Wednesday, October 01, 2008
Palin Preparing For Thursday Debate, Enjoying A Quiet Nervous Breakdown
SEDONA, AZ (Mojopost) - Republican Vice Presidential candidate Sarah Palin is at Sen. John McCain's ranch in Sedona, AZ preparing for a debate on Thursday with Democratic Vice Presidential nominee Joe Biden. Mojopost has tried to confirm the cramming of information by Palin, but calls to McCain’s ranch were not returned. Palin has not been permitted to speak to the press since her unfortunate implosion last week, during an interview with CBS Evening News anchor Katie Couric. A representative of Mojopost (me) used a stand-by ticket to fly to Sedona from Chicago, in order to peek inside the windows of the ranch, eavesdrop on Palin and observe the McCain ranch culture.
According to my observations, Palin stormed outside of McCain’s ranch compound no less than four times in 10 hours. Each time Palin ran screaming from the patio doors, she was seen kicking trash cans and bumming cigarettes from the gounds-keepers (Juan Pablo and Hector). Twice I observed her praying on bended knees, and overheard her asking God to “…please send Katie Couric to hell, along with those bastardly debate coaches and their asshole ideas.”
At the eleventh-hour mark Palin walked quietly outside, crouched into a fetal position and rocked back and forth. She said, “I can do this. You betcha, I so totally can do this,” and, “no I can’t and I rilly, rilly hate this. Such bullshit!”
Palin was coached back inside the compound by an armed guard and Karl Rove. I have observed Rove partaking of cigars that smell like marijuana, commonly known as a “blunt”. On one occasion, he masturbated on an SUV and cried.
I left Sedona shortly after that incident and washed my eyeballs with a mixture of vinegar and baking soda.
PBS anchor Gwen Ifill will be the debate moderator on Thursday. Ifill broke her ankle on Monday while reading debate materials and walking down a set of stairs, prompting conspiracy theorists to wonder if Ifill had been set up like a bowling pin.
Sybil - The Movie