Ello Guvnah

I live in Chicago, but I’m from New York. Gee, could it be possible that I am a bit biased if I equate gubernatorial positions with as much esteem as I would offer a sack of hot garbage on a July afternoon?

Gov. David Paterson of NY, Blago of IL on The View, and Ah-nold still in Ca-li-forn-ia. Then there is Gov. Sarah Palin, who cannot articulate her way out of a freakin’ igloo, landing a book deal worth $11 million smackers. If that’s not the icing on top of the crap cake, what is?



Tell you what. How about I just shove a chopstick in my eye and swirl it around in my brainpan until I pass out?

Memo - Blago To Bill Richardson

I've been told that I have a lot of energy. The secret is that I use renewable resources. Some days I'm solar powered. Some days I'm wind powered. And some people in this room might think I'm hybrid gas-powered. You'll just have to guess which it is today.
-- Governor Bill Richardson










TO: Señor Bill Richardson
FROM: Big Rod Blago
DATE: January 4, 2009
SUBJECT: My New Club

Hi, Bill – how’s it hanging, you big fat [bleep]hole? Pretty low, huh? Ha ha ha. I didn’t do anything wrong, either! HAA HAA HAAAH!

Wanna hang out? Let’s start a band. I’ll be the white guy and you can be the Mexican, but we still need a queer and at least one black person.

Porko – let’s face it – you are as [bleeped] as I am. The court of public opinion has turned their back on me, and so what? You can’t let this [bleep] get you down or it will make you nuts. Sometimes I just want to say [bleep] it, but I figured that I might as well have some fun. It is so liberating, Porko. Highly recommended.

Let’s roll in my Cadillac SUV, do shots of sizzurup and you can carry a knife (for show). I know how much your people like their knives. We could [bleep] some things up, hardcore. Unless you want to act like a little bitch?

Get Your Party On,
Kanye Blagojevich

Fisting Burris

I believe it’s called “strong-arming” but that doesn’t tell you anything about how the US Constitution might win out over Blago’s appointed geezer, Roland Burris. More so, my headline tells you more about how I feel about this mess.

Forbes magazine has the scoop.

In its landmark 1969 ruling in Powell v. McCormack, the Supreme Court held that Article I, Section 5, which makes "[e]ach House...the Judge of the Elections...and Qualifications of its own Members,"…set forth in Article I, Section 2.

Blah, blah blippity bloop. This means that President-elect Obama was upholding the Constitution when he urged the senate to deny any piece of trash from being appointed to his former office. Especially if said trash was installed by helmet-headed enema pump, Gov. Blagojevich. Now look, I’m just as shocked as anyone that a president of the US is respecting our constitution. I need to sit down.

Still, let’s be clear about something, though. As a registered voter in Illinois, and a Democrat, I would have preferred a special election. Our Dems here could have easily introduced legislation that would have allowed citizens to vote for a new senator, instead of letting Blago show his ass. Why didn’t that happen, Santa?

Democrats in IL were noisily shuffling impeachment papers (to sound busy), but mostly they were busy practising their favorite dance moves in anticipation of dancing on Blago’s political grave. The problem is that Blago isn’t dead yet. Also, Dems are worried that a special election might give a Republican candidate a leg up. A GOP smack-down for the future president’s former job? Oh, the humanity!

I can see how Dems would have a psychological problem with that scenario, but they don’t all live here and I do. Anyone in IL will back me up when I say that Dems and Repubs work together in this state. They lunch together, and they share the same greasy friends. Both sides have a stake in fisting IL taxpayers. No politician here has ever been caught appointing their children to jobs, or giving their butt-buddies big contracts because our pols don’t hide anything! No one, not ever! The processes are 100% transparent and up our ass without the benefit of lubrication or dinner afterward. If a Republican were elected over a Democrat, it would not make any difference. It’s that bad. And that is why those bastards owed us a chance to vote.

Believe me when I say I’m going to remember this on Election Day in two years. It will be interesting to see how many of Obama’s former volunteers, like me, effect real change at home. There are two moods I'm going to take with me to my designated voting place: disgusted and pissed off. Please join me.

