Friday, November 14, 2008

Birthdays Mean Our Parents Had Sex



Exactly nine months and 41 years ago, my parents had sex. If one were to count backwards by nine months, it is rather obvious that my father came home with flowers and chocolates on Valentine’s Day in 1967. And then look what happened: me. Me the last of six, and a yearly reminder that my parents are capable of sexual activity. My eyes burn.

I wish it were the last time I could accuse them of marital duties, but no. There were those odd times in the day I would be encouraged to go play, come home later for a snack to find the door locked and the shades drawn. No matter how hard I pounded on the door, even though I knew my folks were home, there was always a ten minute delay. It never seemed gross to me then, like it does now, because I thought my parents were napping.

Every year in my hometown there is a summer fair. One can visit the dime-toss, have a handful of fresh cotton candy or take a ride on a Tilt-A-Whirl. When I was a kid back in the 70’s, the world was my oyster during the fair because Dad always sent me off to enjoy life with a crisp $10 bill. One year the prices changed and that $10 got me through about an hour’s worth of fun-time. My sister Gail told me to go home and get more scratch from Pop, and off I went. “La la la, I hope I get five bucks…IhopeIhopeIhope…”

When I got home, the door was locked. So I knocked harder. All of the lights were off and I thought my parents accidentally locked the door and went to sleep, which seemed unusual to me because it was only 6:00 at night.

“DAAAAAAAAD, I need more MONEEEEEY,” I yelled. No one came. Feeling rejected and because I wanted a corn dog, I started kicking and pounding on the door. Still nothing. So I walked to the side of my parent’s house where their bedroom is. “MOOOOOOOOOOOOOM, unlock the door, please! Tell Dad I need more MONEEEEEY.”

Seconds later my father came to the door wearing nothing but pants. “How much?” he said. And he only cracked the door open. He wouldn’t let me in. I said, “I dunno. How much can I have?” Come on, I wasn’t stupid. What was I going to say? “Oh father, if I could have one dollar I’ll give fifty-cents to the church and spend the rest on prosthetic limbs for diabetics.” Not likely.

Something miraculous happened. He gave me a $50 bill. I never had my hands on one of those before. It was stunning! I said, “$50? I think you made a mistake, Dad. That’s a lot of dough!” I’ll never forget what he said next. “You can have $50 if you don’t come back until 10:00.” Deal! Thanks Pop!



I ran back to the fair and found my sister. I showed her the money and her eyes fell out and rolled around on the grass.

Years later it dawned on me what had happened that night. It’s a good thing my Pop got fixed after I was born. I would have hated being a middle child.

Timing is everything.


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26 comments:

Anonymous said...

Happy birthday!

LV

Mojopo said...

Thank you, LV!

Anonymous said...

are u having a big party today?

LV

Mojopo said...

You know what? I have absolutely no idea what I'm going to do today. Whatever I feel like doing when I wake up, is the plan. I have the day off, laundry is done and Dad sent me a check. Anything could happen.

Anonymous said...

then, have a great day!

LV

Anonymous said...

Did your dad send you $50 again? =)

LV

Mojopo said...

LV, he upgraded for inflation. YAY DAD!

Minnie-sota said...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!

Hahahahaha, that was a great story. Just think about my parents. I'm the 2nd oldest of seven. Hehe. The last one was born in your birthday year, 1967. Must have been a banner year.

Anonymous said...

Egad WOMAN!!!! It's hard enough to fathom my own folks having Valentine's sex...but yours too!!??

Funny....Oddly...My Folks had 5 kids....#1, 3, & 5 are all Valentine Babies...Mom must of Loved her BOX O CHOCOLATE!!! :-)

Friends for eternity...Or until Jesus comes...
~lil~

Your friend, Rusty said...

Happy Birthday Mojo.

And this is totally disrespectful on my part but, paying off a kid 50 bucks to have sex with his own wife? Until 10 PM? Yowsa and good on your mom.

Meffle said...

Everything was fine until you posted the picture. Geez! Now I have to go bleach my brain. Not because of the older folks doing the horizontal hula. Hell, I'm in that age group myself now. The folks in the pic are not my parents, but I could not help, as I read this post, but supplant my own parents into the picture. YUCK, YUCK, YUCKERS!

