Ka-Ching: Patti Blagojevich Would Do Anything For Cash Money

Ladies and gentlemen, Mojopost thanks you for your patience. We’ve been experiencing technical difficulties so severe that Comcast has generously agreed to credit us for two days of service. Apparently, someone forgot to tell the Midwestern storms that I’ve got a blog to run. My goodness, I even missed Patti Blagojevich bawling her eyes out on I’m A Celebrity…Get Me Out Of Here!



No, of course I don’t watch that show. Well, only when Blago’s wife is eating bait for money. Times are hard for the Blago family. Last year they were (expletive) golden. And now look at them! Patti B. is in the jungle and she gets paid per rat bite. Hard times for sure! Hee hee hee…

While I’m thinking of I’m A Celebrity… can anyone explain to me how and why Spencer and Heidi Pratt (aka Speidi) became famous? Her voice reminds me of food processor full of whistles (fun story for another day). And him? Spencer Pratt is merely pebble in my bowl. I will flush him later when something more important happens or company comes by. I hope Patti B. eats Speidi when she runs out of rice and beans.

Poor Patti B. She has been so careful to avoid swearing and has not bribed any of her fellow contestants with the promise of a seat in the Illinois senate. I find myself liking her almost, because she has the doofiest bathing suit. It takes guts to go on live TV in that get-up with a mouthful of tarantula. Although I should note that Patti B.’s fellow contestant is Janice Dickinson, an aging psycho/supermodel, who keeps stealing everyone’s combs and underwear for her own use. Next to Janice, that guy on the El with Tourette's syndrome is going to seem quaint. Patti B. needs a better yardstick than Janice Dickinson to measure social acceptance.


Blagojevich eats a spider in reality debut

The XXX Blagojevich Tapes (Safe For Work)

Ladies and gentlemen, I bring to you the XXX adult version of the Blagojevich tapes. This is a Mojopost exclusive. Here are some of the excerpts:

Blagojevich: Did you get my money?
Candidate #2: One more week, and I’ll have it all.
Blagojevich: That’s a f-----g problem. I might be more patient if you take off your shirt. I can’t hear you when you’re wearing a f-----g bra.
Candidate #2: Ahhh…I’ve been dying to take this off all day…

Wait – it gets worse!

Blagojevich: Is it true what they say about black c-cks?
Candidate #5: Totally. If I show you, can I have the senate seat?
Blagojevich: That depends. How big is it?
[zipper sound]
Blagojevich: NOT BIG ENOUGH. Get my money or no seat!
Candidate #5: Come on man! It’s cold in here! Give me two minutes, and I swear to God - it’s like an elephant’s trunk.
Blagojevich: I’ve got an idea.
[zipper sound]
Blagojevich: How’s about you make mine bigger and throw in a happy ending? You get one week.
Candidate #5: Can I use a tissue?
Blagojevich: No, but you can use your motherf-----g mouth. My turn next.

Then there’s that, that... THING with his wife on the phone:

Blagojevich: Jesus Christ. I feel sick and conflicted.
Patti: What did you have for lunch?
Blagojevich: A big, black – uh - hot dog.
Patti: Why the f—k did you eat a black hot dog? What that f—k is that? Was it burned?
Blagojevich: Wait – did you just hear that noise?
Patti: I didn’t hear jack sh-t.
Blagojevich: I wonder if that assh-le Fitzgerald is taping me?
Patti: That assh-le? Stop being paranoid. He’s too much of a f----t to be that clever.