Obama On The Hogwarts Express

President-elect Barack Obama spent Saturday traveling on the Hogwarts Express. Obama’s traveling companions were H.R. Puffenstuff, Oprah Winfrey, Albus Dumbledore and Frodo. At every whistle-stop along the way (about eight hours worth of whistles), Obama drew hearty crowds of admirers.

In a nation humbled by hurricanes, joblessness and mercury poisoning, it is no wonder a nation clings desperately to hope and change.



President-elect Obama will arrive at Shining City Upon A Hill this coming Tuesday at high noon. No less than 87 bazillion people are expected to witness the event, when Obama banishes ignorant Monkeylord Dubya from the kingdom with a magical spell: “Allah kazaam, allah kazoo, Barack Hussein Obama - demons out!”

Mojopost’s forecast for the next four days indicates persistent elation moving in from the east. The high-pressure system that has wrought economic catastrophes, crippled government and started two wars is expected to taper down over the next four years.

Grand Funk Railroad - The Locomotion

Blagojevich To Prison Bitch

Sewer-mouthed grifter and Illinois Gov. Milorad “Rod” R. Blagojevich has been ratted out to the Feds. Seventy-six pages of criminal activity later, and now we have to go out in the Chicago snow to fetch an impeachment before the store closes and our kids never forgive us. Thanks, Milo. I mean “Rod”.

B-vich has been shaking-down his political buddies for years. He’s the kind of guy who invites you to lunch, shows up late and eats your sandwich. “It was your sandwich, now it’s MY sandwich," he says between slobbery mouthfuls. He’s the co-worker who pats your wife’s behind at the office party, or the boss who makes you buy boxes of candy bars that his ugly and ill-mannered children are selling this week. Then he puts you on the spot, asking if you have a job for his crazy lunatic wife.

Yes, well – he’s moved on to bigger things. Now he’s pedaling Obama’s old senate seat in exchange for cash money and/or your eternal soul. And so the FBI arrested him first thing Tuesday morning.

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Blagojevich’s predecessor, former Gov. George Ryan, is currently in prison serving a lengthy sentence for being a very corrupt Colitis bag. B-vich may be able to share a cell with Inmate Ryan some time in the future. Small world, huh?

It is up to B-vich to appoint Obama’s successor in the IL senate. Right now, with the smell of hot garbage from Chicago, B-vich could appoint Jesus Christ himself and people would be ready to light torches and sharpen their pitchforks. Our state is thinking that we might need a special election, because maybe the people ought to have a choice in this matter. A civilized way of saying, “Please don’t burn my house down.” Somebody has to take the high road. Right?

Not B-vich. He was keeping funds away from Chicago’s Children’s Memorial Hospital, unless they smoothed his palm with a fat campaign contribution. I know a child who was treated there when she was five months old. She was diagnosed with cancer. Currently she is in remission and almost ten years old. Children’s Memorial means something to people I care about, and the governor was going to keep money away from kids like the one I know. Little kids with cancer. Merry fucking Christmas, sir.

Plenty of résumés are being revised as I type, just in case a few hopeful IL politicians need to run a quick campaign. The freaky part is that IL is a Republican-leaning state (go ahead, Rod, nudge them). Sure, Chicago is full-up on Prius-driving, liberal-elitist domestic terrorists, gays and biracial people. It’s the rest of the state that wants to choke our necks. I hate to be the one to say this, but Chicago might be the place where the GOP attempts to reinvent itself again. Many psychological gold stars are there for the taking, for the man or woman who stakes a claim on our President-elect’s former job.

Thanks, nimrod.

Inauguration Day Tickets - Want

Inauguration Day tickets? It’s the new Powerball, man. Eleven-hundred bazillion people are scrambling for Inauguration Day tickets, to see Socialist Muslim Domestic Terrorist-friendly President Elect Obama take the reigns of power from the confirmed anti-Christ, George Dubya. January 20th, 2009, in Washington, DC is bigger than The Beatles at Shea Stadium and every Burning Man Festival combined. Be there at noon.

240,000 tickets will be printed. 30,000 of those people get something to sit on.

