Wednesday, January 07, 2009

Unemployed? We Can Work It Out

















I thought I read the number wrong, so I blinked and rubbed my eyes. When I refocused on the unemployment rate, it never gave an inch. More than 8.7 million people in the US are unemployed. The way I see it, we’ve got to fix this hot mess in real time, fast. But how?

First, we are going to get happy. That one is a major hurdle, but I think we can work it out. Second, I will commit to posting job listings once a week from assorted cities and Third, we are going to get through this.

GET HAPPY
If you are an unhappy and unemployed person, you run the risk of jumping in front of a speeding dump truck or committing a robbery. Look at me – right in the eyes. DO NOT! You are too pretty for a closed casket and you are not cut out for jail. Yes – of course money would make you happy. In lieu of cash, I’m going to ask you to think of something that makes you happy. Me? I visit the local animal shelter and take puppies for walks. Oh yeah – I said it! I am so unashamed. But you are different. You require effort and creativity. Do you know what makes you happy? Tell me. You and I will try and put more of that into your day. It makes me happy to help you. Thanks for that chance.
JOB LISTINGS
Florida
Orkin Pest Control - Lawn Care Supervisor
Have you ever watered a lawn, or directed other people on the finer points of lawn watering and pest control? Here’s your big break.

Louisiana
Ochsner Health System - Receptionist
Are you able to use a phone? Do you know what a computer is? Are you able to be nice to people? If your answer is yes and you have a high school diploma, get a J-O-B with a health care provider and receive awesome benefits. Act now!

Hawaii
DFS Hawaii – Sales Support
People with a strong back and good math skills are encouraged to apply. If you have ever seen a warehouse, you could probably do this job. Work in paradise and stimulate the economy! What are you waiting for?
GET THROUGH THIS
In a former life I was a Human Resources person. What this means is that I am able to separate the wheat from the chaff when it comes to resumes. I can smell a shine-job from about a hundred bazillion miles away – as far as Saturn, at least. I was the person who interviewed you and I am scary good at it. If you need a hand with your resume and cover letter, or pointers on interviews, perhaps I can help. Let me know! I’m serious!
Further, I think you look wonderful today. Let’s dance.

The Beatles – I Want To Hold Your Hand



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33 comments:

J9 said...

You offered to help all sorts of random readers, so I sent my resume to your yahoo address (listed to the right).

Mojopo said...

I will read it ASAP. Glad to help. Let me know if the advice was helpful. Good luck!

Anonymous said...

Mojo, support children work (something for J9) would be wrong!

LV

Mojopo said...

LV? I'm sorry - huh? Children work? Please, if I may ask, explain what you mean. Sometimes I am dense.

anony tu said...

My sweet ass, is there anything this blog can't do?! No, there isn't!

I am seeking employment as a mummifier trainee. I have no previous experience but I'm a fast learner and am absolutely slap happy about mummification. I have brown eyes that work, wash my hands at least twice a day, and my teeth are real. My ultimate goal is to earn enough money prior to my death to be mummified. You can help, yes?

Anonymous said...

look at j9 pic! I see a child. and you're helping her/him to get a job!

LV

P.S. Have a nice dreams. Today is my first work day after winter vacations and had a very strange dream ...

anony tu said...

Mummification Update:

Mummification has not even cleared the chute. That is, if you are one of the less than .5% who supports mummification, you have no friends here, move along. On the other hand, if you are one of pawns who would enjoy having your loins turned and roasted on a spit, you'll probably find your lifelong mate here. It's very depressing.

a.t. said...

Oh. And if you'd like to donate some organs, just drop them in the bucket by the door.

an.t. said...

Also, before I forget, I'd like to add to my resume that I know the lyrics to a bunch of Beatles songs by heart.

an. t. said...

I feel lucky.

Mojopo said...

Anony T has been hired. I am sending him/her to the warden's office, post haste. It can do great things with the library.

About mummification: I am a strong advocate. It all started with my weird babysitter, when I was a child. She made me memorize The Book Of The Dead and I lasted through hours of playing Nile. It is because of her that I developed a fondness for cadaver preservation, and all of the wacko books she made me read about those smarty-pants Egyptians. And looky-thar - 6,000 years later and we still cannot shut up about them. Impressed? Lots!

