I live in Chicago, but I’m from New York. Gee, could it be possible that I am a bit biased if I equate gubernatorial positions with as much esteem as I would offer a sack of hot garbage on a July afternoon?
Gov. David Paterson of NY, Blago of IL on The View, and Ah-nold still in Ca-li-forn-ia. Then there is Gov. Sarah Palin, who cannot articulate her way out of a freakin’ igloo, landing a book deal worth $11 million smackers. If that’s not the icing on top of the crap cake, what is?
Tell you what. How about I just shove a chopstick in my eye and swirl it around in my brainpan until I pass out?
Remember the big to-doodle about Sarah Palin and Africa? According to Fox News, MSNBC and a bazillion bloggers, Palin thought Africa was a country, not a continent. Turns out it was all a hoax. Here’s a clip from the New York Times:
It was among the juicier post-election recriminations: Fox News Channel quoted an unnamed McCain campaign figure as saying that Sarah Palin did not know that Africa was a continent.
Who would say such a thing? On Monday the answer popped up on a blog and popped out of the mouth of David Shuster, an MSNBC anchor. “Turns out it was Martin Eisenstadt, a McCain policy adviser, who has come forward today to identify himself as the source of the leaks,” Mr. Shuster said.
Trouble is, Martin Eisenstadt doesn’t exist. His blog does, but it’s a put-on. The think tank where he is a senior fellow — the Harding Institute for Freedom and Democracy — is just a Web site. The TV clips of him on YouTube are fakes.
And the claim of credit for the Africa anecdote is just the latest ruse by Eisenstadt, who turns out to be a very elaborate hoax that has been going on for months. MSNBC, which quickly corrected the mistake, has plenty of company in being taken in by an Eisenstadt hoax, including The New Republic and The Los Angeles Times.
Now a pair of obscure filmmakers say they created Martin Eisenstadt to help them pitch a TV show based on the character.
Guess what I did when I read about this? I posted it on my site. Truly, I’m sorry and I apologize. I’m not a journalist, and I have flaming pink liberal steak running down the middle of my psyche. Biased? You betcha. Any gossip about Palin tasted delicious to me during the campaign. But that doesn’t give me the right to be less diligent. Damn.
I wondered, “How different am I than the rightwing turds who called Obama a Socialist-Islamic-Domestic Terrorist-lovin’, America-hatin’ messiah, based on the lies they read on the Internet?” Apparently I, and plenty of other people, needed a reality check.
One can hope that the culprits – the obscure filmmakers – find their great idea has propelled them head first into the nearest dog park shit box receptacle. I think that’s fair.
Still, it is important for me to set the record straight. Unlike the righty fanatics, I’m willing to realize when I’ve been had and take my lumps.
On the other hand, Sarah Palin is still a giant boob.
The filmmakers in question were trying to self-promote, went full blown a-hole by claiming to deliver a scalding ouchie on the media, and then jacked-off on their own credibility by making everyone feel stupid.
Me? I’m certainly going to be skeptical about any Palin gossip I read, grudgingly, because I still believe she’s a whack job and doesn’t deserve the benefit of the doubt. Now I have to afford a second guess in my critical thinking process. For that I’m mad at myself, but madder at the amateur filmmakers. I’d be the first one to pinch their balls (with both hands) given the chance.
Again – I am sorry. FYI: From here on out, I’m going to stop hyper-linking news articles to appear factual or fair. I’m going to make shit up and post links that have nothing to do with content. I can promise good times, and this is the last time I will ever warn you to read this blog as satire. Nothing more or less.
Guess who Barack Obama is going to be for Halloween? Sarah Hussein Palin, that’s who! Happy Halloween, folks. I am waiting for a scary story today. Sarah Palin was supposed to release her medical records earlier this week, but she still hasn’t forked ‘em over yet. My clock says it is 1:00 AM in Chicago on Friday. If anything leaks overnight, please accept my apologies.