Tickets to this event are free and will be distributed by US senators and congressional representatives, about a week or two before the big day. It is not yet illegal to sell Inauguration Day tickets, but lawmakers are working on that. Meanwhile, scalpers are making a fortune on the black-market, for tickets that have not been “officially” promised to anyone. Plenty of people are scheduled to be royally screwed by these scams.

Weeks ago I added my name to the vast assortment of official waiting lists. When I finished calling all of the Democrats in my voting district, I started calling Republican officials. “Wouldn’t you rather give me a ticket than a hater wearing a sheet?”, I said. I even had the nerve to ask for two tickets. Hey, it can’t hurt to just ask.

As best as I can tell, I have nowhere to sleep if I actually land a ticket. And I don’t even care! All I know is that I’m trying very hard to stand outside (all day long) in January. DC is prone to wicked ice storms that time of year, and so I’m researching ways to include hot lava into my wardrobe.

Sally, I’ve been waiting 8 years for this. Even if I have to watch Obama taking the oath of office on TV, I can guarantee you that Inauguration Day is going to be one of the best moments of my life. My only concern, to be honest, is making sure that I have enough tissues handy.

Fatface Karl Rove Has Big Ideas For Barack Obama

And there it was on The Wall Street Journal, “Now Obama Has To Govern”, by Karl Rove. Oh, I read it all right. All sixteen blowhardy paragraphs. You know what it reminded me of? When my cat, Mrblz, is constipated and her turd emerges only halfway, she scoots her bottom on the floor to try and dislodge the offending dook. She leaves a trail on the tile that sort of looks like a Jackson Pollack painting on One Brown Marker Day. That is what Karl Rove’s article brought to mind: turd scrawl.




As you might already know, most people refer to Rove as Turd Blossom (his former boss gave him the nickname). The Mrblz connection to Rove was inevitable, really.

As for the article by Mr. T. Blossom – what can I say? No matter what he types, Rove always sounds like he’s channeling a puritanical school-marm who’s claim to fame is pinching children’s eyes when they misbehave. Some marms give time-outs, and other marms (Rove) prefer to blind children. “I bet you won’t pass notes in class again, will you Tommy?” he says.

Rove has big plans for President Elect Obama. As a former Bush administration imagineer, he gave his best advice. For example, Rove says that President Elect Obama must stop being so ambitious. Mr. Rove made careful plans to sabotage the US. Fix things? No, no, no. You will never succeed at being successful, so why bother? Kick back, cue up the closed-circuit Gitmo Cam and hang out.

Further, Rove said that Obama must stop listening to citizens. Specifically, Obama must stop texting people, close his Internet forum and get off his tech-savvy high horse. It is illegal, Rove says, because presidents are prohibited from listening to anyone. I got confused on that part. Was he damning technology or did he totally just sound like he was condemning witchcraft? Obama, dude – listen to me. Stay out of Salem because Rove has kindling wood and a lighter. Man, he totally thinks you’re practicing Dark Arts on the people.

I won’t even bother with the rest of the article. The gist of it is that Rove told the black man to lay low and quit casting spells on people.

I guess it’s hard to be irrelevant in the new world.

At last!

Obama Spreads Wealth Like Virgin Thighs

What are you going to do with your $1,000 rebate check from Barack Obama? Haven’t you heard? According to the AM radio fat-face brain trust, President Elect Obama is going to be cutting checks to everyone who lives in the US, from Warren Buffet to your local terrorist cell. We’re in the money!

The rebate is the direct result of Fox News, Karl Rove and a giant windfall we are due for consuming so much energy. Did I say $1,000? I meant to say $10,000. Sarah Palin’s Alaska is going to cry when they see how rich we are.

Do you know how many Hickory Farms cheese baskets I can buy with $10,000? Wait, I mean $100,000 (every time I catch my breath, Gobama adds another zero to my largesse!).













Big fat money for cheese baskets and Hawaiian vacations. I don’t ever have to work again. As long as you people keep filling your gas tanks while driving around in circles all over Flaming Liarville, I’m going to get rich! Rich I say!

AM radio listeners, welcome to the land of change. Food stamps for lobster tails! Biracial babies on tap! I can’t wait to get my first embryonic stem cell facial! For free!



YES WE CAN! YES WE CAN! YES WE CAN!