Nigerian Widow Has A Unique Business Proposal

Sender: mojo_po@yahoo.com
Subject: Business Opportunity

My name is Mojopo, widow of the late head of state, Mr. Mojopo. After he mysteriously died as a result of cardiac arrest during our afternoon expression of martial love (which we had enjoyed many times before without tragic surprise), our lawyer, Joel Lowenstein, informed me that my husband (who at the time was president of Nigeria), called him last week and showed him five metal boxes containing foreign currency. Mr. Lowenstein is under the distinct impression that those boxes are for FedEx, to be sent to my late husband’s business partner for investment purposes. Probably something to benefit blind and crippled orphans.

Since my husband’s death, the Nigerian government has frozen our bank accounts and stole our cars! I can’t buy anything or go anywhere. I have to borrow cans of tuna fish from my neighbors just to have something in my stomach when I go hitchhiking to the dialysis clinic. Sometimes the Nigerians come by late at night to molest my animals, too, but they always listen to all of my phone calls. I know because I can hear one of the wiretappers watching Susan Boyle on YouTube and crying. What do they want? They want my late husband’s metal boxes full of money. We are worth at least $120,000,000,000,000, and now you understand why they are sodomizing my Portuguese Water Dog, Mojobo, to find the location of the foreign currency.

I am asking you in a very sincere manner for your help, as a responsible woman worth more money than God has to spend. I trust you because I Googled your name and read all of your comments on the tech support forum for plus-sized women’s apparel. You seem like a good person who will not sit on a profitable business opportunity!

Psst – come closer. I am going to whisper:

I have managed to get the five metal boxes out of Nigeria by stowing them in Mr. Lowenstein’s generous rear end. I pray, on my knees, that a good person such as yourself will help me transfer this money out of Mr. Lowenstein and into your country. Each of these boxes is full of cold hard cash worth a bazillion dollars each. If you can get this money transferred, I’ll share of a percentage of the wealth with you. On the real.

Please contact me confidentially through this website to assist my family.

Thanks, and warmest regards.

Yours Truly,
Mojopo

Throw Stuff At Bush January 20th

On-line groups are organizing themselves to throw things at Dubya on January 20th. On this day everyone’s favorite black Arab, President-elect Barack Hussein Chicago-Obama, will be sworn in president of the United & Humbled Mess Of Whatever. Therefore, it is common knowledge that citizens here are covertly planning new and exciting ways to throw shit at Dubya on his way out the door. I’d like to remind everyone that throwing things at any president, past or present, is illegal. And if that matters to you, we can no longer be friends.

I won’t provide links to the groups getting organized. You’re smart enough to figure that out. Why point fingers at some very hilarious, ingenious people who deserve nothing but our love. These groups will be throwing things like:

* Used diapers
* Tomatoes
* Eggs
* Iraqi shoes
* And so much more…

The possibilities are endless. Avoid bothering Dubya’s limo driver by all means. That guy is trying to earn a living, is all. Remember – Bush and Dubya will travel to the ceremony together. Save your arm for the after-events.

If I make it to DC on the 20th, Imma throw one of everything I can get my hands on. Yeah yeah – Obama means our nation has matured, we’re supposed to have dignity and blah blah blah. I want closure, and the kind of closure I need involves stinking handful of something wet at Dubya's face.

Good luck to all, and may your aim be true.

AMBIVIUM

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Side Effects

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The XXX Blagojevich Tapes (Safe For Work)

Ladies and gentlemen, I bring to you the XXX adult version of the Blagojevich tapes. This is a Mojopost exclusive. Here are some of the excerpts:

Blagojevich: Did you get my money?
Candidate #2: One more week, and I’ll have it all.
Blagojevich: That’s a f-----g problem. I might be more patient if you take off your shirt. I can’t hear you when you’re wearing a f-----g bra.
Candidate #2: Ahhh…I’ve been dying to take this off all day…

Wait – it gets worse!

Blagojevich: Is it true what they say about black c-cks?
Candidate #5: Totally. If I show you, can I have the senate seat?
Blagojevich: That depends. How big is it?
[zipper sound]
Blagojevich: NOT BIG ENOUGH. Get my money or no seat!
Candidate #5: Come on man! It’s cold in here! Give me two minutes, and I swear to God - it’s like an elephant’s trunk.
Blagojevich: I’ve got an idea.
[zipper sound]
Blagojevich: How’s about you make mine bigger and throw in a happy ending? You get one week.
Candidate #5: Can I use a tissue?
Blagojevich: No, but you can use your motherf-----g mouth. My turn next.

Then there’s that, that... THING with his wife on the phone:

Blagojevich: Jesus Christ. I feel sick and conflicted.
Patti: What did you have for lunch?
Blagojevich: A big, black – uh - hot dog.
Patti: Why the f—k did you eat a black hot dog? What that f—k is that? Was it burned?
Blagojevich: Wait – did you just hear that noise?
Patti: I didn’t hear jack sh-t.
Blagojevich: I wonder if that assh-le Fitzgerald is taping me?
Patti: That assh-le? Stop being paranoid. He’s too much of a f----t to be that clever.