I am the youngest of 5. My mother was preggers 12 times! (Yes, 7 miscarries.) Why are you making me think about this? Are you a republican bent on vengence?

Here's my two parents-as-sexual-beings stories.

1) When I was about 10 years old, I had a conversation the the other 10 year-old girls on my block during which I INSISTED that even if their parents had sex, MINE DID NOT! Afterall, they had already warned me to keep my privates private so if I had to, obviously they had to too, right?

2) My father strictly forebade children in the marital bed, which is to say we were not allowed in it when he was home. However, we'd gotten into the habit of gather there with my mom on Sunday morning after my father had gone to church (he was the organist). One Sunday morning, he was running a little late and surprisingly, he did not run us off when we (my brother, sister and I) clamored into their bed. I was about 15 or 16 at the time -- old enough to know about sex but not old enough to have done it. Well, as we chatted, my dad put the finishing touches on his Sunday-go-to-meetin' clothes. It was when he was tying his Windsor knot that I saw it - a Trojan wrapper right their between his pillow and my mom's pillow. Well, I jumped on that thing and slid it under the pillow as if I'd left it there myself. I'm 52 now and I'm still traumatized by thinking about it.

Thanks alot Mojopo

Anonymous said...

I can remember as a child walking in on my folks going at it. It still makes me feel ooky. Ewwwww!!! Although I still tease them about it once in a while.... =)

\\Speedy//

Anonymous said...

Oh and I forgot.... Happy birthday Mojopo!!! I hope you have a wonderful day!!

\\Speedy//

Anonymous said...

Oh and I forgot.... Happy birthday Mojopo!!! I hope you have a wonderful day!!

\\Speedy//

Minnie-sota said...

See, this is why I love Mojo. We come to her site to wish her Happy Birthday and she gets us all to say, "Ewwww" or "yucky." Hahaha.

Pugs said...

Happy Birthday, Mojo! Hope you make tons of great memories this year.

jennmcq said...

Yay! Happy Birthday! :)

I'm an April Fool's Day baby. I can hear it now...

"Hey Krystal... is it naptime yet?" (wink, wink; nudge, nudge)

"No rabbit, I have a headache - (walks back to bedroom; wink, wink; nudge, nudge) April Fools!"

I think the biggest difference between your parents and mine is that they didn't lock the door. And I don't just mean the front door... I mean their BEDROOM door.

You see, my parents took a nap every Sunday afternoon. And yes, one fateful Sunday led to many a sleepless nights for me. The image of my parents fornicating burned forever in my corneas.

Of course I was traumatized. I hopped on my bike crying and went to Grandma's house. She didn't help. She tried to calm me down by telling me that she and Grandpa still do it at least once a month.

EWWWWW!!!

Anonymous said...

Happy birthday Mo, all the best!

Catarina

Minnie-sota said...

Ya, know. All those stories of adults and Grandparents doing it give me hope. Of course, the stories are not about my relatives.

skeeter said...

happy happy happy birthday and thanks for the retina burn.

Anonymous said...

Happy Happy B'day!!!
MOJOPO...

Hope you are having a Wonderful evening a nice bday dinner and a Yummay cake!Here's a toast to the Bday girl for a Wonderful year ahead! :)
Your pal,
Nikki

Yvette said...

This is one of your funniest ever!
Happy Birthday!

Anonymous said...

haaha that was both funny and eeww Mojo

anywhoo have a blast today, and let this year be full of crazy funny things!

Feliz cumpleaƱos :) and a big hug!

-bren/duh

Mojopo said...

Bust my buttons - would you look at this? Thank you from the bottom of my enlarged heart! I think my mother and father would most appreciate the applause, but they still don't know I blog or write because they don't approve of the Internet. It's true! Which is OK - that means I get to talk about them without any fear of revenge.

Let freedom ring!

Thanks for the kindness one and taking the time to drop in. I'm very grateful for the well wishes and to feed your eyeballs with stuff to read.

Torrance said...

Mojo! I am late but HAPPY BIRTHDAY!! Your story made me pee a little bit. :)

Cloan said...

"Feeling rejected and because I wanted a corndog..."
LMAO!
I really love the way you write. I also like how the little girl version of you talks like a basballcard-trading brooklyn boy. Very hip.
(and I still feel like an ass.)

Happy Belated Birthday, Mojo!