Friday, April 25, 2008
The Booger Charmer
It’s not a source of pride to say this, but I’m quite a Booger Charmer. I can guarantee you that if someone has a booger I’m bound to be the one they share it with. No, I'm not on this earth to charm gold bricks or chocolate covered cherries. Boogers! It’s like people wait for me, to show me their boogs, and it’s the one thing that gives me heebie jeebies.
I’ve seen boogers undulating from people’s noses during interviews. I’ve seen them on the train. I see them on the faces of children and strangers, and even among my friends and family.
This isn’t a matter of a little crumb – a crumb of booger isn’t unforgivable. I am talking about massive, horror movie glops of booger meat. Things that look like they are organisms with feelings of hunger and lust.
Alerting people about their unwanted nose baggage is a delicate process that always winds up poorly. It starts with me affecting an innocent, polite and yet passive tone to deliver a classic understatement: “You’ve (umm) got a little something on your – ahhh - nose.” The person touches their nose, feels the booger and then they panic. They try to hide it and find a tissue at the same time and wow, that was uncomfortable for everybody. It’s even worse if the booger has migrated from the nose to the cheek or chin, like it's capable of road-trips and wanderlust.
I’ve seen priest boogers, doctor boogers, teacher boogers, and worst of all – waitress and waiter boogers. That totally ruins my patty-melt.
I just don’t understand. I pick my nose properly to make sure this never happens. Sure, I’ve had a slip-up once every decade. Maybe it doesn’t happen as often as I think – maybe everyone’s decade to have a booger happens around the same time I’m around. It could be a sloppy coincidence or my calling.
Does that ever happen to you? Have you ever had to tell a non-family member something vulgar about their appearance? If you are a person who has been told more than five times that you have boogers, what circumstances led to this and would you stop if you could?