Whoopty Freakin' Doo Awards - 2009

Mojopost proudly presents the Whoopty Freakin’ Doo Awards of 2009. Whoopty Freakin’ Doo’s are awarded for underwhelming performances and embarrassments, that amount to less bang/more whimper. See if your low expectations made our list!

Biggest Waste Of Time Ever

Twitter

Twitter is soon to be as culturally relevant as a CB radio. It is a diversion from meaningful relationships, invented by Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore, displayed in 140 characters or less (like this). #loser!

Giant Sucking Noise

Pres. Barack Obama

Hopey had a crappy summer (birthers, tea-baggers, and Cheney, oh my!). It got even worse when he won a Nobel Peace Prize. Rewarding the new kid too soon is always a bad idea. With the rest of his semester ruined, Pres. Obama will have no choice but to eat lunch with foreign exchange students in the cafeteria. Thanks a lot, Norway!

Epic Failure Of An Ill-Conceived Hoax

Balloon Boy

Everybody got sucked into the balloon, from NORAD to Wolf Blitzer. Everybody except for Falcon Heene, age 6. When it was discovered that Falcon's parents, Richard and Mayumi, staged the hoax to get a TV show, no one was more grateful than CNN. Every little drop of ratings juice counts!

Biggest Douchebag*

John Gosselin

We have never seen the reality program that used to feature Jon Gosselin, his ex-wife, Kate, or their eight children. But we do read the tabloids whenever we’re waiting in line at the grocery store. By all accounts, Jon is a middle-aged, balding chub who likes to put his penis into women other than his wife. When he is not putting his thing somewhere or another, he’s busy spending his children’s education fund on douchebag essentials like Ed Hardy shirts and hair plugs.

Runner Up - Octomom

Most Likely To Fake Remorse

Tiger Woods

Perhaps you’ve heard the jokes by now. “He’s no Tiger, he’s a Cheetah!” or, “Tiger Woods hit a tree and a bunch of women fell out.” The world’s greatest living athlete will now attempt to be very sorry about having extra-marital affairs with plenty of women, but we know better. He’s just sad he didn’t use a disposable cell phone.

* The term “douchebag” is a recipient of the Most Overused Characterization by Whoopty Freakin’ Doo at an earlier ceremony. Douchebag will be retired, and remain locked in a case alongside of Sheeple, Fucktard and Repukelican.

SOS Hillary

Wait - did you just hear that noise? It was like a giant SLUUURGHP combined with a THWUMP. That was the sound of government spooks and career diplomats shitting their pants and passing out at the same time. Foggy Bottom residents are farting whistles from their tight behinds, in anticipation of things to come. Welcome aboard the Obama Soul Train, future Secretary Of State Hillary Clinton! YAY YAY YAY!

Talk about a shifting paradigm… Those sock-suspender wearing, double parked diplomats with a throat full of Bush splooge are having one transient ischemic attack after another. Oh noes! Here comes Hillary! Quick – pretend like you’re reading The Diplomat’s Handbook. Act like you’re attempting to negotiate things! Hurry!

I’m so tickled for the US right now. What a dream team Obama is selecting! I always knew Hillary would be on the 3:00 AM phone call. Hillary’s appointment scares the crap out of The People Who Think They Know Everything. With their craptastic record on weapons of mass destruction and foreign affairs, what can I say? They are so fucked. All of them. So very, very fucked.

Congratulations, Hillary! WHOOOOOOO! Hello world, we are staging a comeback. Please come to our party! We love you!

I’m so happy. I look like the Cheshire Cat on Sudafed. AHAHAHHAAAAAAA!

HAHAHAHHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!
AHAHAHAAAAAHAHAHHAAAAAHAHAA!

Obama, Socialism and You

With all of this talk about Barack Obama being a “socialist”, I just don’t know what to do with myself. Land sakes Sally, that reminds me of a few other socialists I know.

Here are my Top 5 Socialists In The History Of Ever:

SANTA CLAUS



A chronic redistributor of wealth. Delivers toys to all children, even kids who have parents that don’t read the Bible or work.





NORMA RAE

Union, schunion! It’s like they think they deserve a livable wage and bathroom breaks. Get back to work, Pinko!

Norma Rae | Movies & TV | SPIKE.com

JESUS CHRIST


What a hippy. The beard is the first clue. He was all like, “Rich people are going to have a hard-assed time getting to Heaven!,” and “Go in peace.” Did Jesus grow up in a commune or what? All that encouragement about low taxes, universal health care and spreading the wealth is suspect. Plus, he hung out with some sketchy people – some of them were homeless and had open sores.








CANADA


What a bunch of socialist-loving, poutine eating slobs. Everyone in Canada is forced to enjoy donuts, drink beer, and play hockey. What if they don’t feel like it? Too bad! For the last time, NO – you may not wage war and be a capitalist, and stop asking. Shut up and eat your cruller, eh!




COCA-COLA



Check out their theme song lyrics:

“I'd like to teach the world to sing
In perfect harmony
I'd like to buy the world a Coke
And keep it company
That's the real thing.”


In a Coca-Cola World, everyone is forced to sing the same song over and over. They would all live in the same bio-dome, eat the same food and absolutely no one gets ahead because they are forced to be equal. It’s sickening. You should write to them.

Socialism? Whatev!

