Monday, May 14, 2007

How To Poop On "Ulysses" by James Joyce

1. Visit your local library and check out "Ulysses" by James Joyce. Do not buy this book.

2. Attempt to have an open mind, and remember that many critics love this book, and that otherwise intelligent people call it a masterpiece.

3. By page 12, you begin to notice that the critics who love this book are huge fans of plot-free gibberish. The people who like this book probably also enjoy sniffing fragrant bicycle seats, use the word "quasi" too much, and get on everyone else's nerves.

4. Put down the book, and stop to consider why it took Mr. Joyce seven years to write "Ulysses". Come to the conclusion that it took Mr. Joyce so long because he wrote this book by pissing sentences in the snow. The book is rather long, so - call me crazy - I'm guessing that he had a lot to drink.

5. Pull down your pants, back up to "Ulysses" and poop all over it. Dare the library to make you pay for a new copy. The librarians replace "Ulysses" on their shelf with a roll of 2-ply toilet paper. Everyone agrees that it was a good idea.

I didn't like "Ulysses". It is a craptastic waste of trees. My brain bled trying to read this book, and I could not feel anything on my left side for months. After a year of physical therapy, I vowed to save the world from "Ulysses".

If I thought I could make this book feel pain, I would kick it in the crotch until it passed out. Would I really poop on this book if I could? Yes, I wouldn't hesitate.

Your Pal Mojopo
Reading all of the bad books so you won't have to.

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