I wonder if she poops her pants every time she sneezes? That’s not a huge problem, if you think about it. She could have a colostomy bag or diapers and everything could be contained. I could live with that.
Maybe she’s colorblind? She could mistake the ginormous red 3:00 AM phone for an environmentally friendly green phone, which she would never answer. Not good.
What if she has a learning disability? It would explain why she sounds so bug-fucking wrong every time she goes off the scripted path. That, my friends, is a problem.
On the other hand… What if Andrew Sullivan has a point? What if Sarah Palin has been pregnant four times, instead of five?
McCain campaign insiders are leaking more dirt than a busted Hoover bag. Oh yeah, baby. They hate Sarah.
Anonymous employees of Sen. Grampy are eager to vent to anyone who will listen.
“I’ve had it!” said an aide. “I’m supposed to be an advisor but I am knee deep in diapers and idiocy. Sarah Palin is embarrassing. How am I supposed to work with that? I'm not Annie Sullivan! I spend half of my time trying to keep Sarah's kids from setting fires and the other half beating my head against hard surfaces, trying to make myself pass out. No matter what I try and tell Sarah, she has a better idea. Why am I here?”
It gets worse.
“Yesterday, Sarah tried to make Nancy Pfotenhauer breast-feed Trig. Never mind how gross that is, but Nancy Pfotenhauer is like, I dunno, 60 years old. If she can squeeze-out a drop of anything remotely liquid, I’ll be the first one to call Ripley’s Believe It Or Not.”
“As soon as this election is over, I’m going to punch Todd Palin in the balls. We call a meeting, and there’s Todd. We make conference calls, and there’s Todd. John won’t even look at him anymore.”
“Mostly I hate John McCain. This whole thing is his fault. As soon as John loses this campaign I hope Cindy sends him divorce papers. These past two years are a smoking crater on my resume. Every potential employer is going to think I’m a moron or a racist, or something. I mean - come on! Have you seen the psychos at John’s rallies? Every day is Halloween, man. Fuck. This. I wish it was November 5th already.”
Tina Fey As Sarah Palin finally met The Real Sarah Palin on a recent episode of SNL. Trainwreckalicious, baby. Here are two vids, comments follow:
From the “Weekend Update” segment:
Who is the real Sarah Palin? She’s no Tina Fey, senator.
Tina As Sarah is a cultural phenomenon. She’s funny, likable, and accessible and never poops on a line - Tina As Sarah nails her jokes. The Real Sarah, in comparison, is awkward and out of her element – as much as she is on the campaign trail. All Sarah really has to do is kind of show up and do the chicken-neck. It’s so bad that it’s good. Is that what being a meth addict is like? If so, now I understand.
But hay – that’s just me blowing moose-burgers out of my skirt. What do I know? Tell me what you think about the Real Sarah Palin. Or Tina Fey. You make good points and I'm paying attention.
I would give just about anything to find out what transpired between Tina and Sarah before the show and after. If there is a book about it, let me know because I’ve got Amazon loaded on my browser and my debit card in hand. Must have scoopage!
For more SNL discussions about The Real Sarah Palin, you can visit the SNL forum here.
The Biden/Palin debate is done. Joe Biden won and answered questions thoughtfully, because he understood the questions. Sarah Palin gave well-rehearsed answers that usually did not match the questions.
I will not compliment Palin for doing okay and not torpedoing McCain’s campaign. To do so would be like patting a child on the back for peeing in the toilet bowl, and not the trash can.
One of the most telling parts of the evening was the fact that Palin answered far too many questions with a canned response about energy. For example:
Moderator: Governor Palin, how would you counsel John McCain about the current economic crisis? Sarah Palin: The correct response is to drill, baby, drill. Moderator: What should we do about Afghanistan? Sarah Palin: I gave everyone in my state $1,000 from leftover oil revenue. I help average citizens to swim in money. Moderator: Are humans responsible for global warming? Sarah Palin: The answer is, “Who cares,” because we can’t be complain’ and lookin’ backwards all the time.
