Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Underpants Bomber: Umar and the Angry Inch

I had the flu once, and I had to throw out my mattress. Now I see how lucky I really am.

Umar the Underpants Bomber most likely burned his wiener off, but no one has said so. I can’t imagine he didn’t. We’re going to have to pay for his penis reconstruction, aren't we? I mean - we can’t just let it hang there. I wish Janet Napolitano could explain more.

This whole thing worries me. Not the terror part, because we can’t control extremists. It’s a fact we live with. No, what worries me is that some jerk is going to start packing tampons with plastic explosives. The fuse is already there! Or, what about a maxi-pad? You’ve seen the commercials – they can hold ten times their own weight of blue liquid. Plus, some brands have wings! If the terrorists ever get a clue about menstruation products, we are doomed.

Now what? Am I going to have to surrender my feminine hygiene products to the TSA? Those plastic bins are going to be full of mighty hell, is what I am saying, and I don’t care for it one bit.

First they came for your shoes. Then they came for your underwear. Dear Lord, do not let me stand still when they come back for my heavy-days.

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