Neighbors and Potential Felons In Chicago

Statewide corruption in Chicago is the glue that holds our city together. For instance, another alderman was indicted for corruption on Thursday. Republicans and Democrats alike can enjoy talking about this together. As a people, Chicagoans can connect to each other by sharing our outrage and embarrassment every time another pol gets popped. It doesn’t matter what color you are, if you believe in God or not, or where anyone went to school. For as long as we have potential felons in power, everyone in Chicago is a good neighbor.




I don’t know if Illinois is number one in corruption. It probably is not because someone got paid to fix the statistics. No, really.


Chicago has some former governors who left office in disgrace. There are lines out the door full of indicted alderman. We have a senator that was appointed to the job by one of the bastardly governors – the one with helmet hair. We have everything anyone could want, if you partake of schadenfreude.



Nepotism schmepotism. Monarchy schmonarchy! We have a city council president who literally inherited the job after the predecessor, his father, died. The mayor is the son of a former mayor, and the attorney general is the daughter of the Speaker of the Illinois House of Representatives. If you are related to anyone in government in IL and you operate on a cash-only basis, you probably work at our capital in Springfield already. Now that you know this, the state of IL would kindly ask other states in the union to stop blaming the voters. Thank you much.

My dear Chicago neighbors, I worry for us. What will become of our relationship if we can ever get the smallest whisper of a reform bill passed? Will you still talk to me from your balcony, when all we have left in common is the weather? It’s not like those people in government will acquire a moral compass in our lifetimes, but I wonder.

"Bueller, Bueller" (of the Chicago Bueller’s)

Review: Dino’s Pizzeria Is From Hell

For the first time in my whole life I've had to throw away a pizza. I still can't explain it (maybe you can) but Dino’s pizza crust had MOLD. OMFG!

I noticed that something tasted funny about the pizza I ordered, so I took a closer look at the crust and there it was - raw penicillin! Do they pre-bake their crusts and store them in a wet cave? If you're curious to know, mold on pizza tastes like soap and gasoline. Swear to God.

I ordered garden salads with the pizza. The salads were gritty, and after I took a bite of the pizza it seemed wise to take a closer look at the lettuce. Guess what I found? SAND and FLIES, as far as the eyes could see! FLIES! There were more insects in the salads than croutons! If the chef considered those salads washed, I’d hate to see his fingernails. I should have ordered a farted-on booger pizza from Domino’s and called it a night, but NOoooOOO!

Dino, if you are reading this I am telling you right now that I am the one who ratted you out on Google, Yelp, Menuism and Metromix. I hope a Dutch motorcade runs you over.

Snowed In By Daley In Chicago

When Chicago has a moment of downtime away from corruption and greed, we can always rely on incompetence to pass the time. For example, the city can’t afford adequate snow removal, sand or road salt. Let me explain something about this fix: It snows in Chicago like it rains in Seattle. Blaming our mayor, Richard M. Daley, for the lack of pro-active snow removal is the right thing to do.



I enjoy exciting walks to the train along the skating rink that is my sidewalk, with what feels like two Carvel ice cream cakes strapped to my feet. Abject terror first thing in the morning is one inexpensive way to burn calories, but I’ve heard it’s not very heart-smart. While I have managed to avoid knocking out my front teeth so far this season, the sound of old people breaking their hips has become a little too, shall we say, common.




Sure, the main roads are cleared. The side streets? Plows come by (on occasion) to scrape the snow off the ice, and knock as many mirrors off parked cars as humanly possible. I have a garage, but pity the fool who does not. You want license plate numbers? When the plow comes around again next year, I’ll write it down.

The upside of this mess? The potholes are filled with something for a change. Snow and ice. Neither of those things is helpful for traction, but I have not activated my airbags driving to the grocery store this month. If I had square wheels made of hammerheads, my drive-time could not possibly be worse.

President-elect Obama has said he will authorize work to rebuild our nation’s roads and bridges. Sir, we would gratefully have a wee thimble full of construction – or even just the crust of repair. Really – it wouldn’t take much to calm people the hell down. Chicagoans are a few weeks away from shoving Mayor Daley’s face into a snow bank and depantsing him in front of the Olympic Committee. I’m not saying that I would do that – certainly not. I have a snow shovel in my trunk and I feel like fighting.

I don’t know which gangster or corrupt official won’t be paid this month, but Cook County needs some plows and salt. Do not make me take my earrings off.

Blagojevich To Prison Bitch

Sewer-mouthed grifter and Illinois Gov. Milorad “Rod” R. Blagojevich has been ratted out to the Feds. Seventy-six pages of criminal activity later, and now we have to go out in the Chicago snow to fetch an impeachment before the store closes and our kids never forgive us. Thanks, Milo. I mean “Rod”.

B-vich has been shaking-down his political buddies for years. He’s the kind of guy who invites you to lunch, shows up late and eats your sandwich. “It was your sandwich, now it’s MY sandwich," he says between slobbery mouthfuls. He’s the co-worker who pats your wife’s behind at the office party, or the boss who makes you buy boxes of candy bars that his ugly and ill-mannered children are selling this week. Then he puts you on the spot, asking if you have a job for his crazy lunatic wife.

Yes, well – he’s moved on to bigger things. Now he’s pedaling Obama’s old senate seat in exchange for cash money and/or your eternal soul. And so the FBI arrested him first thing Tuesday morning.

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Blagojevich’s predecessor, former Gov. George Ryan, is currently in prison serving a lengthy sentence for being a very corrupt Colitis bag. B-vich may be able to share a cell with Inmate Ryan some time in the future. Small world, huh?

It is up to B-vich to appoint Obama’s successor in the IL senate. Right now, with the smell of hot garbage from Chicago, B-vich could appoint Jesus Christ himself and people would be ready to light torches and sharpen their pitchforks. Our state is thinking that we might need a special election, because maybe the people ought to have a choice in this matter. A civilized way of saying, “Please don’t burn my house down.” Somebody has to take the high road. Right?

Not B-vich. He was keeping funds away from Chicago’s Children’s Memorial Hospital, unless they smoothed his palm with a fat campaign contribution. I know a child who was treated there when she was five months old. She was diagnosed with cancer. Currently she is in remission and almost ten years old. Children’s Memorial means something to people I care about, and the governor was going to keep money away from kids like the one I know. Little kids with cancer. Merry fucking Christmas, sir.

Plenty of résumés are being revised as I type, just in case a few hopeful IL politicians need to run a quick campaign. The freaky part is that IL is a Republican-leaning state (go ahead, Rod, nudge them). Sure, Chicago is full-up on Prius-driving, liberal-elitist domestic terrorists, gays and biracial people. It’s the rest of the state that wants to choke our necks. I hate to be the one to say this, but Chicago might be the place where the GOP attempts to reinvent itself again. Many psychological gold stars are there for the taking, for the man or woman who stakes a claim on our President-elect’s former job.

Thanks, nimrod.