Obama’s Grandmother Ailing; Supporters "Have His Back"

HAWAII (Mojopost) – Senator Barack Obama has revised his campaign schedule for this Thursday and Friday so he can visit his ailing grandmother, Madelyn Dunham, in Hawaii. Mrs. Dunham is 85 and gravely ill.

Obama’s supporters are proud of his decision to join his grandmother at her bedside, because that is what decent people do.

In his absence, Obama’s surrogates will make telephone calls, motivate their friends, deliver speeches, upload videos, contribute to his campaign and send their well wishes to his family during this difficult time. Neighbors help out neighbors.

Keep Running For The Finish Line

How many times have to had to go to work on a Friday, expected to leave at 5:00 but you ended up working overtime because the poop hit the fan at 4:30? You didn't leave before your job was finished, did you? Me too. Right on. Check out Barack Obama:



You might not be able to see it in the video, but those people in New Hampshire were standing in the rain. And yet they came, and they stood their ground. They did not give an inch and neither will we. Volunteer, if you can. IT MATTERS!

The Presidential Debate Smackdown Game

HOFSTRA UNIVERSITY, HEMPSTEAD, NY - Tune in Wednesday evening for the final presidential debate between Barack Obama and John McCain. While you’re there, enjoy a game with your friends and family. Here are the rules:

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Every time John McCain mentions Bill Ayers, slap the nearest Pinko to your left.

Every time Barack Obama says “more of the same”, find the oldest person in your group, forcefully remove their dentures and throw them out the window.

Every time John McCain says “my friends”, grab the tongue of the person to your right and twist.

Every time Barack Obama smiles at a bad McCain analogy, pretend you are Moe from The Three Stooges, yell “WOOB WOOB WOOB” and invite your neighbor to punch you in the face.

Every time John McCain mentions terrorism, set off an M-80 in the toilet and run like hell.


Every time Barack Obama brings up the economy, find an MBA in your group and punch them in the neck.

If Republican cronyism comes up, go hog wild and beat the crap out of anything you can reach.

When in doubt, Primal Scream.

For other debate related games click here, and here.

LL Cool J – Mama Said Knock You Out*


*Alecia, remember when we met LL and he was so pretty? Me too.

Top 10 Presidential Debate Highlights

Sen. John McCain (R, AZ) un-suspended his presidential campaign to debate Sen. Barack Obama (D, IL) on Friday evening. This was the first of three presidential debates. The moderator was Jim Lehrer, of PBS. In case you missed anything, here are the Top 10 Presidential Debate Highlights…

10. McCain invited children from the audience to pull his finger. Unfortunately, McCain inadvertently pooped his pants during his third attempt.

9. Always the peacemaker, Obama gave McCain a new Blackberry. McCain was disappointed to find out that he couldn’t use his Blackberry to play 8-track tapes. “I really miss Dr. Hook,” he said.

8. Obama challenged McCain to make nice paella. McCain refused and said he was opposed to preparing “Socialist Rice”.

7. The crowd went wild when Obama pop-locked during “Rockit”, by Herbie Hancock.

6. McCain got a cramp in his Ahmadinejad. Thank goodness for Blue Goo.

5. Obama scored points pronouncing Ahmadinejad correctly and said, “Ahmma talk to him later.”

4. During commercial breaks, Jim Lehrer talked to the crowd about partying at Chateau Marmont, and explained the difference between doing 8-balls and rolling on E.

3. Everyone loved McCain’s war stories. Especially his anecdotes about Vietnamese hookers.

2. When asked about his health-care plan, McCain distributed vitamin C and antibiotic ointment to the audience, and encouraged Americans to, “…stop whining.”

1. The crowd went wild when Obama gave piggyback rides to the entire front row.

Top 10 Reasons Why McCain Has Suspended His Campaign

Sen. John McCain (R, Has Been) temporarily suspended his presidential campaign in order to form a coherent thought about the economic crisis in the US. McCain was scheduled to debate Sen. Barack Obama on Friday, the first of three presidential debates, but he can't make it because he's terribly busy. The topics to be debated were foreign policy and national security. The presidential elections take place on November 4th, 2008.

TOP 10 REASONS MCCAIN IS AVOIDING A DEBATE WITH OBAMA

10. His mail-order prescription of Cialis will arrive Friday afternoon.
9. The debates conflict with all-you-can-eat night for seniors at Golden Corral.
8. Studying the Bush Doctrine with Chuck Norris. Lost valuable time complimenting Chuck’s new hair plugs.
7. Recently discovered that his copy of “World Leaders” is from 1977. D’oh!
6. Friday is Sarah’s day off. His expense reports have not yet been submitted and he will be busy answering his own phone.
5. Decided that a photo-op in DC was better than no photo-op at all.
4. If John McCain can spend five and a half years as an imprisoned POW in Vietnam, Barack Obama can wait five damn minutes for a crappy debate.
3. Still isn’t sure if where to find Pakistan on a map. Africa or South America? Too many choices.
2. Poker night with his biker buddies from Sturgis. That bottle of Jack ain’t gonna drink itself!
1. Two words: swollen prostate.

Elastica - Stutter

Barack Obama's Latest Book: JARS FULL OF BEAT-DOWN

I can't wait to order a copy!






















Last I checked, a jar of beat-down costs about a dollar. Obama raised enough money in August to open 66 million delicious jars of You Got It Coming between now and November 4th.