Palin suspended the debate for a few seconds to send a, “Shout out to the 3rd graders at Gladys Wood Elementary School in Alaska.” Unfuckingbelievable. Shout-outs to 3rd graders are performed by weathermen during the local news, not something that happens in a very important political debate!
On the other hand, Joe Biden had one of the most genuine moments in debate history. You need to see this:
Sarah Palin followed Joe’s comments by talking about how much of a maverick (a maverican?), John McCain is. I have no idea why Palin failed to offer Biden condolences or appear to have a measure of human sympathy. She was completely disconnected.
The biggest winner of the veepstakes is probably Katie Couric, who is the anchor of The CBS Evening News. Couric has revealed more about Palin than anyone. She interviewed Palin and CBS has been broadcasting new segments from that meeting over the past few days. Each installment brings a new cringe, a more terrible answer from Palin. While Palin can repeat coached answers during a debate, it’s clear she cannot think coherently on her own. Who in McCain’s campaign approved the Palin/Couric interviews? How many times a day does that person get kicked in the ass hard enough to make him (or her) fly in the air? This is McCain’s responsibility, ultimately. If the Palin/Couric interviews prove nothing else, it is that John McCain makes consistently bad decisions. The Daily Show with John Stewart says it best:
SEDONA, AZ (Mojopost) - Republican Vice Presidential candidate Sarah Palin is at Sen. John McCain's ranch in Sedona, AZ preparing for a debate on Thursday with Democratic Vice Presidential nominee Joe Biden. Mojopost has tried to confirm the cramming of information by Palin, but calls to McCain’s ranch were not returned. Palin has not been permitted to speak to the press since her unfortunate implosion last week, during an interview with CBS Evening News anchor Katie Couric. A representative of Mojopost (me) used a stand-by ticket to fly to Sedona from Chicago, in order to peek inside the windows of the ranch, eavesdrop on Palin and observe the McCain ranch culture.
According to my observations, Palin stormed outside of McCain’s ranch compound no less than four times in 10 hours. Each time Palin ran screaming from the patio doors, she was seen kicking trash cans and bumming cigarettes from the gounds-keepers (Juan Pablo and Hector). Twice I observed her praying on bended knees, and overheard her asking God to “…please send Katie Couric to hell, along with those bastardly debate coaches and their asshole ideas.”
At the eleventh-hour mark Palin walked quietly outside, crouched into a fetal position and rocked back and forth. She said, “I can do this. You betcha, I so totally can do this,” and, “no I can’t and I rilly, rilly hate this. Such bullshit!”
Palin was coached back inside the compound by an armed guard and Karl Rove. I have observed Rove partaking of cigars that smell like marijuana, commonly known as a “blunt”. On one occasion, he masturbated on an SUV and cried.
I left Sedona shortly after that incident and washed my eyeballs with a mixture of vinegar and baking soda.
PBS anchor Gwen Ifill will be the debate moderator on Thursday. Ifill broke her ankle on Monday while reading debate materials and walking down a set of stairs, prompting conspiracy theorists to wonder if Ifill had been set up like a bowling pin.
Republican vice presidential nominee Sarah Palin's coming out party on the world stage kicks off tomorrow with a series of meetings with the types of foreign leaders she would regularly interact with as vice president, ABC News' Imtiyaz Delawala reports.
Palin sits down with foreign leaders (and one rock star) in New York this week for the United Nations General Assembly... On Palin's Tuesday schedule: Afghanistan President Hamid Karzai and Colombian President Alvaro Uribe, as well as former US Secretary of State Dr. Henry Kissinger… Palin will meet with Iraq President Jalal Talabani and Pakistan's newly-elected President Asif Ali Zardari.
