Wednesday, November 19, 2008
The Daily Beast Cheat Sheet Condensed
Now you know why all blogs sound the same - The Cheat Sheet rules. Tina Brown will homogenize you all, and laugh and laugh and laugh… On the other hand, I can make it shorter and cut to the chase.
* Ted Stevens, an elderly felon from Alaska, failed to win his long-winded senate seat. Ted is famous for calling the Internet “The Tubes” and soliciting a bridge to nowhere. He got popped for taking bad donations. I would never do that.
* Eric Holder, a veteran Washington lawyer, is going to be Obama’s attorney general. Holder is the anti-Gonzales, in that he actually believes in the rule of law and read The Constitution more than twice. Girl – it’s like Christmas, but early.
* Texas Grand Jury Indicts Cheney, Gonzales
Dick (“Darth”) Cheney and former Attorney General Alberto (“Igor”) Gonzales have been indicted on separate charges stemming from alleged prisoner abuse in federal detention centers, CNN reports. Did I say early Christmas? I meant Christmas, Halloween and Memorial Day all wrapped up in one package. Savor it like Parmesan cheese. Nothing may come of this, per usual, but it will be fun to watch.
* Iran’s Nuclear Plant Set for 2009 Launch
Talk about truth in advertising. Iran is launching a nuclear plant, all right. A plant with GPS, aerodynamic tailfins and an American flag painted on the side, with a big red slash through it.
* Dems Spare Lieberman
In an unprecedented display of testicle-free decision-making processes, US Democrats spared turncoat Sen. Joe Lieberman from having his penis smacked with a ruler in the public square. Even though Joe called Obama a terrorist-loving Socialist pinko while campaigning for Grampy McCain! Can you smell my outrage?
* Sarah Palin’s $7 Million Book Deal
Here I am asking for donations in a slightly coherent manner, while that nitwit Sarah Palin is going to rake in millions for her coveted pop-up book for mouth breathers and douchebags. Oh yeah, I’m bitter. Who’s going to be her ghostwriter? Tina Fey, I hope. HAHAHA.