A random psychic once told me that I was an Egyptian scribe in a former life (when I say "random", I mean that she picked me out of a crowd). Get out! OMFG. She told me that I was dicking around with hieroglyphics and failed to notice that the entrance to the pyramid was being sealed. I died suffocating in that life (or so the psychic said - but she smelled like booze).

Perhaps this is why I was spooked by closets as a kid? Perhaps.

Mojopo said...

I love The Beatles. This is the best blog ever!

an.t. said...

Goes me to bed, soon, Ms Mojo, but first, a little advice, please. On interview techniques:

1. Will it make a good impression if I show up for the interview with a fruit basket for the interviewer?

2. Will it be too presumptuous of me to show up with the company logo tattooed to my neck?

3. Perhaps I'm a bit anxious. Will three 200ml. oxycontin and a bowl of hashish before the interview help? If not, what would be the correct dosage then?

4. The interviewer will be impressed if I am able to give her personal information about herself like her home phone number, what she wears to bed, and her social security number, yes?

5. Lastly, is it appropriate to discuss hobbies like lawn peeing and ass worship on the first interview or should I wait for the call back?

Thanking you in advance for your advice!

Anonymous said...

I'm HIRED?!!! Well blow me down with a meat mallet! I love library things!!!! And there's no rough fisting going on in THAT cellblock!

Mojopo said...

Anony - let's just lay this out on the line. If you show up for a job with a fruit basket, and the job is not fruit related, people will take it from you and laugh, and laugh and laugh. Thank God for you! Personally, I would invite you back for a second interview just to see what you can do with cheese and crackers. I get hungry around 3:00 (FYI).

If you show up with corporate logo tats, chances are good that someone in HR will run your SS# through a search engine. What they are looking for is a record of arrests - specifically, stalking. Also, how does an unemployed person afford tattoos? Stop being so suspicious.

Always show up for a job with clean pee. Hopefully it is your own pee. Why risk a dicey drug test? On the other hand, most pre-employment drug tests are looking for evidence of pot, speed, coke and alcohol abuse. Oxy hardly ever factors in. Almost never, unless you are looking for a job with Gobama. He checks everything!

If you are able to relate personal information to the interviewer about their own lives, expect a short interview and escort out of the building by two rent-a-cops. Remember, you are not in the business of knowing about your interviewer. You are supposed to know job-related stuff. Memorize an annual report instead.

Mentioning lawn-peeing or ass worship is sketchy. You will need to feel this one out. If an interviewer asks you about your urination habits, I'd say go for it. Otherwise, pretend you are into volunteering, athletics and/or a book club.

Minnie-sota said...

Mojo, thank goodness you are still writing blogs, so I am not out of work as at blog commenter. :-)

an. t. said...

Wow! You really ARE a human resource expert! Now I know why you're you and I'm me! I would have blown the shit out of that interview!!!

Anonymous said...

Mummification Update:

Attention people. Mummification has cleared the chute. Repeat. Mummification has cleared the chute.

Analysis:

Analysts are accounting a 2.5% rise of Mummification in the poll to a link to a site that focuses on the positive aspects of mummification left by an anonymous source at Mojopol. The "mummy site," as they are calling it, presents mummification not only as a reliable means of interment but one that is chic. As one of the three most popular burial means in America alongside cremation and proper burial, mummification is no doubt the least popular yet it is the most expensive. This, analysts say, makes mummification appeal to the very rich who can afford it. They are calling it a "vanity purchase." Mummification detractors, however, refer to this as "snob appeal" and say that the sudden trend toward mummification will soon go the way of luxury SUV purchases in America. Also aiding the sudden rise in the poll is the appearance a cuddly stuffed animal called the "Mummy Bear" which makes the thought of spending one's eternity as a mummy seem almost homey to consumers, analysts say. In spite of the upturn toward mummification, however, it is still far behind the more conventional means of interment, cremation. In fact, it is seven points behind cremation. The real surprise is that mummification is leading proper burial in the poll. One analyst explains that this fact doesn't so much reflect the popularity of mummification as much as it reflects that of cremation, proper burial's main competition. Asked if mummification may beat out both proper burial and cremation in the long run, the poll's founder, Ms Mojo Po, said, "No, not likely. Never has before. You have to understand that most of the people that respond to this poll are stay at home, wallflower types. Mummification is just a little too edgy for them." Asked to explain, then, how cremation is running ahead of the more traditional proper burial, Ms Po says, "Well, you have to remember that cremation has been fighting for recognition as a respectable way to go for over two decades now as opposed to mummification which has only now begun to appear in American culture. For a lot of people, cremation IS proper burial now, while mummification is... ...just weird to these conservative types." Another surprise is that mummification, although it is behind organ donation in the poll, is still within three points as of the time of this report. Asked how that could be happening, Ms Po said, "Many of the people who regularly participate in my poll have done horrible, unspeakable things in their lives. Organ donation is for many of these people a way to make up for that, I think. It's sort of like 'if you can't do anything good in life, do something good in death'."