Please, I can see the whole mess in my head. Henry Kissinger will cut in line ahead of Iraq’s president, Jalal Talabani, so that he can graze the side of Palin’s arm with his potbelly for an old man thrill. Meanwhile, Palin – a child of the 80’s – will ignore Henry’s advances to see Bono and feel like the coolest chick (in the history of ever) from Wasilla High School.
Palin might be a fundie whacko, and maybe Wasilla didn’t have cable in the 80’s, but it’s not like she lived under a rock. FYI Henry, and ew!
Bono:‘Allo, govnah. I’m here to talk about starvin’ children. Sarah P: Oh my gahd! I totally played “I Will Follow”, like, 800 times.
It’s been another brilliant week of Sarah Palin news here in the US. Her media coverage suffered a mild interruption Monday, what with the stock market on the verge of implosion, but she’s still one of the most Googled vice presidential candidates in American history. You can smoke that kind of gravitas and get high.
I can’t help myself but look back to just a few weeks ago when our media outlets scrambled for information about Alaska’s governor. Palin was a giant question mark a month ago, a potential VP absolutely no one factored into the equation. No, not even Las Vegas and they have odds on everything.
Since then the beehived, bespectacled veep nominee has gone from pistol packin', adorable Hockey Mom to political satire and subpoenas. There is Troopergate, the pregnant daughter crisis, and a husband named Todd who rides snow-machines and gets copied on her official e-mails. All of these things could be very old news had the bedeviled Mainstream Media paid attention. But they didn't.
Palin had been on Sen. John McCain’s list of running mates for months. Absolutely no one took her seriously. Not CNN, MSNBC, BBC America, PBS or even her own daughter, who was so oblivious that she went and got herself pregnant without ever thinking she might have to hide her condition behind a baby blanket on national TV. No one was prepared and, therefore, everyone deserves a swirlie from a murky bowl.
Working journalists (the kind who get paid) had about three months to figure out Palin’s question marks. The Palin issue was less important to them than Amy Winehouse in rehab. The amount of homework, legwork and muscle that went into researching Palin prior to her nomination amounted to Wiki-ing her official title and party affiliation. Oh, my arm - the weight of such an endeavor hurts me to even think about it.
These days the MSM is making up for lost time with regards to Palin, and her number is on every bathroom stall in every newsroom. I’m not sure if their motivation is the truth so much as embarrassment for sort of being caught with their fly down on Commando Day during a kindergarten graduation ceremony.
When newspapers unload staff because no one is buying their wares, and they complain that stupid people aren’t paying attention to the news, I hope they remember what they ignored. It’s spelled P-A-L-I-N. Now who’s stupid?
Sarah Palin’s pastor, Thomas Muthee, is a certified lunatic who believes he can cure witchery in Kenya. Look for his new product line, Witch-Out, on an infomercial near you.
Gawker and ABC News have both reported that Sarah Palin’s e-mail account on Yahoo has been hacked. Come on – wouldn’t you love to know more? Me too, and I bet I have a very good idea…
From: Sarah P Subject: Re: i m sick of babysitting To: Piper Date: Tuesday, September 16, 2008, 7:13 PM
Mommy is so proud of you, takin’ care of the baby and being such a big girl. But… you gotta stop licking Trig’s head. It was totally OK the first time, on television, but Mommy and Daddy would like for it to stop. Also…NO you cannot dress up like Bristol for Halloween! If I catch you going door-to-door begging for pagan candy and wearing a baby blanket, I will send you to live with Bristol and Levi and give you something to really cry about. Their kid is going to have five eyes and crap constantly. Do not push Mommy. LOL! Luv u! _____________________________________________________________
From: Mark Salter Subject: Re: Am I Allowed To Say Anything? To: Sarah P Date: Tuesday, September 16, 2008, 11:42 PM
Hi --
Answer only ONE question per day until otherwise notified... not comfortable with you improvising because you’re not as smart as you think you are. Awww, did I hurt your feelings, gov? SUCK IT UP. Here is an example of what to do: Dummy: Can you tell us how you are qualified for this job? Sarah: I was wondering when someone would ask me that. I’m so glad you stepped up to the mic. If anyone asked me if I am qualified, I would say, hey – you want qualified? Ya, you betcha! Thanks for askin’!
