Wednesday, October 01, 2008

Palin Preparing For Thursday Debate, Enjoying A Quiet Nervous Breakdown

SEDONA, AZ (Mojopost) - Republican Vice Presidential candidate Sarah Palin is at Sen. John McCain's ranch in Sedona, AZ preparing for a debate on Thursday with Democratic Vice Presidential nominee Joe Biden. Mojopost has tried to confirm the cramming of information by Palin, but calls to McCain’s ranch were not returned. Palin has not been permitted to speak to the press since her unfortunate implosion last week, during an interview with CBS Evening News anchor Katie Couric. A representative of Mojopost (me) used a stand-by ticket to fly to Sedona from Chicago, in order to peek inside the windows of the ranch, eavesdrop on Palin and observe the McCain ranch culture.

According to my observations, Palin stormed outside of McCain’s ranch compound no less than four times in 10 hours. Each time Palin ran screaming from the patio doors, she was seen kicking trash cans and bumming cigarettes from the gounds-keepers (Juan Pablo and Hector). Twice I observed her praying on bended knees, and overheard her asking God to “…please send Katie Couric to hell, along with those bastardly debate coaches and their asshole ideas.”

At the eleventh-hour mark Palin walked quietly outside, crouched into a fetal position and rocked back and forth. She said, “I can do this. You betcha, I so totally can do this,” and, “no I can’t and I rilly, rilly hate this. Such bullshit!”

Palin was coached back inside the compound by an armed guard and Karl Rove. I have observed Rove partaking of cigars that smell like marijuana, commonly known as a “blunt”. On one occasion, he masturbated on an SUV and cried.

I left Sedona shortly after that incident and washed my eyeballs with a mixture of vinegar and baking soda.

PBS anchor Gwen Ifill will be the debate moderator on Thursday. Ifill broke her ankle on Monday while reading debate materials and walking down a set of stairs, prompting conspiracy theorists to wonder if Ifill had been set up like a bowling pin.

Sybil - The Movie

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Jenn McQ said...

I can't believe I missed it! Next time you're in the desert and you have a fun day like this one planned, you had better look me up. We can stop by Starbucks for some expensive coffee and then drive up to Sedona together in my hybrid :)

Mojopo said...

McQ, I would be grateful for the opportunity to enjoy socialist coffee with you while tripping in the desert. Next time I will call.

Minnie-sota said...

Mojo, wah! I always wanted to go to Sedona. Well, maybe I shouldn't be upset since whatsherface was there.

Okay, Imma worried that expectations are so low for her now that if she does anything good in the debate, people will think she did well.

Your friend, Rusty said...

"On one occasion, he masturbated on an SUV and cried."
Thanks for the nightmare imagery.

I heard the only reason Ifill tripped is because she was carrying 20 pounds of Republican bullshit.

Mojopo said...

Minnie, I think Palin could easily do well. She has set the bar so low that if she pronounces her name correctly, she will earn points.

Rusty, no one should mismanage their staircase with an armload of BS. Republican, Democratic, it doesn't matter. The lopsided weight of a BS bag is hazardous for a million reasons, as Ifill knows. Poor Gwen. Get well soon!

eyebee said...

...pundits is a funny word....OMG I am channeling Sarah Palin. Mojopo, please wait until I clean my house before you peak through my windows, its a mess

Anonymous said...

Margaret Cho has a stand up routine maybe you'll remember.... "Hi I'm Gwen. I'm here to warsh your vagina". That's all I can think of with this debate. And the visual with that bastard Rove...eewwww!!!


Dennis the Deist said...

"I have observed Rove partaking of cigars that smell like marijuana, commonly known as a “blunt”."

And you didn't try to score a sample for, you know, reporting purposes? I've always wondered about the quality of what those republicans smoke.

And Palin herself has confessed to have once smoked the kind herb and admits that she inhaled. I think she may have forgotten to exhale.

I've my popcorn ready for Thursday night...