For NPR news, this is Sylvia Poo-jolly.

Anonymous said...

I need a job that doesn't require lifting, bending or other physical labor. In otherwords, I need a cushy desk job. Can you help please Ms Mojopo?


\\Speedy//

Your friend, Rusty said...

Mojo, the scary numbers don't even include people like me. My freelance work has dried up and I'm not even eligible to collect unemployment.

(and thanks for the Beatles.)

J9 said...

MoJo, you are truly a saint! Now I have to go learn some weird thing I will never have to use.

Anonymous said...

I'm like Rusty. Freelance is down the tooooobs. Could I get unemployment or govmint if I had a baby? Imma have to start a new bidness. Instead of mummification, I shall go into cryogenics. I'm pretty sure I can freeze people in my basement right now.

Beave

NurseHeather said...

Luckily, I chose Nursing. No shortage of work here. Maybe everyone should be a nurse! Probably not a great idea, though. I know way too many nurses who shouldn't be, and so many people who tell me they couldn't do my job. Lol.

a. t. said...

We must all learn to perform tasks that please the wealthy. They will let us live if we are useful. Also, we should attempt to emulate them as much as possible, as it amuses them very much to see this, sort of the way average people are amused when chimpanzees do human-like things. (Who doesn't love a cigar smoking chimp?) Therefore, we should all buy something we can't really afford, at least one item, and we should do this even if it means our kids eat nothing but macaroni for the next three weeks. These little tokens, something small and Gucci, or even an imitation Rolex, are very important to the psyches of the rich. It let's them know how much we'd like to be them but can't be. And who knows, it may entice them to trickle on us, as is the philosophy of trickle down economics. BUT, REMEMBER, the wealthy will NOT trickle on us if we piss them off! We've already taken one big risk by electing a non-caucasian, Muslim president from an exotic land. Let's not push it too far people -- nothing tightens up the collective urinary tract of the rich more than civil disobedience!

Okay, so make it the first line on your to-do list for every day from here to eternity: PLEASE THE RICH.

Hmmm, it just occurs to me that my post actually encompasses the entire Bush economic policy in a nutshell. I like nutshells, do you?

NurseHeather said...

P.S. - Hi Beave, Rusty, Minnie, and Mojo! Miss you guys!! :)

looking for employment said...

yes thinking of something happy is a good way to help you get over the sorrow of being unemployed


at least it is until you get a bill for something.

a. t. said...

Egads! Mummification has pulled forward into a tie with Donate Organs! The tension is killing me!!!

Go, Mummy, Go!

a.t. said...

Go, Mummy, Go! We Want Our Mummy!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yUfNBQWIo0w&feature=related

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HU2Q9JVJi50&feature=related

Anonymous said...

Myip, myip, myip.

a.t. said...

Oh GO! MUMMY GO! Lookit! Mummification has pulled ahead of Donate Organs and is closing in on Cremation!!!!

Mojopo said...

I CAN'T STAND THE PRESSURE!

Oh - let me get myself together. Hello, J9! Happy to chip in. Help me wish better days for freelancers, won't you?

Hello world plus Anony - thanks for showing up. God bless your morbid souls!

Mojopo said...

Dear Looking For Employment:

You can elect to ignore your mail OR you can open a vein. Me? I'm going to try and think of ways to crawl of out this. Please come.

Further, I am going to help Beaver steal the frozen head of Ted Williams. Her basement is as frigid as Terri Hatcher. It is a trusted facility.

Dreadfully Unemployed said...

I appreciate you trying to lighten the situation with humor. I really do, however being laid off twice, having to sell my house and move halfway across the country so my wife can take a job that will not pay all our bills just keeps me from laughing. Before you offer to help you should know I spent 9 years in the auto lending industry, employers won't touch me with a ten foot pole.