tech-savvy high horse. It is illegal, Rove says, because presidents are prohibited from listening to anyone. I got confused on that part. Was he damning technology or did he totally just sound like he was condemning witchcraft? Obama, dude – listen to me. Stay out of Salem because Rove has kindling wood and a lighter. Man, he totally thinks you’re practicing Dark Arts on the people.

I won’t even bother with the rest of the article. The gist of it is that Rove told the black man to lay low and quit casting spells on people.

I guess it’s hard to be irrelevant in the new world.

At last!

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Thursday, November 20, 2008

The Daily Beast Cheat Sheet Condensed - Vol. 2

At last, the Daily Beast Cheat Sheet condensed, for your busy schedule. It’s quicker, that’s why.

Al Qaeda Warns Obama
Ayman al-Zawahiri, the grand poobah of Al Qaeda, sent a mix-tape to Al Jazeera and guess what? He made a gangsta rap about President Elect Obama. A sample: “Bitches and ho’s/And House Negroes/F*ck Obama and the rest/Got my suicide vest!” See, Republicans? I told you he wasn’t rolling with A-Q. Whatever man, whatever.

Dow Plummets Below 8,000
We don’t need an economic wizard anymore. We need a diving bell!

Who Started The California Wildfires?

Ten 18 to 22-year-olds started the damn fire. They thought they put out their bong, but NO. Yes, they are going to jail. Do not pass Go, do not collect $200. Stupid, stupid, stupid.

Down With The Auto Bailout!
Word to the coddled rich and oblivious CEO’s: Never, ever land in DC on a private jet when you’re trying to shake down some moist, delicious corporate welfare dollars. May I get you a warm towel and salty nuts to shove up yourself sideways, sir?

-- -- --

Also, The Beast passed by something very gay and very important today. Again. Why? No on Prop 8 is the new black, Tina. For some weird reason, Stonewall doesn’t seem that long ago anymore either. Dream it, be it.

Top Court in California Will Review Proposition 8
What is it about civil rights and love that Prop 8 hates so much? Is all of that freedom and compassion on your last nerve, 8? In any case, a mobilized, committed and fiercely proud group is ready to kick some hater ass. Go California!

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Wednesday, November 19, 2008

The Daily Beast Cheat Sheet Condensed

Now you know why all blogs sound the same - The Cheat Sheet rules. Tina Brown will homogenize you all, and laugh and laugh and laugh… On the other hand, I can make it shorter and cut to the chase.

* Ted Stevens, an elderly felon from Alaska, failed to win his long-winded senate seat. Ted is famous for calling the Internet “The Tubes” and soliciting a bridge to nowhere. He got popped for taking bad donations. I would never do that.

* Eric Holder, a veteran Washington lawyer, is going to be Obama’s attorney general. Holder is the anti-Gonzales, in that he actually believes in the rule of law and read The Constitution more than twice. Girl – it’s like Christmas, but early.

* Texas Grand Jury Indicts Cheney, Gonzales
Dick (“Darth”) Cheney and former Attorney General Alberto (“Igor”) Gonzales have been indicted on separate charges stemming from alleged prisoner abuse in federal detention centers, CNN reports. Did I say early Christmas? I meant Christmas, Halloween and Memorial Day all wrapped up in one package. Savor it like Parmesan cheese. Nothing may come of this, per usual, but it will be fun to watch.

* Iran’s Nuclear Plant Set for 2009 Launch
Talk about truth in advertising. Iran is launching a nuclear plant, all right. A plant with GPS, aerodynamic tailfins and an American flag painted on the side, with a big red slash through it.

* Dems Spare Lieberman
In an unprecedented display of testicle-free decision-making processes, US Democrats spared turncoat Sen. Joe Lieberman from having his penis smacked with a ruler in the public square. Even though Joe called Obama a terrorist-loving Socialist pinko while campaigning for Grampy McCain! Can you smell my outrage?

* Sarah Palin’s $7 Million Book Deal
Here I am asking for donations in a slightly coherent manner, while that nitwit Sarah Palin is going to rake in millions for her coveted pop-up book for mouth breathers and douchebags. Oh yeah, I’m bitter. Who’s going to be her ghostwriter? Tina Fey, I hope. HAHAHA.

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Joyfully, Gratefully Receiving Donations

Dear Ladies and Gentlemen:

I don’t want a third party to come between us. For that reason, I have steadfastly avoided advertisements on my blog and we have enjoyed quick page-loads in pursuit of The Funny. We do cherish our Funtime here.

We’re in this together, you and I. I envision myself as a wall-eyed clown with an embarrassing itch on BYOB Day, and you would be my good-looking smart friend. From politics to life stories – it’s all here and it keeps happening.

I have added a new feature to my blog labeled “donations” and it has something to do with money. This button accepts credit cards, if one felt like throwing money into my hat. This hat is brand new from a garage sale. A tin can seemed wrong. The money will go straight into my bank account and I will use it on things like gas, food, clothing, and maybe even side dishes.

I will be here regardless of what you send and I receive, and I hope I can provide you with funtime for years to come. We still have a lot of ground to cover. I’ve been blogging since 2006, which means that I have many good years left in me. Stick around – it might be worth your while plus two sides of your choice.

Your Pal,

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Monday, November 17, 2008

G20 World Economy Summit Menu: Not Serving Bulk Ramen

Dear Dollar Menu Fans:

I thought you might like to know what the White House served for the G20 Summit On Financial Markets and The World Economy. Mmmm! They even thought about the right wines.

Did you know? Presidents pay for their own groceries while living in the White House. However, when the US hosts luncheons and state dinners U.S. taxpayers foot the bill.

As you were enjoying exactly three Chicken McNuggets and squirting packets of complimentary Arby's Sauce down your throat for nourishment, your leaders were dining on fruitwood-smoked Quail with Quince Gastrique, rack of lamb, baked Brie and $300 bottles of wine.

May I offer an alternative menu?

Dumpster-dived greens from behind Costco
Subway water soup
A microscopic fraction of Spam on Saltine crackers
Super-Target turkey loaf with the gravy of bourgeois tears
Ramen noodles served in the trunk of American cars
Sunny-D with Isopropyl Alcohol
One-eighth of a toasted marshmallow

Before you tie on your paper towel bib, a word from our sponsor.

Dig in, ya’all!

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