The XXX Blagojevich Tapes (Safe For Work)

Ladies and gentlemen, I bring to you the XXX adult version of the Blagojevich tapes. This is a Mojopost exclusive. Here are some of the excerpts:

Blagojevich: Did you get my money?
Candidate #2: One more week, and I’ll have it all.
Blagojevich: That’s a f-----g problem. I might be more patient if you take off your shirt. I can’t hear you when you’re wearing a f-----g bra.
Candidate #2: Ahhh…I’ve been dying to take this off all day…

Wait – it gets worse!

Blagojevich: Is it true what they say about black c-cks?
Candidate #5: Totally. If I show you, can I have the senate seat?
Blagojevich: That depends. How big is it?
[zipper sound]
Blagojevich: NOT BIG ENOUGH. Get my money or no seat!
Candidate #5: Come on man! It’s cold in here! Give me two minutes, and I swear to God - it’s like an elephant’s trunk.
Blagojevich: I’ve got an idea.
[zipper sound]
Blagojevich: How’s about you make mine bigger and throw in a happy ending? You get one week.
Candidate #5: Can I use a tissue?
Blagojevich: No, but you can use your motherf-----g mouth. My turn next.

Then there’s that, that... THING with his wife on the phone:

Blagojevich: Jesus Christ. I feel sick and conflicted.
Patti: What did you have for lunch?
Blagojevich: A big, black – uh - hot dog.
Patti: Why the f—k did you eat a black hot dog? What that f—k is that? Was it burned?
Blagojevich: Wait – did you just hear that noise?
Patti: I didn’t hear jack sh-t.
Blagojevich: I wonder if that assh-le Fitzgerald is taping me?
Patti: That assh-le? Stop being paranoid. He’s too much of a f----t to be that clever.

Blagojevich To Prison Bitch

Sewer-mouthed grifter and Illinois Gov. Milorad “Rod” R. Blagojevich has been ratted out to the Feds. Seventy-six pages of criminal activity later, and now we have to go out in the Chicago snow to fetch an impeachment before the store closes and our kids never forgive us. Thanks, Milo. I mean “Rod”.

B-vich has been shaking-down his political buddies for years. He’s the kind of guy who invites you to lunch, shows up late and eats your sandwich. “It was your sandwich, now it’s MY sandwich," he says between slobbery mouthfuls. He’s the co-worker who pats your wife’s behind at the office party, or the boss who makes you buy boxes of candy bars that his ugly and ill-mannered children are selling this week. Then he puts you on the spot, asking if you have a job for his crazy lunatic wife.

Yes, well – he’s moved on to bigger things. Now he’s pedaling Obama’s old senate seat in exchange for cash money and/or your eternal soul. And so the FBI arrested him first thing Tuesday morning.

--- --- ---

Blagojevich’s predecessor, former Gov. George Ryan, is currently in prison serving a lengthy sentence for being a very corrupt Colitis bag. B-vich may be able to share a cell with Inmate Ryan some time in the future. Small world, huh?

It is up to B-vich to appoint Obama’s successor in the IL senate. Right now, with the smell of hot garbage from Chicago, B-vich could appoint Jesus Christ himself and people would be ready to light torches and sharpen their pitchforks. Our state is thinking that we might need a special election, because maybe the people ought to have a choice in this matter. A civilized way of saying, “Please don’t burn my house down.” Somebody has to take the high road. Right?

Not B-vich. He was keeping funds away from Chicago’s Children’s Memorial Hospital, unless they smoothed his palm with a fat campaign contribution. I know a child who was treated there when she was five months old. She was diagnosed with cancer. Currently she is in remission and almost ten years old. Children’s Memorial means something to people I care about, and the governor was going to keep money away from kids like the one I know. Little kids with cancer. Merry fucking Christmas, sir.

Plenty of résumés are being revised as I type, just in case a few hopeful IL politicians need to run a quick campaign. The freaky part is that IL is a Republican-leaning state (go ahead, Rod, nudge them). Sure, Chicago is full-up on Prius-driving, liberal-elitist domestic terrorists, gays and biracial people. It’s the rest of the state that wants to choke our necks. I hate to be the one to say this, but Chicago might be the place where the GOP attempts to reinvent itself again. Many psychological gold stars are there for the taking, for the man or woman who stakes a claim on our President-elect’s former job.

Thanks, nimrod.