Remember – shut up and look pretty! McCain/Pain ’08! _____________________________________________________________
From: John Subject: MY FIRST E-MAIL To: Sarah P Date: Wednesday, September 17, 2008, 7:00 PM
DEAR SARAH:
THIS IS MY FIRST E-MAIL. I AM USING MARK’S BLACKBERRY. I INVENTED THE DAMN THING - WHO KNEW? HA HA. TOO MANY BUTTTONS AND THEY ARE SO SMALL! WRITE ME BACK IF YOU GET THIS. I’M GOING TO BED NOW. AMBIEN IS THE BEST THING EVER. YOU SHOULD GET SOME IF YOU ARE NOT BREAST FEEDING. IF YOU HAVE ANY SPARE MILK, I HAVE HEARD THAT MOMMY MILK IS GOOD FOR POW INJURIES. AS YOU KNOW I SUFFERED FOR MORE THAN FIVE YEARS IN A HANOI PRISON.
I AM LEARNING EMOTICONS. BIG FUN! :-P
YOUR PAL, JOHN
(Update: Screen grabs and sample e-mail from Palin's account are here. Turns out the stunt was pulled off by Anonymous, a group of anti-Scientology hackers).
I’ve been watching the Republican convention this week. A friend asked me, “Hey Mojo, how do you keep doing it – night after night?”
I confess - there have been moments when I needed to be physically restrained from grabbing my baseball bat and turning the TV into an exploding smoke-ball. Hardly anything gets me off the sofa once I’m there, but this Republican stuff gets me all riled up. Still, I hang on. “Know thine enemy.” This is what they look like:
As much as I hate the whole stinking shitpile of absurd nonsense, I know that this is God’s will for me to see it through to the end. The Republicans would have you believe that God speaks only to them, and that simply is not the case. God is a non-partisan booming voice in my head, and according to Him, I am to watch the Republican convention and not let my head launch off of my neck, as if it were rocket propelled. Sure is tempting, but no. That’s not my path. I am here to observe and form opinions, and to find new and exciting ways to use the words “boring as fuck”, "shameless liebags" and "obnoxious crapheads" in real sentences.
There is only one more night of the convention left. Up next? Sarah’s grandfather, Grampy, will tell war stories and making embarrassing noises. Everyone is nice about it, and they have cake afterwards. Except for Grampy, who will enjoy a delicious glass of Metamucil. Bottoms up, sir.
If I am not here tomorrow, it means that Satan took over and I set my head on fire. Wish me luck!
ST. PAUL, Minn. — John McCain's campaign on Wednesday angrily called for an end to questions about its review of Sarah Palin's background, deriding a "faux media scandal designed to destroy the first female Republican nominee" for vice president.
"This nonsense is over," declared senior campaign adviser Steve Schmidt in a written statement.
The statement stood out for its admission that Palin is under siege _ it condemns "this vetting controversy" _ and for its attempt to blunt questions about how rigorously McCain and his campaign explored the background of a candidate who may get the nation's second most powerful job.
Grampy, if there's one thing the press loves is a double-dog dare. Asking them to back off vetting a candidate (because you did not), is all the incentive they need to clean your clock, you old prick! These kids are going to throw balls in your yard all day, just to watch you spaz out. They are going to be everywhere - raiding your zucchini garden, tying cans to your dog's tail and soaping your windows ("GRAMPY IS A PEDO"). What a big mouth you have, Grampy.
Go ahead, old man - go crab at Sarah about this. Sarah Palin can call the cops all she wants! The cops think Sarah is a nutjob. If she thinks Officer Smiley is going to drop everything and run his ass over there, she's going to sit.and.wait.a.long.time.
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